Indifferent, empty, cold. . . and some fear

So what is your greatest fear? Right here, right now. . ?

A heartbreak? Death? 2012? Spiders? The dark? Not being awesomely successful?

Or indifference? Because strangely, I realized that I'm not truly afraid of anything except becoming indifferent, cold and unfeeling. True, I'm not a people person, but I've never been indifferent to situations, people, and possible futures. And I think I may become that someday. And I don't think I like that.

I'm not indifferent, or cold, or unfeeling, or a block of ice. But sometimes I feel that I may be. And I may be freezing up even more inside. Everything shouldn't be so easy. Dealing with emotions must be more complicated than this! Either somewhere I'm sure about what I feel, or maybe I am just becoming more untouched by the intensity of emotions. I think it's the latter though.

I've always wanted to live life intensely, rather than blandly. But I'm just not that kind of a person, and everything goes by, and life goes on, and nothing lasts.

And there are people who hurt you deliberately over and over again, but you still hang on to them, coz that's the right thing to do. Even when you think of breaking off, a sign comes that tells you to hold on. And eventually, over the years, you turn cynical, untouched by even your own pain, and capable of dealing with whatever life deals out. Which is good because you're stronger than your circumstances, but bad because hardly anything creates a flurry of emotions or induces a part of your heart to clench.

I don't like the heart freezing over like this. I want that it should feel pain when there is pain, and love when there is love. I don't want this huge void and just a small part of the heart functioning.

Of course, it's good that the pain never hurts so much anymore, but unfortunately, the happiness and love doesn't reach either.

So that's my biggest fear. Not to be able to strike a balance. Not be able to overcome the emptiness that's taking over everything. Not being able to change this.

The ironic part? I realized this about 5 minutes after feeling intense anxiety about another individual.
Hah. . . life!