Fragmentation and Rejeuvenation!

Today is a day when I have come back to life. It's a new start and that's why I've finally decided to start writing once more.
Frankly speaking, it's been a few days since I had been feeling a very strong sense of unreality. I felt like I was living in some alternate reality and whatever was going on around me was just plain and simple NOT real! I was feeling everything, understanding everything, changing, and doing whatever I was supposed to, but at the same time, I knew I was somewhere else. Somewhere I should not be. Somewhere I could not come back from. Trust me when I say that it was an extremely freaky point in my life when I could not discern what was real and what was truly going on around me! I honestly thought I was going crazy or something. Everything seemed so fragmented and each one of those realities seemed just so vivid and real that it was impossible to know who I was and what was going on around me.
And yes, in this kind of a mental state I was worrying about a Project, about interns in town, about being a leader, about college mess-ups, about conferences, about parent problems and everything that would make me feel that life was 'normal' and that I was 'normal'.
Deep down inside, I knew I was not.
Strong sense of unreality, mingled with an automatic and mechanical method of pretending everything is just 'fine' was going to make me go crazy.
Every time I thought I needed to sit down and cry, I couldn't. No time? Yeah, perhaps I was to scared of facing up to myself as well. Times when I thought that all these fragments and energy would burst out of me. Times when I thought I'll go insane and die.
Yes, I'm a 19 year old writing this in complete control of all my senses. 19. . . doesn't seem all that old does it?
Dreams. . . nightmares. . . nightmares where rituals and sacrificial rites were happening. . . nightmares where places were blowing up.. and yet, I was keeping my loved ones safe. I was ensuring the safety of the ones I was responsible for. And yet, I felt like I was the reason that all that chaos was reigning upon the world. It was scary beyond imagination. Every time I closed my eyes, these incidents would re-surface. Past lives? Perhaps. I wouldn't be surprised. Kinda makes me feel much older that I actually am.
Mix all this with whatever I mentioned before. The unreality, the nightmares, the responsibility to keep everyone safe and yet feel you're the reason for the destruction. . . and the desperate attempts to clutch at reality and feel yourself falling even further. I have no idea how I survived. . . I'm not all that strong. Am I?
I don't know. I don't know who I am. I like the journey of searching for myself much more than the thought of actually having found myself. But yes, times like these freak me out. Totally!
Had a really intensive session with mom today. EFT, it's called. Emotional Freedom Technique. Alternative therapy. After an outpouring of all that I've just mentioned, I went into a much deeper state of consciousness. I know I did. I saw a landscape. The drawing of a landscape. No reality. . . nothing changing in the landscape. No sense of self or of anything. Then as we progressed deeper, everything went black. Pitch dark black. And I couldn't change it. The window I visualized was swallowed up in the darkness. Then slowly. . . very slowly. . green grass started to appear on the left side.. with those tiny flower type things. Still pretty much a drawing, but more perceptible. I was guided into doing cord cutting now. Visualized a dome with shadowy figures sitting across me. They seemed shaped like Buddhas or monks. Once the cord that connected me to all known an unknown people, negative and positive energies was cut and healed, I felt my soul flowing back into me. I felt connecting to those people with love and compassion. And I felt the light engulfing me and filling me up. My sense of self. . . my sense of reality and sanity was coming back.
Till this moment I had not realized how scared and wounded I had actually been feeling. Becoming whole, or at least being in the process to becoming whole, was truly overwhelming. The initial drawing came back, but now it was just a paper in my hand and the scenery stretched out before me. The ripples in the water, the wind in my hair, the blueness of the sky, the sheer reality and never-ending change of it all brought me back to myself. . . back to reality.
Opening my eyes, I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my life before. To be given back your sense of self, your sense of reality, your sense of completeness brings about a gratitude in your heart like nothing else ever can.

That is when I put my head on my mom's shoulder and finally cried.