So life is interesting and happy shiny one again. :)
Getting over some things, finding new aspects of myself and making peace with the emotions that aren't ready to go just yet. :)
I've always been freaked out by kids, and not knowing what to do around them. Well, that's changed for sure! Teaching part time, I can see a whole different world. The transparent and pure expressions on their faces and the absolutely adorable things they do have got me falling in love with each one of them. Even when I get exasperated with them! It's my happy shiny hour of the day.
Been missing gym, in more ways than one. :( But starting again from tomorrow morning! :D
I'm realizing that I'm quite dispassionate/detached from the things that go on around me. sure, I notice them and acknowledge them, but reacting to them isn't something I do too often. And feeling guilty or regretting something is just not a part of who I am anymore. What's the point of guilt anyway? If you didn't care at that time, what5 will feeling guilty do for you now? It's over and done with, so you might as well sit back and enjoy the memories. ;)
Also, since it's winter nl, I absolutely loveeee soaking in the sun! It feels like I'm in the perfect world in the perfect place everrr! :)
And yes, I also realize that I am quite detached from the people I love too. Not always though. Sometimes I miss everyone terribly and feel crazily happy after seeing them after 2-3 days! Maybe I'm just not as expressive as I used to be or it's just a phase, or I'm in too much of a happy shiny mode! I'm not sure why I'm so darn happy, but I am. and it doesn't have too much to do with external circumstances.
Oh, and as for 'you', yes I still care for you a lot. Still pretty much in love, but slowly getting over it. And I'm at peace with wherever it goes or doesn't go. :)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Buy me with a coffee
Instead of wasted gifts around
Instead of losing all we have
Instead of dreaming of a man you'll never have
You'd better breathe with me and feel...
Instead of planning and debating
Instead of shaping my own dreams
Instead of dreaming of a son you'll never have
You'd better breathe with me and feel...
You can buy me with a coffee
I'm so cheap...
Instead of letting distance talk
Instead of losing all we have
Instead ofdreaming of a man I'll never be
You'd better breathe with me and feel...
Instead of juding day and night
Instead of wasted time on both sides
Instead of guessing what the hell went wrong with me
You'd better breathe with me and feel...
You can buy me wïth a coffee
I'm so cheap...
Shell phase and letting go. . .
Well, hell.
Here I am yet again, on a random and occasional insensible thought process. Sometimes I wonder what it is about being in my own shell that's just so comfortable. It's not a comfortable or convenient lifestyle, and yet I seem to drag myself into every once in a while. Where I think that everyone thinks the worst of me, and that it actually matters to me what they think! When I don't seem to like anyone and curl up in a hole like a lost and abandoned puppy.
The strangest thing is that not much in the external world changes/triggers this response from me. And nothing changes for anyone when I go into a phase. Perhaps I'm trying to read too much into it, especially since it's hardly the time to analyze such ridiculous stuff, but it's still there! But I'm not going to wallow in self misery this time because even if it's true that I don't affect anyone, I still affect myself and being in a phase (although comfortable) isn't always a good thing.
Also, I think I have gotten over the whole being in love thing. Perhaps there is someone out there for me, but perhaps not. Either way, I always knew that even though I loved you, I would never be the one for you, and that eventually I would have to let go. Ironic how things do work out for the highest good of everyone.
I never really tried to let go, but I guess I've begun to stop holding on instead. And that's working for me. For now. Who knows what I'll think the next time I meet you, perhaps I'll fall in love with you all over again, or perhaps it really is time to let go and move on. Yes, I have been trying to consciously let go for almost a year and subconsciously for about 2. Maybe now is the time when I'm really ok with moving on and accepting that although you would always have a place in my heart, I'm moving on.
Oh well, that's all besides the point. Shell phase is on it's way out, and I'm soon to be happy shiny once again. Moving on is happening definitely this time, from you and from the current lifestyle as well. Life is shifting, one teeny bit at a time.
And now that I have rambled on sufficiently to confuse people, complicate matters and soothe my own mind and soul, I'm off to bed! :) :)
Ah life. . you're the best thing that happened to me, especially with all the awesome seasonal and permanent people you bring along!
Here I am yet again, on a random and occasional insensible thought process. Sometimes I wonder what it is about being in my own shell that's just so comfortable. It's not a comfortable or convenient lifestyle, and yet I seem to drag myself into every once in a while. Where I think that everyone thinks the worst of me, and that it actually matters to me what they think! When I don't seem to like anyone and curl up in a hole like a lost and abandoned puppy.
The strangest thing is that not much in the external world changes/triggers this response from me. And nothing changes for anyone when I go into a phase. Perhaps I'm trying to read too much into it, especially since it's hardly the time to analyze such ridiculous stuff, but it's still there! But I'm not going to wallow in self misery this time because even if it's true that I don't affect anyone, I still affect myself and being in a phase (although comfortable) isn't always a good thing.
Also, I think I have gotten over the whole being in love thing. Perhaps there is someone out there for me, but perhaps not. Either way, I always knew that even though I loved you, I would never be the one for you, and that eventually I would have to let go. Ironic how things do work out for the highest good of everyone.
I never really tried to let go, but I guess I've begun to stop holding on instead. And that's working for me. For now. Who knows what I'll think the next time I meet you, perhaps I'll fall in love with you all over again, or perhaps it really is time to let go and move on. Yes, I have been trying to consciously let go for almost a year and subconsciously for about 2. Maybe now is the time when I'm really ok with moving on and accepting that although you would always have a place in my heart, I'm moving on.
Oh well, that's all besides the point. Shell phase is on it's way out, and I'm soon to be happy shiny once again. Moving on is happening definitely this time, from you and from the current lifestyle as well. Life is shifting, one teeny bit at a time.
And now that I have rambled on sufficiently to confuse people, complicate matters and soothe my own mind and soul, I'm off to bed! :) :)
Ah life. . you're the best thing that happened to me, especially with all the awesome seasonal and permanent people you bring along!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Changes and letting life lead itself
So the world is changing yet again. Well, my world is anyway.
Been attending classes for the past week, and got my life moving again, which is a good thing I guess. There are a million things I want to do right now, but there are enough things to stop me from most of them. Some good, and some not too good. The worst are the ones I'm afraid to do coz I'm just plain scared. Scared coz I know I'm hopeless at them and at what others would think or because it's ridiculously simple and everyone else is good at it! But that's ok too, because I'm becoming more non-social and oblivious (read: don't give a damn) to what others judge me by.
Also, a lot of people and relationships, or rather the emotions certain people seemed to trigger in me, just don't happen anymore. Maybe I've changed or maybe them. Maybe I'm becoming so removed from what was once my reality that it doesn't connect to what is real for me now. Sure, I still care about them nl, but that forever kind of feeling is slowly going away.
Perhaps I'm thinking all this because I realize there is another world out there, or because I'm letting go, or I'm separating the different worlds too much, or maybe it's because I'm just hopeless at keeping in touch with people. Who knows?
It's just that some people are right for each other, and some aren't. The trouble is, sometimes you know you're not right for them, but you still hold on. Well, maybe I really should let go and do a bit of growing up instead.
Speaking of which, I just realized I'm going to turn 22 next year! Going back to school yesterday made me feel like I'm growing old already. Well, hell.
And there are people who have finished their grad by now, and those who are working. Those who are following their passion, or doing something awesome anyway. Well, I'm pretty much done with none of the above, but it's going to happen for me someday. The road is kinda rough, and it's slow going right now, but it's just a matter of time and effort to get through this patch and off on the smooth endless road that's going to take me to a place where dreams come true.
Oh yeah, and I know I'm changing. I'm not sure into who or what, but let's not read too much into the process and just let it happen this time. :)
As for all the things on my list of want-to-dos, well I'll go and get them at my own pace. As long as I'm better this week than I was the previous week, and that stays true for every consecutive week, I guess I'll make it through. :)
People used to tell me that I'm an old soul in this body. They still do, actually. Ah well, the body isn't old enough to be retired just yet, so this old gal better pull up her socks and get some work done before the body catches up with the soul...
Been attending classes for the past week, and got my life moving again, which is a good thing I guess. There are a million things I want to do right now, but there are enough things to stop me from most of them. Some good, and some not too good. The worst are the ones I'm afraid to do coz I'm just plain scared. Scared coz I know I'm hopeless at them and at what others would think or because it's ridiculously simple and everyone else is good at it! But that's ok too, because I'm becoming more non-social and oblivious (read: don't give a damn) to what others judge me by.
Also, a lot of people and relationships, or rather the emotions certain people seemed to trigger in me, just don't happen anymore. Maybe I've changed or maybe them. Maybe I'm becoming so removed from what was once my reality that it doesn't connect to what is real for me now. Sure, I still care about them nl, but that forever kind of feeling is slowly going away.
Perhaps I'm thinking all this because I realize there is another world out there, or because I'm letting go, or I'm separating the different worlds too much, or maybe it's because I'm just hopeless at keeping in touch with people. Who knows?
It's just that some people are right for each other, and some aren't. The trouble is, sometimes you know you're not right for them, but you still hold on. Well, maybe I really should let go and do a bit of growing up instead.
Speaking of which, I just realized I'm going to turn 22 next year! Going back to school yesterday made me feel like I'm growing old already. Well, hell.
And there are people who have finished their grad by now, and those who are working. Those who are following their passion, or doing something awesome anyway. Well, I'm pretty much done with none of the above, but it's going to happen for me someday. The road is kinda rough, and it's slow going right now, but it's just a matter of time and effort to get through this patch and off on the smooth endless road that's going to take me to a place where dreams come true.
Oh yeah, and I know I'm changing. I'm not sure into who or what, but let's not read too much into the process and just let it happen this time. :)
As for all the things on my list of want-to-dos, well I'll go and get them at my own pace. As long as I'm better this week than I was the previous week, and that stays true for every consecutive week, I guess I'll make it through. :)
People used to tell me that I'm an old soul in this body. They still do, actually. Ah well, the body isn't old enough to be retired just yet, so this old gal better pull up her socks and get some work done before the body catches up with the soul...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
October love.
Dear October, I love you. Yes, even with all your faults. :)
You are awesome, and you make me feel like searching and living with myself again. You bring the scent of festivities and celebration and the anticipation of cold days and warm blankets. Of warm winter sunshine and snug bunny slippers. You make me think of happiness and the awesome times I have had with you in the last few years.
Dear October, try to stay a while longer this year and don't fly away like you usually do. I need you more this year and your freshness makes me come alive.
Stay just a little while longer than you intend to. Just a little while more, and don't fly by like all good things that do.
You are awesome, and you make me feel like searching and living with myself again. You bring the scent of festivities and celebration and the anticipation of cold days and warm blankets. Of warm winter sunshine and snug bunny slippers. You make me think of happiness and the awesome times I have had with you in the last few years.
Dear October, try to stay a while longer this year and don't fly away like you usually do. I need you more this year and your freshness makes me come alive.
Stay just a little while longer than you intend to. Just a little while more, and don't fly by like all good things that do.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Nostalgia
Y'know, that's the thing about nosalgia. You can indulge in it once in a while, and it's ok as long as you don't let it become your present. Of course I know that. :)
but the newest thing I've learnt is that nostalgia is sometimes absolutely ridiculous as well, coz here you are thinking of an awesome time gone by with some amazing people. And then it hits you, all of a sudden that not only have they moved on, but they are completely different people now. And missing/thinking about them is like thinking of a person who does not exist anymore, not in that way at least. Yes, even when the nostalgia is normal and totally justifiable, you get jerked back to the reality that nothing and no one is as they used to be... And that maybe, just maybe, it's for the best. And that you've grown apart as well.
Oh well, just some random thoughts, while thinking of 3 years ago. And the people. And the absence of who they used to be and how they would not understand me now.
A time to move on, a time to move on, and perhaps a time to grow apart from some memories of some people, knowing they may not make it to the future, even if they will be missed and remembered for the good ol' times, when we were all innocent and young and new.
Too much water under the bridge I guess. Too much.
but the newest thing I've learnt is that nostalgia is sometimes absolutely ridiculous as well, coz here you are thinking of an awesome time gone by with some amazing people. And then it hits you, all of a sudden that not only have they moved on, but they are completely different people now. And missing/thinking about them is like thinking of a person who does not exist anymore, not in that way at least. Yes, even when the nostalgia is normal and totally justifiable, you get jerked back to the reality that nothing and no one is as they used to be... And that maybe, just maybe, it's for the best. And that you've grown apart as well.
Oh well, just some random thoughts, while thinking of 3 years ago. And the people. And the absence of who they used to be and how they would not understand me now.
A time to move on, a time to move on, and perhaps a time to grow apart from some memories of some people, knowing they may not make it to the future, even if they will be missed and remembered for the good ol' times, when we were all innocent and young and new.
Too much water under the bridge I guess. Too much.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Faith
I want to write about faith
about the way the moon rises
over cold snow, night after night
faithful even as it fades from fullness
slowly becoming that last curving and impossible
sliver of light before the final darkness
but I have no faith myself
I refuse to give it the smallest entry
Let this then, my small poem,
like a new moon, slender and barely open
be the first prayer that opens me to faith
~ David Whyte
about the way the moon rises
over cold snow, night after night
faithful even as it fades from fullness
slowly becoming that last curving and impossible
sliver of light before the final darkness
but I have no faith myself
I refuse to give it the smallest entry
Let this then, my small poem,
like a new moon, slender and barely open
be the first prayer that opens me to faith
~ David Whyte
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Random updates!
Random life updates:
Correspondance is a good decision. Now I just need a zillion things to fill up all that spare time! :)
Gym is an even better decision! Even though I'm achy and sore (again) today, it's one of the awesomer things in life these days, even if I did miss a few days this week. :)
Mommy's masis are coming soon, and somehow I think that's going to be a good thing. :) They're nice, sweet and fun!
I'm missing some people, a lot. But only sometimes, coz usually there are memories and my heart to make me think that they never left anyway.
Social media makes me sad soemtimes. It seems like everyone is moving on and they just have so much to say! And that I'm not a part of their lives anymore. Only sometimes though.
I am (hopefully) going to clear up my room et al completely in the next few days. Just coz I feel like making something pretty! ;)
Correspondance is a good decision. Now I just need a zillion things to fill up all that spare time! :)
Gym is an even better decision! Even though I'm achy and sore (again) today, it's one of the awesomer things in life these days, even if I did miss a few days this week. :)
Mommy's masis are coming soon, and somehow I think that's going to be a good thing. :) They're nice, sweet and fun!
I'm missing some people, a lot. But only sometimes, coz usually there are memories and my heart to make me think that they never left anyway.
Social media makes me sad soemtimes. It seems like everyone is moving on and they just have so much to say! And that I'm not a part of their lives anymore. Only sometimes though.
I am (hopefully) going to clear up my room et al completely in the next few days. Just coz I feel like making something pretty! ;)
Unsure yet sure
So I'm not sure if you're 'the one'. In fact, I have strong reason to believe that you are not. But that doesn't change anything. Really.
And I'm sure that there's someone out there who's the one. Even if it isn't you. I wish it was, but well. . . I'm not the writer of the universe here.
But somehow I'm so sure that there's someone out there that it's okay even if I meet him on the very last day of this life. Coz I'll know he existed. And even though sometime's it's frustrating, I know it's going to be worth waiting for, so that kinda makes it okay.
So whoever you are, wherever you are, if you're the one, just know that I love you.
And I'm sure that there's someone out there who's the one. Even if it isn't you. I wish it was, but well. . . I'm not the writer of the universe here.
But somehow I'm so sure that there's someone out there that it's okay even if I meet him on the very last day of this life. Coz I'll know he existed. And even though sometime's it's frustrating, I know it's going to be worth waiting for, so that kinda makes it okay.
So whoever you are, wherever you are, if you're the one, just know that I love you.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Bin tere
Bin tere (especially the slow version) is my favoritest song these days. Absolutely. Makes me think of you, and yeah, a bit of the other people I still miss too. But mostly you. :) Love this song, it's right up there with Iktara (punjabi version) and Ajj Din Chadheya
Mish mash of stuff!
Honestly, I'm not even sure about what I'm going to write about. Everything seems to be a chaotic mish-mash of emotions, memories and desires. All conflicting, of course, coz otherwise it wouldn't really be me, would it? ;)
I miss you, and the times that were. I also miss a lot of other people, and the life we all had together. And sometimes, I would do just about anything to get it back (yeah, even spending a couple of hours going through hundreds of pictures, reminiscing with an occasion tear or two). But I'm not sure about who I really am anymore, and even less of who I want to be. So going back into the past is only a rare indulgence now, which is okay. :)
Somedays I feel dreadfully antisocial and wouldn't dream of meeting anyone, and then there are days when I welcome and enjoy the company of everyone I meet..
Sure, I miss what's familiar, (yeah, even now). And even though on the surface everything seems kinda stagnant, I know it isn't. I'm trying to get back with life as it should be, and not escape into the wretched dream world which can be as wonderful as it can be terrifying.
The strangest is that I'm slowly (verryyyy) coming to terms with the way I am, and trying to be okay with it. Sure, it's okay to be an introvert, etc as long as you know you want to. :)
It's a weird mish mash of life, and I don't really know where it's going from here, but I hope it will be towards someone like you, even if it isn't you. Coz you and I. . well, I guess it ain't meant to be. Even I still love you more each day, I know it's not gonna happen, and there's a disconcerting sense of acceptance about it.
So yeah, trying to go with the flow, play the fool and gradually realize I'm still me, and that its a good thing. :) And yo-yoing all throughout between being a cold distant person and a nice, warm-ish person. ;)
I miss you, and the times that were. I also miss a lot of other people, and the life we all had together. And sometimes, I would do just about anything to get it back (yeah, even spending a couple of hours going through hundreds of pictures, reminiscing with an occasion tear or two). But I'm not sure about who I really am anymore, and even less of who I want to be. So going back into the past is only a rare indulgence now, which is okay. :)
Somedays I feel dreadfully antisocial and wouldn't dream of meeting anyone, and then there are days when I welcome and enjoy the company of everyone I meet..
Sure, I miss what's familiar, (yeah, even now). And even though on the surface everything seems kinda stagnant, I know it isn't. I'm trying to get back with life as it should be, and not escape into the wretched dream world which can be as wonderful as it can be terrifying.
The strangest is that I'm slowly (verryyyy) coming to terms with the way I am, and trying to be okay with it. Sure, it's okay to be an introvert, etc as long as you know you want to. :)
It's a weird mish mash of life, and I don't really know where it's going from here, but I hope it will be towards someone like you, even if it isn't you. Coz you and I. . well, I guess it ain't meant to be. Even I still love you more each day, I know it's not gonna happen, and there's a disconcerting sense of acceptance about it.
So yeah, trying to go with the flow, play the fool and gradually realize I'm still me, and that its a good thing. :) And yo-yoing all throughout between being a cold distant person and a nice, warm-ish person. ;)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Yet again!
I love you more today, and will love you more tomorrow.
Something's changed (yet again) but if this is what seems right now, then so be it! :)
Perhaps it was just the dream, or maybe not. Either way, it seems like I'm not quite ready to let go yet (though I though I was halfway through!), so while I'm here, and this carries on, I'm not going to fight it. Time to just go with the flow. :)
Something's changed (yet again) but if this is what seems right now, then so be it! :)
Perhaps it was just the dream, or maybe not. Either way, it seems like I'm not quite ready to let go yet (though I though I was halfway through!), so while I'm here, and this carries on, I'm not going to fight it. Time to just go with the flow. :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
Random stuff over the last few days:
~ I don't like going online anymore. It makes me sad. Really.
~ I'm going crazy over music these days. Especially the non-remixed versions of the ones I hear at the gym. (bin tere, n tum jo aye zindagi mein etc)
~ I wish u weren't quite so cute, it really would be less distracting then. ::sigh::
~ It's good to take notice of stupid decisions, but stupid to not take notice of the good ones! Leaves u feeling low, and like an idiot.
~ Yes, occasionally I miss you, and a lot of other people. I also miss my best friend. And I do not like the fact that I am learning to live while away from the people I love.
~ Iktara still reminds me of happy times, much loved and wonderful people.
~ I don't think I'm going to continue writing for much longer on the public blog. It's just not gonna be ok soon. I just know it.
~ I don't like going online anymore. It makes me sad. Really.
~ I'm going crazy over music these days. Especially the non-remixed versions of the ones I hear at the gym. (bin tere, n tum jo aye zindagi mein etc)
~ I wish u weren't quite so cute, it really would be less distracting then. ::sigh::
~ It's good to take notice of stupid decisions, but stupid to not take notice of the good ones! Leaves u feeling low, and like an idiot.
~ Yes, occasionally I miss you, and a lot of other people. I also miss my best friend. And I do not like the fact that I am learning to live while away from the people I love.
~ Iktara still reminds me of happy times, much loved and wonderful people.
~ I don't think I'm going to continue writing for much longer on the public blog. It's just not gonna be ok soon. I just know it.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sulk-ish. . .
Arghh. . What a idiotic way to spend the last few days!
Perhaps it's the weather, perhaps the people (or the lack thereof) but all I remember from the last few days is sulking and being buried in random books. Jeez. . . I am SO inconsistent that I can't even sulk for too long! Tired of it already and 'taking the bull by it's horns' from now on. .
It's simple really, just that I haven't followed it up yet. A bit of running, severe lack of TV and random books, swimming and I'm gonna be back on track. So totally! :)
Endorphin high, and non lazing around is all that's needed.
:) :)
Inconsistent entry, I know. But everything has been feeling dreadful, terrible and just sooo sulk-ish lately!! And inconsistent, to say the very least.
Perhaps getting rid of the cell phone would be good for a week or so too. :) Ah well.. we'll leave that decision till later then. :)
Perhaps it's the weather, perhaps the people (or the lack thereof) but all I remember from the last few days is sulking and being buried in random books. Jeez. . . I am SO inconsistent that I can't even sulk for too long! Tired of it already and 'taking the bull by it's horns' from now on. .
It's simple really, just that I haven't followed it up yet. A bit of running, severe lack of TV and random books, swimming and I'm gonna be back on track. So totally! :)
Endorphin high, and non lazing around is all that's needed.
:) :)
Inconsistent entry, I know. But everything has been feeling dreadful, terrible and just sooo sulk-ish lately!! And inconsistent, to say the very least.
Perhaps getting rid of the cell phone would be good for a week or so too. :) Ah well.. we'll leave that decision till later then. :)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Haven't written for a while mainly coz I haven't been doing much that I could write about!! :P
Swimming erratically these days coz some days I feel cold and some days the pool is green-ish (yuck!)
As for how everything's going right now, I feel like a lovestruck little teenager!! But I must involve myself in more mundane tasks like clearing my room!! Sob!! Oh well, I can still do it dreamily.. ;) ;)
Swimming erratically these days coz some days I feel cold and some days the pool is green-ish (yuck!)
As for how everything's going right now, I feel like a lovestruck little teenager!! But I must involve myself in more mundane tasks like clearing my room!! Sob!! Oh well, I can still do it dreamily.. ;) ;)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Lonesomeless!!!
Ohhh, I just don't know what's going on. The past few days have left me dreadfully despairing.
My back hurts coz I sprained it magnificently while crawling under a sofa and I do think I've managed to catch a chill last night. And the endorphin levels are tearfully low and I feel like just having comfort food. Everything, absolutely everything, feels terrible, lonesome and depressing. Even the much awaited rain. :(
It's a frustrating phase, which I am going to shorten somehow. It's making me cranky, lonely, achy breaky and keeping me awake like it's 3 'o' clock of the night.
Bah.. :| Well on the plus side, I'm going to make sure this is the last night of this ridiculousness. I don't care if I have to freeze while swimming tomorrow, but I shall get up and go in the morning! Hmph!
There, that feels so much better now. Oh well, life's still interesting... quite!! :)
Btw, doesn't 'lonesome' sound even lonelier than 'lonely'?? And like you have people who you're missing dreadfully?
My back hurts coz I sprained it magnificently while crawling under a sofa and I do think I've managed to catch a chill last night. And the endorphin levels are tearfully low and I feel like just having comfort food. Everything, absolutely everything, feels terrible, lonesome and depressing. Even the much awaited rain. :(
It's a frustrating phase, which I am going to shorten somehow. It's making me cranky, lonely, achy breaky and keeping me awake like it's 3 'o' clock of the night.
Bah.. :| Well on the plus side, I'm going to make sure this is the last night of this ridiculousness. I don't care if I have to freeze while swimming tomorrow, but I shall get up and go in the morning! Hmph!
There, that feels so much better now. Oh well, life's still interesting... quite!! :)
Btw, doesn't 'lonesome' sound even lonelier than 'lonely'?? And like you have people who you're missing dreadfully?
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Surrender, stagnation and a bit of happiness.
So firstly, the universe has a way of doing whatever it can to make sure you do what's best for you. According to it, anyway. ;) You can keep running after it, but if it's not supposed to happen, and you surrender to the universe, it makes things much easier. And no, I do not mean that it's a way of life to just sit around waiting for signals. You must do what you think is right, but when the time comes to surrender, be strong enough to sit down and accept it.
Secondly. Umm. . life seems to have stagnated. Or perhaps it is in a transitional phase and does not want to do much. Every day melts into the next, with me doing nothing spectacular on a daily basis. And yet it doesn't feel oppressive most of the time. Yeah, sometimes it's a bit depressing, but swimming can take care of that. ;)
Thirdly, I'm still convinced that if someone cannot take care of their health, they cannot be said to be managing their lives well. So striving to get at least that part in order. Bit by bit, easy does it. Not much of an outward change yet, but the endorphin high feels awesome! ;)
Till the next random post, ta ta! :) :)
Secondly. Umm. . life seems to have stagnated. Or perhaps it is in a transitional phase and does not want to do much. Every day melts into the next, with me doing nothing spectacular on a daily basis. And yet it doesn't feel oppressive most of the time. Yeah, sometimes it's a bit depressing, but swimming can take care of that. ;)
Thirdly, I'm still convinced that if someone cannot take care of their health, they cannot be said to be managing their lives well. So striving to get at least that part in order. Bit by bit, easy does it. Not much of an outward change yet, but the endorphin high feels awesome! ;)
Till the next random post, ta ta! :) :)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Random updates.. :)
Random update:
swimming is awesome! Now I just need to build stamina n do more of it in the one hour I go there! 200 m (approx) ain't much when ur just doing breadths of 10 m each. Hmm.. Let's try lengths next time!
Mowed the lawn (well, half of it anyway! ) with dad and phew, it's tiring! But fun too somehow. :) still have half the lawn and some tired muscles left! :)
No change in weight I guess, but I feel happier (endorphins?) n better anyway!
Bringing in more changes slowly, turning this life into what I want it to be!
P. S. Made pizza today! ;) so much for today's good food plan!
swimming is awesome! Now I just need to build stamina n do more of it in the one hour I go there! 200 m (approx) ain't much when ur just doing breadths of 10 m each. Hmm.. Let's try lengths next time!
Mowed the lawn (well, half of it anyway! ) with dad and phew, it's tiring! But fun too somehow. :) still have half the lawn and some tired muscles left! :)
No change in weight I guess, but I feel happier (endorphins?) n better anyway!
Bringing in more changes slowly, turning this life into what I want it to be!
P. S. Made pizza today! ;) so much for today's good food plan!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Yes yes, Universe, I'm listening. ;)
Kahani mein twist!
Looks like the universe doesn't want me to change myself. Every time I try (and this time I was serious!), it gives a million signals to tell me to stop right there!
So evidently, I must continue being who I am, whether I like it or not (perhaps it's just a nicer feeling day, but the presence of active dislike is missing!).
So I guess it's only a couple of life changing tweaks that I can do right now. The universe will conspire to take me where I should be.
The funny thing is that even though the universe conspires to give you what you reallyyy want, it would make sure you go on the path it thinks is right (IF you surrender completely to the higher power). Interesting thing, this life is.
And there seems to be a change today. The way the wind blows, the way the sun shines, and the music plays.
Oh well, looks like I have to stay on with being me. And being in touch (however rare) with the people I love. So yeah, life's working out again (although I think I should do that too!)
Oh, and did I mention, swimming is awesome! :) Jumped into 14 feet of water today. ;)
Listening to what the universe is saying. It knows this world better than I do. . !
Looks like the universe doesn't want me to change myself. Every time I try (and this time I was serious!), it gives a million signals to tell me to stop right there!
So evidently, I must continue being who I am, whether I like it or not (perhaps it's just a nicer feeling day, but the presence of active dislike is missing!).
So I guess it's only a couple of life changing tweaks that I can do right now. The universe will conspire to take me where I should be.
The funny thing is that even though the universe conspires to give you what you reallyyy want, it would make sure you go on the path it thinks is right (IF you surrender completely to the higher power). Interesting thing, this life is.
And there seems to be a change today. The way the wind blows, the way the sun shines, and the music plays.
Oh well, looks like I have to stay on with being me. And being in touch (however rare) with the people I love. So yeah, life's working out again (although I think I should do that too!)
Oh, and did I mention, swimming is awesome! :) Jumped into 14 feet of water today. ;)
Listening to what the universe is saying. It knows this world better than I do. . !
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Nothingness, focusless, weak.
I don't see happiness. I don't see sadness. I don't see life, or death. It's just an empty void, that refuses to go away. A chasm that's been growing over the years and refuses to fill.
It's surprising how I can still act normal with most people. Act.
There is nothingness, numbness, indifference and all the other emotions I don't want to be a part of my essential being. I cannot see life ahead and I do not trust myself with it anymore.
Giving it to someone else to handle now. I don't know what I want, what's good and what's not. I cannot lead this life myself now. At least for a while.
I may seem strong sometimes but I'm not. I'm just numb. All the hurt just goes and buries itself somewhere, waiting and biding its time.
I don't know how to lead this life anymore. I do not trust myself with something so important. Time for someone else to step in. . .
And I don't want any help. This is a journey I must endure alone.
Watching, waiting, and still not feeling anything.
It's surprising how I can still act normal with most people. Act.
There is nothingness, numbness, indifference and all the other emotions I don't want to be a part of my essential being. I cannot see life ahead and I do not trust myself with it anymore.
Giving it to someone else to handle now. I don't know what I want, what's good and what's not. I cannot lead this life myself now. At least for a while.
I may seem strong sometimes but I'm not. I'm just numb. All the hurt just goes and buries itself somewhere, waiting and biding its time.
I don't know how to lead this life anymore. I do not trust myself with something so important. Time for someone else to step in. . .
And I don't want any help. This is a journey I must endure alone.
Watching, waiting, and still not feeling anything.
Let go. Change. Goodbye.
I love you too much to hold on to this anymore. I'm letting it go, right here, right now.
It's not going to be easy, and perhaps it's going to take a lot of time. Till then I'll stay content with not letting it show that I still care.
And not just you, today I am letting go and cutting away everything familiar, everything known and comfortable. I don't like who I've become, I don't trust this someone I'm turning into. I don't care who I'm going to be from today onward, but it most certainly won't be the current me.
I'll miss the me that exists in this time and space, but it's time to let go of her. To let go of almost everything she holds dear and everyone she loves.
I know I have to change, because life will not go on this way. But I want you, specially, to know that you have been loved.
And the rest of the people too. Perhaps our paths will cross again once I am somebody else. I hope you recognize me and still care, because in a small locked up part of my heart, you will all be there.
It's time for a goodbye, and a time to change. Forever. May you never know who I really am nor what I am thinking right now.
Perhaps we shall meet again someday, and it would be just like the old days. Perhaps I shall be strong enough to be who I once used to be. But until then, goodbye.
It's not going to be easy, and perhaps it's going to take a lot of time. Till then I'll stay content with not letting it show that I still care.
And not just you, today I am letting go and cutting away everything familiar, everything known and comfortable. I don't like who I've become, I don't trust this someone I'm turning into. I don't care who I'm going to be from today onward, but it most certainly won't be the current me.
I'll miss the me that exists in this time and space, but it's time to let go of her. To let go of almost everything she holds dear and everyone she loves.
I know I have to change, because life will not go on this way. But I want you, specially, to know that you have been loved.
And the rest of the people too. Perhaps our paths will cross again once I am somebody else. I hope you recognize me and still care, because in a small locked up part of my heart, you will all be there.
It's time for a goodbye, and a time to change. Forever. May you never know who I really am nor what I am thinking right now.
Perhaps we shall meet again someday, and it would be just like the old days. Perhaps I shall be strong enough to be who I once used to be. But until then, goodbye.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
[Wavin Flag] When I get older. . .
When I get older
I will be stronger
they'll call me freedom
just like a wavin flag
Born to a throne, stronger than Rome
but violent prone, poor people zone,
But it's my home, all I have known,
Where I got grown, streets we would roam.
But out of the darkness, I came the farthest,
Among the hardest survival.
Learn from these streets, it can be bleak,
Accept no defeat, surrender, retreat,
So we struggling, fighting to eat and
We wondering when we'll be free,
So we patiently wait, for that fateful day,
It's not far away, so for now we say
When I get older
I will be stronger
I'll make it better
struggle no longer
a wavin flag. . .
When I get older
I will be stronger
they'll call me freedom
just like a wavin flag
So many wars, settling scores,
Bringing us promises, leaving us poor,
and in this situation when there's no compensation,
they got no occupation, can't buy no medication,
see it's a combination, no education,
we could never get it, say tomorrow's generation.
They can't control us, they can't hold us down.
So we struggling, fighting to eat and
We wondering when we'll be free,
So we patiently wait, for that fateful day,
It's not far away, so for now we say
When I get older
I will be stronger
I'll make it better
struggle no longer
a wavin flag. . .
When I get older
I will be stronger
they'll call me freedom
just like a wavin flag
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Gratitude is all there is right now.
Today I saw a person who was charged for rape. . . of a 3 year old girl.
The feeling of repulsion, disgust, sorrow and horror is indescribable. I cannot even imagine what could have driven him to do something so heinous and what trauma it would have caused the poor child.
And I heard about a farmer, who's influential neighbor charged him with theft of two plants, got him in jail for 2 1/2 years, and is now trying to take over his land. And a man who was trying to save his burning wife after the stove exploded (getting half his body burnt in the process) and then being charged for murder by the relatives after she succumbed to the injuries. A man who was convicted for poisoning his wife, who had actually poisoned herself coz of mental ill health. And these are some of the good people in prison. Good people under trial or convicted for something they haven't even done. God alone knows the actual criminals and what they have done.
Although, the rapists and the wife beaters are treated as the absolute scum even in jails. Strange, how prison hierarchy would work.
It's a tough world out there. And I feel grateful for being blessed with the situations and people I have. Sure, there are problems, but when you think of the people who live in conditions like these, your problems seem inconsequential, insignificant and utterly ridiculous.
Living life is important. And I know that I cannot merely exist now, even if I try. There is too much beauty and love in this world, and I am blessed to have a share in it.
Perhaps I am witnessing a miracle here, but only time will tell if someone has truly changed or not. Till then, hope is the strategy, and there is gratitude to the universe for everything.
I'm just happy you're safe, and home again.
The feeling of repulsion, disgust, sorrow and horror is indescribable. I cannot even imagine what could have driven him to do something so heinous and what trauma it would have caused the poor child.
And I heard about a farmer, who's influential neighbor charged him with theft of two plants, got him in jail for 2 1/2 years, and is now trying to take over his land. And a man who was trying to save his burning wife after the stove exploded (getting half his body burnt in the process) and then being charged for murder by the relatives after she succumbed to the injuries. A man who was convicted for poisoning his wife, who had actually poisoned herself coz of mental ill health. And these are some of the good people in prison. Good people under trial or convicted for something they haven't even done. God alone knows the actual criminals and what they have done.
Although, the rapists and the wife beaters are treated as the absolute scum even in jails. Strange, how prison hierarchy would work.
It's a tough world out there. And I feel grateful for being blessed with the situations and people I have. Sure, there are problems, but when you think of the people who live in conditions like these, your problems seem inconsequential, insignificant and utterly ridiculous.
Living life is important. And I know that I cannot merely exist now, even if I try. There is too much beauty and love in this world, and I am blessed to have a share in it.
Perhaps I am witnessing a miracle here, but only time will tell if someone has truly changed or not. Till then, hope is the strategy, and there is gratitude to the universe for everything.
I'm just happy you're safe, and home again.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Twisting and turning.
It's kinda weird not making contact with anyone. Well, not initiating it at all, and just replying instead.
But it doesn't feel as though anyone is far off. Possibly it's because of the music. There are songs which remind me of each and every one, more songs of you, but it keeps me sane. It keeps me positive and helps me cope.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm turning inside out coz of all that's happening. But the feeling passes, and life goes on.
So thanks to all the songs we heard together, sang together, danced to together, and even ones which remind me of you even if you haven't heard them. :)
Life's like that, with twists and turns. Some full stops and sometimes the road finishes and you fall off a cliff. Even so, all is well. It could have been much worse. Whatever's happening is for the best.
All I know is that I am being irrevocably changed in some way. Good or bad, I don't know. But let the change happen. . . willingly, with the flow.
Till then, breathe. Just breathe.
But it doesn't feel as though anyone is far off. Possibly it's because of the music. There are songs which remind me of each and every one, more songs of you, but it keeps me sane. It keeps me positive and helps me cope.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm turning inside out coz of all that's happening. But the feeling passes, and life goes on.
So thanks to all the songs we heard together, sang together, danced to together, and even ones which remind me of you even if you haven't heard them. :)
Life's like that, with twists and turns. Some full stops and sometimes the road finishes and you fall off a cliff. Even so, all is well. It could have been much worse. Whatever's happening is for the best.
All I know is that I am being irrevocably changed in some way. Good or bad, I don't know. But let the change happen. . . willingly, with the flow.
Till then, breathe. Just breathe.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
:)
Just an FYI and expression of gratitude.
My mommy n daddy are the bestest everrrr!! Like evaaaa!!! :)
My mommy n daddy are the bestest everrrr!! Like evaaaa!!! :)
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Better this way.
At the end of the day, I know it's good you don't love me in that way. There are things in my life which I hope you shall never have to experience. And I want your life to be a happier one, without adding on these complications.
And I know I'm not someone who would be good for you. I'm antisocial, erratic, illogical, indifferent and cold. You need someone like the person I sometimes wish I was.
But I'm not that someone. And I'm not good for you, in that way or any other. Nor for anyone else. So i'm strangely glad you don't love me. And I'm glad that my caring for you does not run my whole life too. I know it's just a part, important, but not my whole life.
Situation is as I wish it. I just wish I could make more of an effort to be better friends, coz you are an amazing person n I would want to know you forever.
I also know it's best for me to search for myself at this time in my life. I'm turning into nothing, becoming a part of the nothingness if the universe. Which is good, but it's happening of it's own accord n I want it to be conscious. Completely.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, and whether I shall have that weak moment I'm afraid of.
Till then, I hope. For deliverance from all that's happening now. To have the strength to carry on.
It's better this way. What I shall do, who I shall be in the next few weeks. Honestly. It's better this way, so trust me on that. N that's for everyone, not just you.
And I know I'm not someone who would be good for you. I'm antisocial, erratic, illogical, indifferent and cold. You need someone like the person I sometimes wish I was.
But I'm not that someone. And I'm not good for you, in that way or any other. Nor for anyone else. So i'm strangely glad you don't love me. And I'm glad that my caring for you does not run my whole life too. I know it's just a part, important, but not my whole life.
Situation is as I wish it. I just wish I could make more of an effort to be better friends, coz you are an amazing person n I would want to know you forever.
I also know it's best for me to search for myself at this time in my life. I'm turning into nothing, becoming a part of the nothingness if the universe. Which is good, but it's happening of it's own accord n I want it to be conscious. Completely.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, and whether I shall have that weak moment I'm afraid of.
Till then, I hope. For deliverance from all that's happening now. To have the strength to carry on.
It's better this way. What I shall do, who I shall be in the next few weeks. Honestly. It's better this way, so trust me on that. N that's for everyone, not just you.
Numb, but holding on, still hoping.
Hope like it's going to come true, react numbly every time it doesn't change. Life's tough that way. Seeing your loved ones slowly kill themselves. Not good.
And not good living each day like this, hoping and dying and moving on.
There's a difference between being all accepting (like saints) and indifferent/numb (like us). What hurts is the knowledge that even though it doesn't hurt as much as it used to, or get the same reactions, this feeling finds its way into every emotion. Happiness isn't so happy anymore, and sorrow about anything doesn't touch you as much as it used to.
But this isn't about me. It's about you and what you are doing. Maybe you don't realize it, but your actions have consequences and effects on other peoples' lives too.
I hope it changes this time. I hope you get better. I hope there's a day when everything is better than it is right now. I miss you, the real you. And I want you back.
Coz someone told me how important it is to hold on, and I will. Always. Even if it changes me into someone I don't want to be. I'll hold on. Coz you're family.
And not good living each day like this, hoping and dying and moving on.
There's a difference between being all accepting (like saints) and indifferent/numb (like us). What hurts is the knowledge that even though it doesn't hurt as much as it used to, or get the same reactions, this feeling finds its way into every emotion. Happiness isn't so happy anymore, and sorrow about anything doesn't touch you as much as it used to.
But this isn't about me. It's about you and what you are doing. Maybe you don't realize it, but your actions have consequences and effects on other peoples' lives too.
I hope it changes this time. I hope you get better. I hope there's a day when everything is better than it is right now. I miss you, the real you. And I want you back.
Coz someone told me how important it is to hold on, and I will. Always. Even if it changes me into someone I don't want to be. I'll hold on. Coz you're family.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Swimming! :)
Random update.
Been going for swimming for 6 days now, and I think it's absolutely awesome to get up early n go jump in the pool!! :) Feeling slightly achy breaky, but good!! :)
You can't lose much weight by swimming, but it's a great way get your body moving. It's low impact, strengthens muscles, and makes you realize how awesome you feel after some exercise. :)
At least something's started. Long way to go, but enjoying the journey nevertheless! :)
Been going for swimming for 6 days now, and I think it's absolutely awesome to get up early n go jump in the pool!! :) Feeling slightly achy breaky, but good!! :)
You can't lose much weight by swimming, but it's a great way get your body moving. It's low impact, strengthens muscles, and makes you realize how awesome you feel after some exercise. :)
At least something's started. Long way to go, but enjoying the journey nevertheless! :)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Of course!
Of course I love you!
Of course everyone knows!
Of course I'm not going to tell you!
Of course I know that you know!
Of course I know there ain't a future here!
Of course I want to talk more, know more, meet more!
Of course I know 'the one' for you is out there somewhere, and it isn't me!
Of course I think of you when I listen to almost any song!
Of course I think about you a million times a day!
Of course I know you don't love me in that way!
And of course, that doesn't change anything. . .
Of course everyone knows!
Of course I'm not going to tell you!
Of course I know that you know!
Of course I know there ain't a future here!
Of course I want to talk more, know more, meet more!
Of course I know 'the one' for you is out there somewhere, and it isn't me!
Of course I think of you when I listen to almost any song!
Of course I think about you a million times a day!
Of course I know you don't love me in that way!
And of course, that doesn't change anything. . .
Indifferent, empty, cold. . . and some fear
So what is your greatest fear? Right here, right now. . ?
A heartbreak? Death? 2012? Spiders? The dark? Not being awesomely successful?
Or indifference? Because strangely, I realized that I'm not truly afraid of anything except becoming indifferent, cold and unfeeling. True, I'm not a people person, but I've never been indifferent to situations, people, and possible futures. And I think I may become that someday. And I don't think I like that.
I'm not indifferent, or cold, or unfeeling, or a block of ice. But sometimes I feel that I may be. And I may be freezing up even more inside. Everything shouldn't be so easy. Dealing with emotions must be more complicated than this! Either somewhere I'm sure about what I feel, or maybe I am just becoming more untouched by the intensity of emotions. I think it's the latter though.
I've always wanted to live life intensely, rather than blandly. But I'm just not that kind of a person, and everything goes by, and life goes on, and nothing lasts.
And there are people who hurt you deliberately over and over again, but you still hang on to them, coz that's the right thing to do. Even when you think of breaking off, a sign comes that tells you to hold on. And eventually, over the years, you turn cynical, untouched by even your own pain, and capable of dealing with whatever life deals out. Which is good because you're stronger than your circumstances, but bad because hardly anything creates a flurry of emotions or induces a part of your heart to clench.
I don't like the heart freezing over like this. I want that it should feel pain when there is pain, and love when there is love. I don't want this huge void and just a small part of the heart functioning.
Of course, it's good that the pain never hurts so much anymore, but unfortunately, the happiness and love doesn't reach either.
So that's my biggest fear. Not to be able to strike a balance. Not be able to overcome the emptiness that's taking over everything. Not being able to change this.
The ironic part? I realized this about 5 minutes after feeling intense anxiety about another individual.
Hah. . . life!
A heartbreak? Death? 2012? Spiders? The dark? Not being awesomely successful?
Or indifference? Because strangely, I realized that I'm not truly afraid of anything except becoming indifferent, cold and unfeeling. True, I'm not a people person, but I've never been indifferent to situations, people, and possible futures. And I think I may become that someday. And I don't think I like that.
I'm not indifferent, or cold, or unfeeling, or a block of ice. But sometimes I feel that I may be. And I may be freezing up even more inside. Everything shouldn't be so easy. Dealing with emotions must be more complicated than this! Either somewhere I'm sure about what I feel, or maybe I am just becoming more untouched by the intensity of emotions. I think it's the latter though.
I've always wanted to live life intensely, rather than blandly. But I'm just not that kind of a person, and everything goes by, and life goes on, and nothing lasts.
And there are people who hurt you deliberately over and over again, but you still hang on to them, coz that's the right thing to do. Even when you think of breaking off, a sign comes that tells you to hold on. And eventually, over the years, you turn cynical, untouched by even your own pain, and capable of dealing with whatever life deals out. Which is good because you're stronger than your circumstances, but bad because hardly anything creates a flurry of emotions or induces a part of your heart to clench.
I don't like the heart freezing over like this. I want that it should feel pain when there is pain, and love when there is love. I don't want this huge void and just a small part of the heart functioning.
Of course, it's good that the pain never hurts so much anymore, but unfortunately, the happiness and love doesn't reach either.
So that's my biggest fear. Not to be able to strike a balance. Not be able to overcome the emptiness that's taking over everything. Not being able to change this.
The ironic part? I realized this about 5 minutes after feeling intense anxiety about another individual.
Hah. . . life!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Pyar Impossible!
So there's this movie, and this guy says "She should love me for who I am, not because I love her!"
And the movie is called Pyar Impossible. :)
And though I'm not a geek, and he's not the hottest guy on the block, it's all still impossible.
And this isn't a fairytale, and I'm not a princess. This isn't a movie either. Nothing is going to change, and I'm not going to change it!! ::sigh::
And the movie is called Pyar Impossible. :)
And though I'm not a geek, and he's not the hottest guy on the block, it's all still impossible.
And this isn't a fairytale, and I'm not a princess. This isn't a movie either. Nothing is going to change, and I'm not going to change it!! ::sigh::
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Day 0
Btw, someone said to me that a person who is not fit is essentially unable to manage his/her life properly. Which is true, right?
Coz if we can't even take care of our own health, then it doesn't matter what else we're doing for ourselves. I think I'm going to take it up seriously. The message is coming from all directions and it's coming loud and clear!
Here's to a healthier lifestyle (THIS time it's for real, honest!)
Time to start with Day 0, right after a sleepless night (stupid mind/heart!)
Coz if we can't even take care of our own health, then it doesn't matter what else we're doing for ourselves. I think I'm going to take it up seriously. The message is coming from all directions and it's coming loud and clear!
Here's to a healthier lifestyle (THIS time it's for real, honest!)
Time to start with Day 0, right after a sleepless night (stupid mind/heart!)
Stay Beautiful
Cory's eyes are like a jungle
He smiles, it's like the radio
He whispers songs into my window
In words that nobody knows
There's pretty girls on every corner
That watch him as he's walking home
Saying, does he know
Will you ever know?
You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful
Corey finds another way to be
The highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures with my mind
So I can save 'em for a rainy day
It's hard to make a conversation
When he's taking my breath away
I should say
'Hey, by the way'
You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful
If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know
You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
Oh, but if it don't
Will you stay beautiful
A beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful
A beautiful, beautiful?
Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful
Stay beautiful
Monday, May 24, 2010
Soon!
Soon. . .
soon I shall convince myself to care for u in a more not-in-love way. Of course I'll love you just as much, but in a different way. Soon.
Soon I shall get some work, and earn a bit. Enough to get some work ex and be able to support my expenditures at least.
Soon I shall figure out a healthy life, and get it on track!
Soon I'll do something awesome in this world.
I'm quite sure about everything except for the first one. That one's gonna need all my persuasion skills and skewed logic! :) But soon. . . because I should, not because I want to. Coz I don't want to stop loving you.
soon I shall convince myself to care for u in a more not-in-love way. Of course I'll love you just as much, but in a different way. Soon.
Soon I shall get some work, and earn a bit. Enough to get some work ex and be able to support my expenditures at least.
Soon I shall figure out a healthy life, and get it on track!
Soon I'll do something awesome in this world.
I'm quite sure about everything except for the first one. That one's gonna need all my persuasion skills and skewed logic! :) But soon. . . because I should, not because I want to. Coz I don't want to stop loving you.
Of life purposes, happiness, desires and moksha
Heard two people talking today about the purpose of life. Interesting discussion really, though it's reality to me is much simpler than the direction the conversation went. :)
The purpose of life is happiness. To find our inner light while being in this human form, and become one with the universe.
Of course happiness is internal, and not stuck in material things. But knowing that is one thing, experiencing it is quite another. And the really happy happiness would come eventually after going through zillions of emotions, and realizing that happiness was within all the time. Even though we're searching for it, it's right there and we don't know it. External factors affect it of course, but that's just temporary. ;)
Desires are part and parcel of our human-ness, but it is possible to be desireless as well. (Although many times it is our desires that keep us moving forward in life and build up who we are). And some things which may seem like desires are actually inherent qualities that make up the person. It's a way of life, and they are 'detached desires' coz it's not the centre of existence for them. They understand there's more to life.
While we are here, in the midst of an experience, it is hard to really understand what is going on. But these are soul lessons, and they're a part of the soul's journey here. :)
As for Moksha/Nirvana, we're all heading towards it. At different paces, on different tracks, in different ways, but all of us are going towards realizing the light within and our true spirit forms. Because that's why we're here. That's why we're here in the earth-school. Till we get all the lessons right, study study study!
Life is seeming so uncomplicated and relaxed these days (even though in a lot of ways it's NOT!), and I'm enjoying this way of life. Probably soon there would be a different phase where everything seems irritating, maddening, hopeless and sad, but then that's another story. Wouldn't it be monotonous to stay absolutely the same forever? No growth, nothing. One can get tired even of being happy, I suppose.
So meanwhile life goes on, towards learning new soul lessons, getting closer to moksha, and consistent happiness. And, of course, as few desires. :)
The purpose of life is happiness. To find our inner light while being in this human form, and become one with the universe.
Of course happiness is internal, and not stuck in material things. But knowing that is one thing, experiencing it is quite another. And the really happy happiness would come eventually after going through zillions of emotions, and realizing that happiness was within all the time. Even though we're searching for it, it's right there and we don't know it. External factors affect it of course, but that's just temporary. ;)
Desires are part and parcel of our human-ness, but it is possible to be desireless as well. (Although many times it is our desires that keep us moving forward in life and build up who we are). And some things which may seem like desires are actually inherent qualities that make up the person. It's a way of life, and they are 'detached desires' coz it's not the centre of existence for them. They understand there's more to life.
While we are here, in the midst of an experience, it is hard to really understand what is going on. But these are soul lessons, and they're a part of the soul's journey here. :)
As for Moksha/Nirvana, we're all heading towards it. At different paces, on different tracks, in different ways, but all of us are going towards realizing the light within and our true spirit forms. Because that's why we're here. That's why we're here in the earth-school. Till we get all the lessons right, study study study!
Life is seeming so uncomplicated and relaxed these days (even though in a lot of ways it's NOT!), and I'm enjoying this way of life. Probably soon there would be a different phase where everything seems irritating, maddening, hopeless and sad, but then that's another story. Wouldn't it be monotonous to stay absolutely the same forever? No growth, nothing. One can get tired even of being happy, I suppose.
So meanwhile life goes on, towards learning new soul lessons, getting closer to moksha, and consistent happiness. And, of course, as few desires. :)
Reflections of a Skyline
I think I've posted this before, but I still like it. Thought of it again today.
And I'd tell you the worst of me, and try to give you the best of me because. . . you don't deserve any less.
And I'd tell you the worst of me, and try to give you the best of me because. . . you don't deserve any less.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Drunk on words!
More from Rumi!!
It's one of those phases where one feels drunk by mere words said by someone else. .
(i)
I know at last I know nothing;
Ignorance on such a scale, dazzles and frees my soul.
Child-wonder becomes my daily bread
Broken for me each passing moment.
(ii)
There's another language beyond language
Another heaven beyond heaven and hell
Our hearts live by another heart
What we are shines from a placeless place
(iii)
Don't talk to me of 'heaven', heaven's
for believers,
Long ago I abandoned believing for knowing.
I don't need any heaven when I have You here
Here with You is the only heaven i need.
It's one of those phases where one feels drunk by mere words said by someone else. .
(i)
I know at last I know nothing;
Ignorance on such a scale, dazzles and frees my soul.
Child-wonder becomes my daily bread
Broken for me each passing moment.
(ii)
There's another language beyond language
Another heaven beyond heaven and hell
Our hearts live by another heart
What we are shines from a placeless place
(iii)
Don't talk to me of 'heaven', heaven's
for believers,
Long ago I abandoned believing for knowing.
I don't need any heaven when I have You here
Here with You is the only heaven i need.
Love is Reckless (Rumi)
Rumi's poetry is awesome! The right one at the right time makes you feel like you are in another world, drunk on the intensity on what you feel!
Love is Reckless
Love is reckless; not reason.
Reason seeks a profit.
Love comes on strong, consuming herself, unabashed.
Yet, in the midst of suffering,
Love proceeds like a millstone,
hard surfaced and straightforward.
Having died to self interest,
she risks everything and asks for nothing.
Love gambles away every gift God bestows.
Without cause God gave us Being;
without cause, gave it back again.
Gambling yourself away is beyond any religion.
Religion seeks grace and favor,
but those who gamble these away are God's favorites,
for they neither put God to the test
nor knock at the door of gain and loss.
~RUMI
Love is Reckless
Love is reckless; not reason.
Reason seeks a profit.
Love comes on strong, consuming herself, unabashed.
Yet, in the midst of suffering,
Love proceeds like a millstone,
hard surfaced and straightforward.
Having died to self interest,
she risks everything and asks for nothing.
Love gambles away every gift God bestows.
Without cause God gave us Being;
without cause, gave it back again.
Gambling yourself away is beyond any religion.
Religion seeks grace and favor,
but those who gamble these away are God's favorites,
for they neither put God to the test
nor knock at the door of gain and loss.
~RUMI
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Madly irreplacably irrevocably!
It's almost amusing how loving you almost never gets me in a tizzy and upset. I'm not too sure about why I wanted to get over it in the first place!
Being in love keeps me happy, makes me a better person, adds some reality in life, and stops the blandness from setting in. Why would I even want to get over it? You're an awesome person, and I love you for being that. Simple enough. :)
On the plus (or minus) side, there will always be greater problems in daily life than unrequited love, and those are the ones that tear life apart. Wish there was a way to get life figured out for a while!
Perhaps I am madly, irreplacably, irrevocably in love with you! And there is absolutely no problem with that!
Anecdote:
She: But what do I say to him??
Me: That you're madly, irreplacably, irrevocably in love with him! What else?!
She: Hmm, hadn't thought of it in that way. . . ;)
Being in love keeps me happy, makes me a better person, adds some reality in life, and stops the blandness from setting in. Why would I even want to get over it? You're an awesome person, and I love you for being that. Simple enough. :)
On the plus (or minus) side, there will always be greater problems in daily life than unrequited love, and those are the ones that tear life apart. Wish there was a way to get life figured out for a while!
Perhaps I am madly, irreplacably, irrevocably in love with you! And there is absolutely no problem with that!
Anecdote:
She: But what do I say to him??
Me: That you're madly, irreplacably, irrevocably in love with him! What else?!
She: Hmm, hadn't thought of it in that way. . . ;)
Monday, May 17, 2010
:(
I do want to say sorry to you. And to you n you n you. I'm sorry I couldn't be good enough to get selected. I'm ok with it, honestly. But I don't like the feeling that I've let you down.
So sorry.. :(
So sorry.. :(
Thankkieeee! ;)
So I'm not on the position I wanted. And I have backache n a bit of flu. And there's this scene of one sided mushy love.
Hmmm...
But on the plus side, I have at least a gazillion reasons to be happy, and I choose to be that, now and forever. :)
Thank you to not being a TL, you make me realize there are so many ways left for me to improve, n that there are lots of cool thongs to doin life.
Thank you back pain, I see that I need to start taking care of myself more and not take burdens so seriously.
Thanks flu, I know that back pain isn't the worst thing on the world. ;) n that there are easy cures to some things at least.
And as for mushy one sided love, u make me a better n more loving person; able to understand and accept so much more than I could otherwise. And u make me happy by just knowing you exist. And I appreciate all the chnhes u bring within me. :)
Hmmm...
But on the plus side, I have at least a gazillion reasons to be happy, and I choose to be that, now and forever. :)
Thank you to not being a TL, you make me realize there are so many ways left for me to improve, n that there are lots of cool thongs to doin life.
Thank you back pain, I see that I need to start taking care of myself more and not take burdens so seriously.
Thanks flu, I know that back pain isn't the worst thing on the world. ;) n that there are easy cures to some things at least.
And as for mushy one sided love, u make me a better n more loving person; able to understand and accept so much more than I could otherwise. And u make me happy by just knowing you exist. And I appreciate all the chnhes u bring within me. :)
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
My mind still tells me to just let it go. And the heart refuses (except when it agrees, but isn't able to do it anyway).
Hmmm. . . looks like this is taking longer than I thought. Need to find something that would take me away (although, DO I want to be taken away?)
It's not pessimistic to say that nothing is going to work out (like magic!), just realistic (ugh, not one of my strongest points!).
Let time take it's own time to get me through this. Coz I know it's love forever, just hoping it can mature to a admiration-and-friendship-only based love. . eventually.
Hmmm. . . looks like this is taking longer than I thought. Need to find something that would take me away (although, DO I want to be taken away?)
It's not pessimistic to say that nothing is going to work out (like magic!), just realistic (ugh, not one of my strongest points!).
Let time take it's own time to get me through this. Coz I know it's love forever, just hoping it can mature to a admiration-and-friendship-only based love. . eventually.
;)
I think everyone knows by now! Except maybe. . . you. :P
But that doesn't change anything. Nothing is changing anything (drat) coz I still feel the same (mostly. . whenever I'm not in denial).
But that doesn't change anything. Nothing is changing anything (drat) coz I still feel the same (mostly. . whenever I'm not in denial).
Friday, April 30, 2010
Family-ish feelings all of a sudden
It's a strange time. A very strange time. I'm really not sure of who I am, and where I'm heading. Someone asked me what my fears are right now, generally in life. And I knew that even though I would not usually admit it to myself, my fear is that I shall not be the best of who I can be, and be able to support my parents. It's not a fear as such, and I'm not attracting it into my life, but it is something that I am concerned about.
Perhaps it's got something to do with turning 21, because I was never like this before. So family-ish and wanting to do more for the family. Or maybe I was always like this, but got used to being a weird temperamental teenager for a while.
I want to spend each and every moment with my family, every single day. I don't want to miss out even a moment. It's true, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.
I remember life a year ago, 2 years ago, 4 years ago. . . and it was never like this, never so strong.
Like the quote said "If you want world peace, go home and love your family". And I do.
Perhaps it's got something to do with turning 21, because I was never like this before. So family-ish and wanting to do more for the family. Or maybe I was always like this, but got used to being a weird temperamental teenager for a while.
I want to spend each and every moment with my family, every single day. I don't want to miss out even a moment. It's true, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.
I remember life a year ago, 2 years ago, 4 years ago. . . and it was never like this, never so strong.
Like the quote said "If you want world peace, go home and love your family". And I do.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Things of leisure, learning and fun!
Exams overrrr!! :D
Things to do now:
Make my room pretty and awesome
Organize and clear up all the data on my laptop, and shift it onto the netbook
Wall art in the house!
Cook, experiment with new recipes
Crafty artsy stuff
May Fair!
Accounts at home
Gym, swimming and healthy living
Finding a part time job/workshops/NGO involvement etc
and think of more things to do, like making a bean bag, figuring out Movie Maker in a better way, etc etc etc :)
Things to do now:
Make my room pretty and awesome
Organize and clear up all the data on my laptop, and shift it onto the netbook
Wall art in the house!
Cook, experiment with new recipes
Crafty artsy stuff
May Fair!
Accounts at home
Gym, swimming and healthy living
Finding a part time job/workshops/NGO involvement etc
and think of more things to do, like making a bean bag, figuring out Movie Maker in a better way, etc etc etc :)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
SOMETHING
I think I got over the whole you thing because I found something that freaked me out more and made me get up and want to do something about it.
It's something that takes up my whole thought time and most of my conversation time as well these days.
IT's something that hurts me more than anyone I love could ever hurt me.
It's something quite important enough to model my life around for the next few years.
It's something I know I need to change and turn into a better thing.
It's also something that I hope you never have to face, nor get to know that I do.
It's something that takes up my whole thought time and most of my conversation time as well these days.
IT's something that hurts me more than anyone I love could ever hurt me.
It's something quite important enough to model my life around for the next few years.
It's something I know I need to change and turn into a better thing.
It's also something that I hope you never have to face, nor get to know that I do.
If I wasn't supposed to cherish every single day of my life I would just write today off as one that didn't happen!
It's been such an irritating day!
Got sick (ouch!)
Didn't cook
Exam! Finger-ache now! :P
Super hot and not-so-nice weather
I dunno, everything has just been so not-me today!
Phew, that's for the complaining part ;) .
I am really looking forward to tomorrow though. It's planned to be very special indeed. :)
It's been such an irritating day!
Got sick (ouch!)
Didn't cook
Exam! Finger-ache now! :P
Super hot and not-so-nice weather
I dunno, everything has just been so not-me today!
Phew, that's for the complaining part ;) .
I am really looking forward to tomorrow though. It's planned to be very special indeed. :)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
:)
Mixed feelings, about a lot of things.
Some happy, some not, some just. . well. . indifferent.
Missing some very important people. A lot.
Waiting for 28th April, no matter how fast it comes, it can't be fast enough.
Getting over you, almost there now! Bit proud/satisfied/relieved/sad/empty/unemotional and a lot of other things coz of it. I don't know how long it's going to last, but hopefully it's for real this time.
Got my ears pierced! :)
Someone dating, someone about to. . This world's turning into a complicated place with me more-than-happy single! And for different reasons than you may think. :)
Yeah and my happy phase is still on, despite the occasional disappointments, failures, apprehension and fear. :)
Some happy, some not, some just. . well. . indifferent.
Missing some very important people. A lot.
Waiting for 28th April, no matter how fast it comes, it can't be fast enough.
Getting over you, almost there now! Bit proud/satisfied/relieved/sad/empty/unemotional and a lot of other things coz of it. I don't know how long it's going to last, but hopefully it's for real this time.
Got my ears pierced! :)
Someone dating, someone about to. . This world's turning into a complicated place with me more-than-happy single! And for different reasons than you may think. :)
Yeah and my happy phase is still on, despite the occasional disappointments, failures, apprehension and fear. :)
Monday, April 12, 2010
Kyun. . .
Nice song! :)
Toofan thum gaya hai, yaadein bhikhar gayi
Jo miley the, guzar gaye hain
Aane wale aaye nahi
Waqt ki raeth ye haath se fisal gayi
Inn andheron mein, kho gaya hoon main
Par ujaale ye aaye nahi
Kyun. . .
Aankhe nam jo hoti, aasu pehle hi sukh gaye
Baatein kuch mann mein dabi thi
Kehte kehte bas reh gaye
Waqt ki rait ye haath se fisal gayi
Inn andheron mein kho gaya hoon main
Par ujaale ye aaye nahi
Kyon. . .
Lamha tham sa gaya hai
Ruk gaya hai ye pal
Bhula kal jo hai guzra
Hai jaana aayega jo kal
Roshni taare se hui thi
Jo jo tha mere aankhon tak
Pahunche jo, kho gayi woh darmiyan
Waqt ki rait ye haath se fisal gayi
Inn andheron mein kho gaya hoon main
Par ujaale aaye nahi
Kyon. . .
Toofan thum gaya hai, yaadein bhikhar gayi
Jo miley the, guzar gaye hain
Aane wale aaye nahi
Waqt ki raeth ye haath se fisal gayi
Inn andheron mein, kho gaya hoon main
Par ujaale ye aaye nahi
Kyun. . .
Aankhe nam jo hoti, aasu pehle hi sukh gaye
Baatein kuch mann mein dabi thi
Kehte kehte bas reh gaye
Waqt ki rait ye haath se fisal gayi
Inn andheron mein kho gaya hoon main
Par ujaale ye aaye nahi
Kyon. . .
Lamha tham sa gaya hai
Ruk gaya hai ye pal
Bhula kal jo hai guzra
Hai jaana aayega jo kal
Roshni taare se hui thi
Jo jo tha mere aankhon tak
Pahunche jo, kho gayi woh darmiyan
Waqt ki rait ye haath se fisal gayi
Inn andheron mein kho gaya hoon main
Par ujaale aaye nahi
Kyon. . .
Friday, April 9, 2010
Yippy Yappy Happy! :P
It's funny how easy it is to be happy sometimes and so complicated at others. And it's extremely weird that it does not correspond with the situation and external environment at that time!
I mean, come onnn, one is usually in a not-so-happy state when they're in the middle of final exams and falling out of love and missing their best fren and not being a part of something big anymore! Like duh, obviously getting happiness is complicated at this time.
And one is usually very happy when they're doing lots of cool things and hanging out and doing something great and not plagued by any academic stress. Correct??
So WHY is it the opposite these days?? Not that I'm complaining. . . I'm quite happy being happy. :)
perhaps when the external environment is sufficiently distracting, and there are distressing situations to cope with, the mind finds happiness in the simple things and does not carry on a quest for happiness. And ironically, you find happiness when you stop searching so hard for it (because, when we do a million amazing things, aren't we subconsciously telling ourselves to be happy coz of it?! ).
Quite interesting. Putting in some theory after experiencing the practical aspect of this. :)
ah well, as long as there is happiness, life is good. No matter what the external world may be upto!! :) it's like a self made happiness for now.
I mean, come onnn, one is usually in a not-so-happy state when they're in the middle of final exams and falling out of love and missing their best fren and not being a part of something big anymore! Like duh, obviously getting happiness is complicated at this time.
And one is usually very happy when they're doing lots of cool things and hanging out and doing something great and not plagued by any academic stress. Correct??
So WHY is it the opposite these days?? Not that I'm complaining. . . I'm quite happy being happy. :)
perhaps when the external environment is sufficiently distracting, and there are distressing situations to cope with, the mind finds happiness in the simple things and does not carry on a quest for happiness. And ironically, you find happiness when you stop searching so hard for it (because, when we do a million amazing things, aren't we subconsciously telling ourselves to be happy coz of it?! ).
Quite interesting. Putting in some theory after experiencing the practical aspect of this. :)
ah well, as long as there is happiness, life is good. No matter what the external world may be upto!! :) it's like a self made happiness for now.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
HAPPY IN A QUIET CONTENT KIND OF WAY :)
Interesting day!
Started of dreadfully, then turned to good and ending up on an average note.
Not a day of any revelation, but one where the previous ones were not contested and no doubts came to the mind, thus creating happiness. :)
And oh-my-god, I didn't get distracted during my whole exam today!! :O Perhaps somewhere in my subconscious I really do like accounts!
And I do think I'm falling out of love, and I'm still happy (na, not in the same way, of course). And not love, actually, just the crush-ish kinda part of it, since the love existed before and always will. :)
And I'm not like you, not quite so god-like who everyone worships. I'm quite mortal, and to be honest, I don't think I'd like to be quite so out-there as everyone else is. Sure, I think I do want it, but I don't think I would.
Also, life has started having certain other things which seem important now (and I have no idea whyy!), like home, and family and being good-ish, sleeping on time etc. .. Y'know, the good things a person should do. The weird part is, that I really want to do them now! Perhaps it's a part of growing up. :) Welcome, but rather different since it's kinda demonstrative!
I saw a video and I'm still having some thoughts about it. So if you have option A and B, and a week to choose, you'll forever live in the indecision that perhaps the other one was better, no matter if you choose A or B! And it's going to last even after the week, and you'll never be happy.
But if you have only Option A(or B), and you choose it, you're happy. Always.
And you're happy even if you're told in one instant to choose one and it shall be irrevocable.
So technically, options make us unhappy since we continue to fret over what-could-have-been rather than what is. Rather stupid and pointless.
So what if there is only one option and you know it won't work? You know the existence of it (thus the desire to have it) but you are convinced of the imposssiblity of having it. Is one still happy? Curious. Although, I do think that I would stay happy, since it's as good as not having an option, and one would be happy in other forms.
I know the only real problem I have is that I'm content with what is, and I know I'll be happy no matter what. Not jumping-on-the-walls-shouting-with-glee kinda happy, but content and happy with what is and what isn't. :)
So therefore, no matter where it goes from now and even if temporary happiness clouds over, I know I'll still be eventually happy. And that makes me happy. :)
Started of dreadfully, then turned to good and ending up on an average note.
Not a day of any revelation, but one where the previous ones were not contested and no doubts came to the mind, thus creating happiness. :)
And oh-my-god, I didn't get distracted during my whole exam today!! :O Perhaps somewhere in my subconscious I really do like accounts!
And I do think I'm falling out of love, and I'm still happy (na, not in the same way, of course). And not love, actually, just the crush-ish kinda part of it, since the love existed before and always will. :)
And I'm not like you, not quite so god-like who everyone worships. I'm quite mortal, and to be honest, I don't think I'd like to be quite so out-there as everyone else is. Sure, I think I do want it, but I don't think I would.
Also, life has started having certain other things which seem important now (and I have no idea whyy!), like home, and family and being good-ish, sleeping on time etc. .. Y'know, the good things a person should do. The weird part is, that I really want to do them now! Perhaps it's a part of growing up. :) Welcome, but rather different since it's kinda demonstrative!
I saw a video and I'm still having some thoughts about it. So if you have option A and B, and a week to choose, you'll forever live in the indecision that perhaps the other one was better, no matter if you choose A or B! And it's going to last even after the week, and you'll never be happy.
But if you have only Option A(or B), and you choose it, you're happy. Always.
And you're happy even if you're told in one instant to choose one and it shall be irrevocable.
So technically, options make us unhappy since we continue to fret over what-could-have-been rather than what is. Rather stupid and pointless.
So what if there is only one option and you know it won't work? You know the existence of it (thus the desire to have it) but you are convinced of the imposssiblity of having it. Is one still happy? Curious. Although, I do think that I would stay happy, since it's as good as not having an option, and one would be happy in other forms.
I know the only real problem I have is that I'm content with what is, and I know I'll be happy no matter what. Not jumping-on-the-walls-shouting-with-glee kinda happy, but content and happy with what is and what isn't. :)
So therefore, no matter where it goes from now and even if temporary happiness clouds over, I know I'll still be eventually happy. And that makes me happy. :)
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Not People-ish!
I'm not feeling people-ish again. Perhaps that's just how I am.
Sometimes it's amusing how my phone doesn't ring the whole day sometimes, and the most messages I get are from Facebook. And sometimes, it matters and makes me sad.
But usually, it's ok. Perhaps I am just accepting the changes and the consequences that come along with it. Or perhaps this is the way I am, and being people-ish was just something I did because I was supposed to (of course, I loved it while it lasted and I miss every single one of them).
I don't really know why it's 'ok' so many times in my life. I mean, come onnn, am I not supposed to feel some uncontrololable emotion and go crazy because everything's changing? It makes life feel bland. Perhaps I am just able to keep control over what I'm feeling and able to persuade myself about what to feel. I'm glad I can, but sometimes I wish I didn't. It's only rare when I react impuslively or can't keep a check over it all. I don't like it. I want to be impulsive and crazy and wild. I don't like this, it feels like a watered down version of me.
Oh well, this is a journey to discover who I am. Perhaps I will someday. And find a balance, and the people who are able to break that balance of mine :) :)
Sometimes it's amusing how my phone doesn't ring the whole day sometimes, and the most messages I get are from Facebook. And sometimes, it matters and makes me sad.
But usually, it's ok. Perhaps I am just accepting the changes and the consequences that come along with it. Or perhaps this is the way I am, and being people-ish was just something I did because I was supposed to (of course, I loved it while it lasted and I miss every single one of them).
I don't really know why it's 'ok' so many times in my life. I mean, come onnn, am I not supposed to feel some uncontrololable emotion and go crazy because everything's changing? It makes life feel bland. Perhaps I am just able to keep control over what I'm feeling and able to persuade myself about what to feel. I'm glad I can, but sometimes I wish I didn't. It's only rare when I react impuslively or can't keep a check over it all. I don't like it. I want to be impulsive and crazy and wild. I don't like this, it feels like a watered down version of me.
Oh well, this is a journey to discover who I am. Perhaps I will someday. And find a balance, and the people who are able to break that balance of mine :) :)
It's Odd
It's odd.
It isn't that I care any less, just that I shall let it affect me less.
It's odd how the songs you've been listening to turn my heart over like no other. Perhaps you've just got a good taste in music ;) .
It's funny how I am able to accept and acknowledge that there is nothing anymore, and the very next moment I catch myself thinking about you.
It's odd how I really do feel that I am letting go, but somewhere holding back too.
Oh well, perhaps I should let time run it's course. It's the best way. The way it should be.
It isn't that I care any less, just that I shall let it affect me less.
It's odd how the songs you've been listening to turn my heart over like no other. Perhaps you've just got a good taste in music ;) .
It's funny how I am able to accept and acknowledge that there is nothing anymore, and the very next moment I catch myself thinking about you.
It's odd how I really do feel that I am letting go, but somewhere holding back too.
Oh well, perhaps I should let time run it's course. It's the best way. The way it should be.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
ZINDAGI PYAR KI DO CHAR GHADI HOTI HAI
I've never been a fan of old songs, but I heard this little bit when I went to watch 'The Blue Mug' play, and just love it. :)
Zindagi Pyaar Ki Do Chaar Ghadi Hoti Hai
Zindagi Pyaar Ki Do Chaar Ghadi Hoti Hai
Chaahe Thodi Bhi Ho Ye Umra Badi Hoti Hai
Zindagi Pyaar Ki Do Chaar Ghadi Hoti Hai
Taaj Ya Takht Ya Daulat Ho Zamaane Bhar Ki
Kaun Si Cheez Mohabbat Se Badi Hoti Hai
Zindagi...
Kaun Si Cheez Mohabbat Se Badi Hoti Hai
Zindagi...
Zindagi Pyaar Ki Do Chaar Ghadi Hoti Hai
Chaahe Thodi Bhi Ho Ye Umra Badi Hoti Hai
Zindagi Pyaar Ki Do Chaar Ghadi Hoti Hai
Zindagi Pyaar Ki Do Chaar Ghadi Hoti Hai
Zindagi Pyaar Ki Do Chaar Ghadi Hoti Hai
Chaahe Thodi Bhi Ho Ye Umra Badi Hoti Hai
Zindagi Pyaar Ki Do Chaar Ghadi Hoti Hai
Taaj Ya Takht Ya Daulat Ho Zamaane Bhar Ki
Kaun Si Cheez Mohabbat Se Badi Hoti Hai
Zindagi...
Kaun Si Cheez Mohabbat Se Badi Hoti Hai
Zindagi...
Zindagi Pyaar Ki Do Chaar Ghadi Hoti Hai
Chaahe Thodi Bhi Ho Ye Umra Badi Hoti Hai
Zindagi Pyaar Ki Do Chaar Ghadi Hoti Hai
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
BROKEN
The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you
Monday, March 29, 2010
Oh well.. And so time goes by..
Searching for some inner strength, to combat the inner demons that make me go crazy!!
Searching, but afraid of what I'll find.
Why is it so important to think about everything n so hard to just let go?? Why is there a nagging voice that says I'm not strong enough, even if I am??
I shall not mess it up. You're too important to me as a person, n this is one of the best n most challenging times of your life. I refuse to be the one to make it tougher n to screw it up. That's my last decision on the matter.
So THERE!! :|
Searching, but afraid of what I'll find.
Why is it so important to think about everything n so hard to just let go?? Why is there a nagging voice that says I'm not strong enough, even if I am??
I shall not mess it up. You're too important to me as a person, n this is one of the best n most challenging times of your life. I refuse to be the one to make it tougher n to screw it up. That's my last decision on the matter.
So THERE!! :|
Fun type evening! :)
Listened to a love long and didn't feel senti/sad at all! (time's a-changing!)
Feels like everything is in perspective and that I have everyone and everything I would ever want! :) An amazing evening, very relaxed and full of intricate little things that one should keep in mind forever.
All in all, wondering why on earth I was feeling so troubled before. And feeling more happy shiny and warm n fuzzy than ever before! More of a family-ish kinda way though. :) :)
Feels like everything is in perspective and that I have everyone and everything I would ever want! :) An amazing evening, very relaxed and full of intricate little things that one should keep in mind forever.
All in all, wondering why on earth I was feeling so troubled before. And feeling more happy shiny and warm n fuzzy than ever before! More of a family-ish kinda way though. :) :)
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Why do we HAVE to know everything about everything?
Ah well, the mind is such a complex phenomenon! And the heart even more so.
How would you really know what it is you feel? I mean, how do you really really know it?
Which has not (finally) brought me to this question; does it really matter? Do you really have to know everything about how you feel and why?? Whyy?! Besides, when you make a perception (even about yourself) you subconsciously beolieve that it shall last forever, which is obviously not the case.
People change, so do their thoughts and emotions. And the situations around them. I asked someone yesterday (yet another what-is-love discussion!) 'Do all special things have to last forever? Can't it be special even if it's for a short time?'.
Therefore, the conclusion is that I don't really know what I think or feel (I have some perceptions of course, but who knows what the subconscious and unconscious mind are thinking?, and that's ok. :)
I also believe (at this moment in time) that I do not love you in 'that' way anymore even though I respect, love and admire infinitely the person you are, with all the flaws and wonderful qualities. Perhaps tomorrow I shall realize that I am just trying to convince myself of something that is not, and that I do like you in 'that' way. It's ok for me to not know, because either way, this does not entail any responsibility nor does it mean that I am going to go out n say anything to you anyway.
I know everything sounds as though I am hopelessly confused, but I am not. Well, at least it doesn't feel that way. It feels calm not, since there is no time or energy going into pondering over the scenario anymore. Whatever is, is! Or isn't!
Besides we have thousands of thoughts each day. Attempting to hash out each and every oone would be rather fruitless and frustrating.
Enough of rambling on for now, I have to now go and bake, for another special someone who I am missing! :)
How would you really know what it is you feel? I mean, how do you really really know it?
Which has not (finally) brought me to this question; does it really matter? Do you really have to know everything about how you feel and why?? Whyy?! Besides, when you make a perception (even about yourself) you subconsciously beolieve that it shall last forever, which is obviously not the case.
People change, so do their thoughts and emotions. And the situations around them. I asked someone yesterday (yet another what-is-love discussion!) 'Do all special things have to last forever? Can't it be special even if it's for a short time?'.
Therefore, the conclusion is that I don't really know what I think or feel (I have some perceptions of course, but who knows what the subconscious and unconscious mind are thinking?, and that's ok. :)
I also believe (at this moment in time) that I do not love you in 'that' way anymore even though I respect, love and admire infinitely the person you are, with all the flaws and wonderful qualities. Perhaps tomorrow I shall realize that I am just trying to convince myself of something that is not, and that I do like you in 'that' way. It's ok for me to not know, because either way, this does not entail any responsibility nor does it mean that I am going to go out n say anything to you anyway.
I know everything sounds as though I am hopelessly confused, but I am not. Well, at least it doesn't feel that way. It feels calm not, since there is no time or energy going into pondering over the scenario anymore. Whatever is, is! Or isn't!
Besides we have thousands of thoughts each day. Attempting to hash out each and every oone would be rather fruitless and frustrating.
Enough of rambling on for now, I have to now go and bake, for another special someone who I am missing! :)
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Cmon, they're just words!!
I wonder why we have started calling everything awesome or amazing, and other perfectly good English words don't seem to mean as much as they used to. Ok, we like using some words more than other, and we like it when others identlfy us by them too, but it seems slightly weird by now. Perhaps it's because there's a lot of extra thought space that's been created in my mind and it's yearning to let out some randomness previously unnoticed.
Still, I do think that brilliant, wonderful, lovely are great words and I should use them as often as I can. Besides, shouldn't people identify u with the kind of things you say and mean, rather than the random snippets and oft used phrases??
Still, I do think that brilliant, wonderful, lovely are great words and I should use them as often as I can. Besides, shouldn't people identify u with the kind of things you say and mean, rather than the random snippets and oft used phrases??
Think!!
Y'know, I really wonder why we spend so much time thinking about non productive things.
If u like it, do it. If you don't, then chuck it! And why does it take so much to make us happy sometimes?? What happened to us being eternal beings of love, light and joy??
Sheesh. Starting right this moment, I am going to erase any thought that I think would create clutter in my head and stop me from being the essentially joyous person I am meant to be.
Don't get me wrong, thinking is a good thing. It's the best way to keep your brain working well n to remain sane. But random clutter doesn't help. Really. Even if you're planning an event or doing something that needs concentration n thought, would it not be better if your mind was trained to think in an easygoing and productive manner??
Think about it. ;)
If u like it, do it. If you don't, then chuck it! And why does it take so much to make us happy sometimes?? What happened to us being eternal beings of love, light and joy??
Sheesh. Starting right this moment, I am going to erase any thought that I think would create clutter in my head and stop me from being the essentially joyous person I am meant to be.
Don't get me wrong, thinking is a good thing. It's the best way to keep your brain working well n to remain sane. But random clutter doesn't help. Really. Even if you're planning an event or doing something that needs concentration n thought, would it not be better if your mind was trained to think in an easygoing and productive manner??
Think about it. ;)
Decision to study: check!
It's making an effort that really counts. If you try hard enough, you can get pretty much anything. . .
Starting to study reallyyyy properly from tomorrow, and gonna clear up and prettyfy the room too so that I feel more study-ish.
Feeling happy shiny right now, and it has nothing to do with the books right here, but a lot to do with what's going on in the mind!
Starting to study reallyyyy properly from tomorrow, and gonna clear up and prettyfy the room too so that I feel more study-ish.
Feeling happy shiny right now, and it has nothing to do with the books right here, but a lot to do with what's going on in the mind!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Apt
Not my thoughts, not my words. Found these elsewhere, but they seemed apt:
I've never told you,what I should have said.
There's so much things in my head,I have too many things to say.
So many things you never knew,so many times I've thought of you.
Ready to let go,but I've never known I'd be missing. Missing so much,
So when can I let go? Maybe I should just keep my thoughts to myself. Indeed.
There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such an unreal life. They take the images outside themselves for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself.
To shine is better than to reflect
Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity.
The heart is what matters most of all
Today, you inspired me
Today is a perfect day for lying down and staring at the clouds and realizing how beautiful life really is
Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench, even if there's plenty of space on both sides.
You can't expect to find the right someone until you know who you are, what you want and what makes your heart happy. (although, shouldn't it be WHO you want and WHO makes you heart happy??)
I used to like that song, but then it got popular and overplayed.
DFTBA (Don't forget to be awesome)!
No-one gets tired of loving,
But everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing promises, saying sorry and all the hurting.
Dear best friend,
I love you more daily. i wish you could see yourself the way i see you and i wish you could love yourself the way i love you. and i wish your life is everything you deserve because, in my opinion, you deserve the world. i will stand by you forever and my heart will always belong to you.
Next time you think about wonderful things, don't forget to count yourself in :)
Never never ever give up
So. . . I think I love you
Monsters are real, and so are ghosts. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.
It's not enough to assume you know best and to treat others the way you would want to be treated, which means defining them by your own paradigms and frameworks. Instead you must learn to respect the other enough to really pay attention, listen, and learn, and let them have the power to define themselves. Treat them as they want to be treated
Sometimes I'm afraid of listening to the cute songs on the radio, coz they remind me of how afraid I am of ending up alone.
When I was 5 years old, my mom told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I said 'happy'. They said I didn't understand the assignment. I guess they didn't understand life.
In this world of numbness and information overload, the ability to feel. . . . is a rare gift indeed.
Even if it's not your fault, it's your responsibility.
One form of loving is when you just want the best for someone, whether it includes you or not. :) :)
We all wanna believe in love, we all wanna believe in something bigger than just us. We all wanna be a part of the greater picture.
Be awesome!
There is no-one who is youer than you!
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it, you feel it.
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you.
When was the last time you did something for the first time?
I've never told you,what I should have said.
There's so much things in my head,I have too many things to say.
So many things you never knew,so many times I've thought of you.
Ready to let go,but I've never known I'd be missing. Missing so much,
So when can I let go? Maybe I should just keep my thoughts to myself. Indeed.
There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such an unreal life. They take the images outside themselves for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself.
To shine is better than to reflect
Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity.
The heart is what matters most of all
Today, you inspired me
Today is a perfect day for lying down and staring at the clouds and realizing how beautiful life really is
Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench, even if there's plenty of space on both sides.
You can't expect to find the right someone until you know who you are, what you want and what makes your heart happy. (although, shouldn't it be WHO you want and WHO makes you heart happy??)
I used to like that song, but then it got popular and overplayed.
DFTBA (Don't forget to be awesome)!
No-one gets tired of loving,
But everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing promises, saying sorry and all the hurting.
Dear best friend,
I love you more daily. i wish you could see yourself the way i see you and i wish you could love yourself the way i love you. and i wish your life is everything you deserve because, in my opinion, you deserve the world. i will stand by you forever and my heart will always belong to you.
Next time you think about wonderful things, don't forget to count yourself in :)
Never never ever give up
So. . . I think I love you
Monsters are real, and so are ghosts. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.
It's not enough to assume you know best and to treat others the way you would want to be treated, which means defining them by your own paradigms and frameworks. Instead you must learn to respect the other enough to really pay attention, listen, and learn, and let them have the power to define themselves. Treat them as they want to be treated
Sometimes I'm afraid of listening to the cute songs on the radio, coz they remind me of how afraid I am of ending up alone.
When I was 5 years old, my mom told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I said 'happy'. They said I didn't understand the assignment. I guess they didn't understand life.
In this world of numbness and information overload, the ability to feel. . . . is a rare gift indeed.
Even if it's not your fault, it's your responsibility.
One form of loving is when you just want the best for someone, whether it includes you or not. :) :)
We all wanna believe in love, we all wanna believe in something bigger than just us. We all wanna be a part of the greater picture.
Be awesome!
There is no-one who is youer than you!
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it, you feel it.
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you.
When was the last time you did something for the first time?
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Life is too short to wake up with regrets,
So love the people who treat you right,
Forget about the ones who don’t,
Believe everything happens for a reason,
If you get a chance, take it & if it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it
So love the people who treat you right,
Forget about the ones who don’t,
Believe everything happens for a reason,
If you get a chance, take it & if it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it
:)
There's just SO much we can do, and yet we remain fixed in our comfort zone and even if we do venture out, we're not always the best of who we are.
Too much caution, too much fear. Throw caution to the winds and go live your life!
Coz only when you're doing the absolute best you can, with everything, will you truly feel happy. :)
Put some music in your life, and do what makes you happy.
Too much caution, too much fear. Throw caution to the winds and go live your life!
Coz only when you're doing the absolute best you can, with everything, will you truly feel happy. :)
Put some music in your life, and do what makes you happy.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Let go
Let go. It's good even if it isn't easy.
Turn a new leaf, build a new life and hang on to what is real is loved forever.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
It's a crazy life, and I realized today how much time we spend wasting it away (yes, it took me 21 years to have this flash of insight quite so strongly. Never been SO strong before).
So, I've decided to not ruminate on the matters which are just not going to help me and rather work upon the aspects which would get some output at least. :)
I'm not sure what brought this fact to my mind so strongly today, but let's hope it lasts for a while at least. Until I start thinking about you again! :S
So, I've decided to not ruminate on the matters which are just not going to help me and rather work upon the aspects which would get some output at least. :)
I'm not sure what brought this fact to my mind so strongly today, but let's hope it lasts for a while at least. Until I start thinking about you again! :S
Full Moon
Full moon:
Crazy about this song. :)
When the thorn bush turns white thats when I'll come home,
I am going out to see what i can sow,
And i don't know where I'll go,
But i don't know what I'll see,
But I'll try not to bring it back home with me.
Like the morning sun your eyes will follow me,
As you watch me wander, curse the powers be
'Cos all i want is here right now,
But its already been and gone,
Our attentions always last that bit too long.
Ooh ooh,
Far far away, no voices sounding, no one around me, and you're still there.
Far far away,no choices passing, no time confounds me, and you're still there.
In the Full moon's light i listen to the stream,
And in between the silence, hear you calling me,
But i don't know where i am,
And i don't trust who I've been,
And If i come home how will i ever leave
Ooh, ooh
Crazy about this song. :)
When the thorn bush turns white thats when I'll come home,
I am going out to see what i can sow,
And i don't know where I'll go,
But i don't know what I'll see,
But I'll try not to bring it back home with me.
Like the morning sun your eyes will follow me,
As you watch me wander, curse the powers be
'Cos all i want is here right now,
But its already been and gone,
Our attentions always last that bit too long.
Ooh ooh,
Far far away, no voices sounding, no one around me, and you're still there.
Far far away,no choices passing, no time confounds me, and you're still there.
In the Full moon's light i listen to the stream,
And in between the silence, hear you calling me,
But i don't know where i am,
And i don't trust who I've been,
And If i come home how will i ever leave
Ooh, ooh
Friday, March 19, 2010
Ok, so WHAT is so romantic n appealing about a vampire in love with a human and then a werewolf in the story too??! Reading Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.
It's too intense n full of love n strength. I love it. Makes u think that we re all extraordinary n there is someone out there for each of us. :) and a good life.
It's too intense n full of love n strength. I love it. Makes u think that we re all extraordinary n there is someone out there for each of us. :) and a good life.
A woman of substance
Reading this book always inspires me. It makes me realize that I have to work hard if I want to get what I want to.
And it makes me realize that family is important. And it doesn't matter where u start from, as long as u do! N that we mess up sometimes n so do the people around us, and it would save a lot of heartache if we just let it go sometimes. And that love comes in many forms. That u have to compromise on some things, sometimes. And never compromise on the really important things like honesty, love and hard work.
And it makes me realize how good n capable we can all be. And that we are truly not responsible for the actions of other individuals, no matter how close we may be to them.
And of course, it reminds me that love is crazy and powerful beyond measure. And that one person can go a long way to build what they want and make a difference.
We need to adapt according to the people around us, be soft n understanding or harsh n strict as the need may be. And about generosity n selflessness.
It's one of those few books I read time n again, to remind myself of what is possible, what we must hold on to and what it could take to get what u want. It's the story of 'A woman of substance' :) :)
P.S. I like the title. It reminds me of the amazing women I know. And this story.
And it makes me realize that family is important. And it doesn't matter where u start from, as long as u do! N that we mess up sometimes n so do the people around us, and it would save a lot of heartache if we just let it go sometimes. And that love comes in many forms. That u have to compromise on some things, sometimes. And never compromise on the really important things like honesty, love and hard work.
And it makes me realize how good n capable we can all be. And that we are truly not responsible for the actions of other individuals, no matter how close we may be to them.
And of course, it reminds me that love is crazy and powerful beyond measure. And that one person can go a long way to build what they want and make a difference.
We need to adapt according to the people around us, be soft n understanding or harsh n strict as the need may be. And about generosity n selflessness.
It's one of those few books I read time n again, to remind myself of what is possible, what we must hold on to and what it could take to get what u want. It's the story of 'A woman of substance' :) :)
P.S. I like the title. It reminds me of the amazing women I know. And this story.
Exam time!
Crap. I can NOT afford to go to pieces like this. Not because of YOU!! Not happening dude. Not happening.
Probably coz of exams. I'm thinking even less logically than usual. Right now, the thoughts are barely coherent. Oh wait, they're not coherent at ALL!!
Damnnnn... This is so not happening. Not coz of u ( ok, technically ur not doin anything n it's all my fault ) n not again!!
And here I was thinking that I might just start thinking properly now that the exams are coming n I should be in that thinking logically kinda mode. Clearly, NOT!!
Probably coz of exams. I'm thinking even less logically than usual. Right now, the thoughts are barely coherent. Oh wait, they're not coherent at ALL!!
Damnnnn... This is so not happening. Not coz of u ( ok, technically ur not doin anything n it's all my fault ) n not again!!
And here I was thinking that I might just start thinking properly now that the exams are coming n I should be in that thinking logically kinda mode. Clearly, NOT!!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Ignore and walk away...
I hate feeling helpless and out of options. Possibly I'm not thinking straight but the only way to escape being disturbed by the situation is to ignore it and walk away. And pretend it doesn't exist.
Yeah, like THAT ever helps! Much. Better than nothing. Better than sitting and moping, listening to the voices and knowing you're helpless to really change anything.
Ain't that easy. But ain't too tough to live by ( when u consider the options ).
Oh well, such is life. . .
Till there's a solution I see, this situation is gonna have me behaving like an ostrich. Like it buries it's head under the ground, and just because it can't SEE the problem, it doesnt mean it's not there. As it's been for the last couple of years.
Yeah, like THAT ever helps! Much. Better than nothing. Better than sitting and moping, listening to the voices and knowing you're helpless to really change anything.
Ain't that easy. But ain't too tough to live by ( when u consider the options ).
Oh well, such is life. . .
Till there's a solution I see, this situation is gonna have me behaving like an ostrich. Like it buries it's head under the ground, and just because it can't SEE the problem, it doesnt mean it's not there. As it's been for the last couple of years.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Opposites and confusion, but a bit of surety.
Still living in a world of opposites. My personal universe has decided to not only make opposites exist, but to make them exist uncomfortably close to each other.
Feeling rather cynical about the whole concept of love, and occasionally the feeling as well. Though only the romantic type. And yet, I believe its reality, its purity if it's someone else who's going through it. Yep, I believe it without a doubt. I believe it.
There are a few things I'm sure of, of course. A few.
One would be the existence of love. As i know it. The unconditional, all encompassing, neverending kinda love. Not just the romantic type. The best friend type. And the daughter type. And even the you're my pillow type. Yeah it's there.
And @ my best friend, I'm happy for the realization and I know I'll do whatever that it takes to make it work!
Feeling happy shiny, and crazy hopeful right here, right now.
Feeling rather cynical about the whole concept of love, and occasionally the feeling as well. Though only the romantic type. And yet, I believe its reality, its purity if it's someone else who's going through it. Yep, I believe it without a doubt. I believe it.
There are a few things I'm sure of, of course. A few.
One would be the existence of love. As i know it. The unconditional, all encompassing, neverending kinda love. Not just the romantic type. The best friend type. And the daughter type. And even the you're my pillow type. Yeah it's there.
And @ my best friend, I'm happy for the realization and I know I'll do whatever that it takes to make it work!
Feeling happy shiny, and crazy hopeful right here, right now.
Everybody
We have fallen down again tonight,
In this world it's hard to get it right.
Trying to make your heart fit like a glove,
What you need is love, love, love.
Everybody, everybody wants to love,
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved.
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Happy is the heart that still feels pain,
Darkness drains and light will come again.
Swing open up your chest and let it in,
Just let the love, love, love begin.
Everybody knows the love
Everybody holds the love,
Everybody folds for love.
Everybody feels the love,
Everybody steals the love,
Everybody heals with love.
Oh oh oh
Just let the love, love, love begin
Just let the love, love, love begin
Random thoughts
Disjointed bits of thought in the past few weeks:
Weird, ironic question: Why would ANYONE want to fall out of love if it's the most amazing feeling in the world?
Unsure if I'm in love with you, or the idea of you, or the idea of being in love with you.
Love you now and forever, in some way or the other. . . :)
Belligerent, mean and not a part of the world as you know it. That's me. Sometimes. But that's not quite so bad, and definitely not all the time. ;)
Okay with being single. Happy, even. But I miss the way the world starts so seem beautiful because of another person. And the feeling of love. Who wouldn't?
Things are changing. Nightmares continue to make me feel scared after I wake up. And anger doesn't dissolve as quickly as it used to. Turns the world upside down and churns it into a weird twisted mixture before it goes away. Natural for most people I suppose (cmonn, nightmares leave u scared, right?) but not me. . . Feels very very weird.
Weird, ironic question: Why would ANYONE want to fall out of love if it's the most amazing feeling in the world?
Unsure if I'm in love with you, or the idea of you, or the idea of being in love with you.
Love you now and forever, in some way or the other. . . :)
Belligerent, mean and not a part of the world as you know it. That's me. Sometimes. But that's not quite so bad, and definitely not all the time. ;)
Okay with being single. Happy, even. But I miss the way the world starts so seem beautiful because of another person. And the feeling of love. Who wouldn't?
Things are changing. Nightmares continue to make me feel scared after I wake up. And anger doesn't dissolve as quickly as it used to. Turns the world upside down and churns it into a weird twisted mixture before it goes away. Natural for most people I suppose (cmonn, nightmares leave u scared, right?) but not me. . . Feels very very weird.
Thoughts
Random thoughts penned down a few weeks ago. . . :)
"We're all good, efficient and happy shiny people. We do not, however, always choose to be awesome and that's all that really stops us."
"The world is all about making some memories and loving some people."
"Numbness is not such a bad thing. Though it may appear to be."
"What people think of you matters, but not more than what u think of yourself despite their opinions and judgements."
"Being happy is a choice, and a good one at that! :) "
"You don't have to matter as much to people as they matter to you. It's their choice and not a condition you posed before starting to care so much."
"Good things come to an end. So do the bad ones. But life will go on and we adapt to live the best way that we can."
"Never think you are insufficient or afraid that you are powerful beyond your wildest dreams."
"It's ok to be who you are. Really."
"Sometimes we break rules we shouldnt. Sometimes we do this even if we know it's wrong. And sometimes we just let the world happen and the mistakes too. And that's ok. Not always, but often enough."
"All is well. And if it isn't, then it will be soon!"
"We're all good, efficient and happy shiny people. We do not, however, always choose to be awesome and that's all that really stops us."
"The world is all about making some memories and loving some people."
"Numbness is not such a bad thing. Though it may appear to be."
"What people think of you matters, but not more than what u think of yourself despite their opinions and judgements."
"Being happy is a choice, and a good one at that! :) "
"You don't have to matter as much to people as they matter to you. It's their choice and not a condition you posed before starting to care so much."
"Good things come to an end. So do the bad ones. But life will go on and we adapt to live the best way that we can."
"Never think you are insufficient or afraid that you are powerful beyond your wildest dreams."
"It's ok to be who you are. Really."
"Sometimes we break rules we shouldnt. Sometimes we do this even if we know it's wrong. And sometimes we just let the world happen and the mistakes too. And that's ok. Not always, but often enough."
"All is well. And if it isn't, then it will be soon!"
Bah. . . weird!
So, life is a bit complicated just now.
And full of things that I can't do much about, at least not now, and ones which I should do nothing about too.
So I'm chilling, blocking out the parts that cause too much topsy turviness in my otherwise placid/stagnant world. And occasionally in denial. Okay, quite often in denial.
I wonder. . . if u are really good at persuading yourself for anything, then does it mean that your convincing skills are good or that you're so gullible that you'll fall for whatever anyone says?? :S
Either way, seems like I'm wasting a lot in my life right now, and not doing the best I can. And the worst part is that this fact doesn't peturb me (told u I was in denial right? Perhaps a touch of insanity as well).
I'm doing some things better than I was, and messing up some totally.
And that's ok, right? Yeah. . it's ok.
Life is just so different now. . . I'm me. An individual. Nothing more, nothing less. And that feels just so weird!
Nothing really makes much sense anyway. One part of me accepts the truth and is completely okay with it, and one part is in complete denial and trying it's hardest to convince me otherwise. . .
Oh well, it's just a transitionary period and eventually life will start throwing more challenges again. :)
And full of things that I can't do much about, at least not now, and ones which I should do nothing about too.
So I'm chilling, blocking out the parts that cause too much topsy turviness in my otherwise placid/stagnant world. And occasionally in denial. Okay, quite often in denial.
I wonder. . . if u are really good at persuading yourself for anything, then does it mean that your convincing skills are good or that you're so gullible that you'll fall for whatever anyone says?? :S
Either way, seems like I'm wasting a lot in my life right now, and not doing the best I can. And the worst part is that this fact doesn't peturb me (told u I was in denial right? Perhaps a touch of insanity as well).
I'm doing some things better than I was, and messing up some totally.
And that's ok, right? Yeah. . it's ok.
Life is just so different now. . . I'm me. An individual. Nothing more, nothing less. And that feels just so weird!
Nothing really makes much sense anyway. One part of me accepts the truth and is completely okay with it, and one part is in complete denial and trying it's hardest to convince me otherwise. . .
Oh well, it's just a transitionary period and eventually life will start throwing more challenges again. :)
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