Okay, I'm doubtful if I should even be writing this. . . a certain part of me doesn't want anyone to read it but a certain part of me is craving for everything to be 'written out'.
Feeling sort of ridiculous today, to say the very least! it's just one of those days when you 'suddenly' realize something so obvious and simple that you wanna smack yourself across the face and say 'What the hell were you thinking? Are you crazy or what?'. [yeah, I pretty much believe that everyone has such days. . . sometimes!].
So here's the scene. I do like someone. . . like as in like! However, it's not like we've known each other forever or even talk a zillion times a day. It's that liking-from-afar type of a thing [not my style usually, but what the heck! I'm human and still a teen!] and I do know very well that he likes someone else [I still feel I have a minor tendency to fall for people I know it aint gonna work out with. It's just so. . . safe!]
Yeah whatever, some people would tell me to go and talk to him or tell him what I feel or blah blah blah! I dunno, am just not that kind of a person I guess. Someone once told me 'I don't think you approached him in the right manner'. Hah! I almost died laughing! I haven't ever approached him in that way at all! Wasn't ever proactive in this thing for sure. ;)
I don't really know what I want. As a person, as a girl, a teen, an AIESECer, a VP, a daughter, a mentor, a sister! And I guess that I'm realizing that it's okay to not know everything after all! Perhaps it's because of this journey that I have not really tried to have a special someone in my life. Or perhaps it's just because the last time hurt too much in the end. Fear of getting hurt? Maybe. Fearing of loving someone unconditionally? Perhaps. Fear of being loved? Ahh... now that is something I really cannot answer.
Something inside me seems to have closed and I don't think that there is anyone I know who would put in that kind of effort or love to bring me back to love again. And no, it isn't all that tough for me to fall in love, not tough to care for someone deeply. It's trusting myself at time that's scary. I would love the person with all my heart and I know everything's gonna be okay, but there's something inside me that refuses to believe that someone is gonna love me as unconditionally as I would love them. Is that what's holding me back? Maybe. Possibly.
And no, I'm not in love with him. I just really. .. umm. . . like him. And it's only coz am holding myself back from liking him more than I do already! I don't think I wanna be in love. Simply coz there isn't anyone or any reason to make me want to. It isn't that I don't believe in love, I'm quite a staunch believer in it! Even when relationships do fall apart, I think it just means that the love was meant to engulf your life for only that particular period. Strangely enough. I'm okay with break-ups. It's just when it happens when you're at the best time in your relationship and things start falling apart wayyy too suddenly that it's a teeny weeny bit of a problem. I can cope with practically anything. Just that I don't feel the need to. Coz no one makes me feel that yes, I should be in love right now.
And you know what I realized today? That all these emotions (at least 60-70% of which I'm realizing now!) have been holding me back from a really good friendship that we may have shared. And that's the reason for my feeling so utterly ridiculous today. To have let something like friendship go coz of all these things is just plain. . . ummm. . . stupid! It is!!!
Gosh, I should stop writing now, it is a blog after all and not a lockable diary! ;)
Love is something that will remain forever. Coz it's all that's really real.
Meanwhile, I'm off to search for myself and await the person who will be able to love me back as well!
P.S. as I was looking for a pic for this post I read 'love is that 'sync-ing' feeling!' Makes sense no? ;)
P.S. 2 I'm feeling muchhh better after having written it out! And I really do not care if everyone reads this entry! Even him! ;)
P.S. 3 I do believe in love. I'm cool with being single. Love it at times, actually! It's just those moments when you feel alone that it's just. . . not nice. Like driving home late at night and listening to a soft love song and not really having anyone to think about.
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