The Girl Effect!

I liked it! Do check it out! :)

Relationships??

Sooo. . . why are people into relationships?

I mean, as I look around and see people living everyday in a dead relationship, I wonder if they get anything from it at all. Is it just a compromise? Are people together only because the external situations force them to? Or because they don't have the courage to put their foot down and put an end to it? Or do they honestly believe that there's still something that they can gain or change in the relationship and make it better?

I see people who are bound together in a relationship. Not because they want to, but because they have to! Like, really, shouldn't love be the ONLY reason that two people are together? Shouldn't they need and desire each other simply because of the love? Should they try to be together for any other reason except love? If that's so, then why are they even in a relationship? I think it's more like a compromise then. I mean, why have relationships transmuted into such superficial things. Where is the love and where is the life? Life should become more vibrant with that special someone, but if it starts to take you away from who you are, and make every living day a misery, then it just isn't worth it!

Once a relationship dies, when the love ceases to exist, then why do people try to hold it together? Especially when they know that they're better off on their own? And I'm not talking about temporary ups and downs, I'm talking about things that cause permanent damage! That permanently scar the relationship and make both the people suffer! Why, or rather how could people do this?

Sometimes, when I see the way these people live and try to cope up, I'm happy that I'm not in a relationship. But then, I think again and realize that I would probably be very different from what they are in it. I wouldn't be someone who would smother the other person, or who would quietly sit and let the other person walk all over me. I'm not the kind who would cheat on someone or stand it if the other person cheated on me either. In all honestly, all I would really want from the ideal relationship is love and honesty. And that's a pretty tall order no? Coz it involves everything a person could want! But what the heck, I'm pretty happy being single! Esp when I look at these people! The unwavering trust I always had seems to waver these days!

So yeah, I'm still wondering why and how people stay in a relationship from which the love has gone!

Life is wonderful!

I think this is one of the very few songs that really make me happy and smile each time. . It makes me believe even when I feel sad and despair.
It's the song that makes me believe and hope that yes, life is wonderful!

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a storey
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying. . .

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to HAVE it polished

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la

It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to MAKE a mountain

Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful

Hope? Despair?

Hope?
Are we supposed to live in hope or realize that there's no point in hoping anymore and should just come to terms with despair in life?

What does one do when one is forced to accept an unacceptable situation that they reallyyyy cannot change! Despite their efforts and changes in mindsets, if nothing works, then what does one do? What does one do if it breaks their heart to see the situation get worse each day?

How does one accept the unacceptable and still say that life is wonderful and believe it?! How can a person go through each day with misery and helplessness, knowing they can't do much about it anyway? What if they can't change their mindsets about it either? What does a person do when they don't have the strength to hope anymore? When hope seems to have been extinguished like a candle. . .

Is a person still supposed to hope in a hopeless situation or should they lay down all defenses and come to terms with the despair that permeates their life? I could hope, I know I can. But I wonder if I still should. Is it worth hoping once more for something I know I can't do anything about? Something that I can't really live with, but haven't ever been able to change? Should I hope for something that has never even borne the slightest result till now? Should I hope for life being 'perfect'? Coz that's the only problem that I'm facing that disturbs me. Any other issue is a part of life and I can live with. Any other problem is a challenge and makes life more wonderful and perfect with the experiences. . . But THIS? What do I do about this? I can't change it. I can't accept it. I can hope. . but should I? Dare I hope once again or should I just sit dispassionately and let life run it's course while I continue to do whatever I can without letting it affect me? Coz I know I won't stop doing whatever I can to make it work, but I also know that it's going to hurt if it doesn't work. Should I be dispassionate about it and not let it affect me, or should I still hope? Most of the actions would remain the same, it's the state of mind that I can't seem to be able to decide upon.

Does a person continue to hope in such a scenario? Or should I shut out that part of my heart, never to let anyone get close enough to know about it ever again? Keep it buried so deep that the hope dies and I can live with quiet surrender to it all. . ?

I'm such an emotional, sentimental fool sometimes! :S

Searching for a relationship with love.

Feeling like a star-struck, idealistic kid in love!

Thinking of 'interesting perspectives' on love, life and some people [yeah, those quotation marks aren't for everyone to understand, just 1 person!]

I know my heart's full of love, I just don't know if I am in love! The feeling is simple, very simple, it's just that the situation isn't.

Everything feels very idealistic sometimes, perhaps I am idealistic sometimes. But randomness seems to be the only thing ideal in life too.

It seems like everything has a meaning hidden from me. Every look, every second that a gaze lasts longer than it should, every nuance, every touch seems to mean more than it probably should. Probably I'm over-analyzing. And yeah, tonight is the night I decide to give up. Nope, I'm not a quitter, I just know when it's time to let go. At least, I believe it's time. Hadn't even thought of giving up till I wrote it down. Perhaps it's a sign that I should.

Holding on to something that doesn't exist stops something that does exist from manifesting! When you surrender something, you automatically gain something, even though you may not see it then.

Right now, it seems like everyone around me is in love, or at least has a special someone, or at least a person they can say that they're in love with. Me? Well. . . perhaps it's time for a journey with myself. To discover what my relationship with love is. Nah, not to find out what love is. . that's not something that a person has to find out! Love just is, and it's just felt.
The journey maybe, or just get time off to do other things that I've thought of doing for a long time! Like studying [hah!], reading, doing up my room and a zillion other things!
It's time to let go, coz by holding on, I'm stopping the energy flow.

Especially since where I'm trying to hold on is already in love with 'someone else'. Gosh, those dreaded words. . sigh. . . [note: melodrama!].

So yeah, now I've got a warm, fuzzy feeling within me that's a bit love-ish and rather happy-ish. But it's also a sad one. Umm. . . teary at least! ;)

Perhaps I should try to be a cynic towards love for a while. Maybe one needs to be a cynic sometimes to be able to appreciate something. Perhaps I will. . . and it doesn't mean that won't believe in love! Can't live like that. ;)

It's sort of weird to feel cynical and love-ish at the same time though. . . It feels like I'm looking at a mystical world through rose tinted glasses and know that I don't belong there. And somehow, somewhere in my heart, I know that what I'm seeing is not what love actually is. Love doesn't have to be a different world, it becomes everything that's already there in yours. It doesn't need rose tinted glasses to look beautiful, it already is beautiful! Love never has to be anything, it just is!

Gonna live the simplest feeling in my life. . . and gonna give love a chance to happen once more in my life.

It takes no time at all to fall in love, and it takes years for someone to know what love is!

Politicians? Blaah. . . people!

Why on earth do people blame the politicians and the system for making India the way it is now? For the Mumbai siege?! If they were sooo concerned, why didn't they vote for the right person? And if they thought there wasn't any right person, then why didn't they stand up?!

I mean come onnnn! Most of the people who are pointing fingers at the politicians aren't even fulfilling their duties as citizens and living a non-corrupt and proactive life! If they make huge mistakes, it won't affect the whole country, but if a politician messes up, it will! They have to maintain a zillion contacts and think of the country as a whole. . . and if people think that there aren't any non-corrupt people to choose from, then they should transform the country! Before saying that they're the ones responsible, I think people should look inwards and see whether they have done anything to change it!

Why do people realize all this only in times of crisis? Why don't they say anything when elections take place? Why does India 'unite' when threatened? Why doesn't it always stay like that?!

Also, how could people blame Pakistan like that?! It's terrible to accuse a whole nation for it. I'm sure the govt didn't order the siege and that the common people didn't vote on it! If there's a small group that's from another country (say) and attacks another nation, how could you possible blame the whole of their nation?! They're just a fraction of that nation's representatives. I've personally met people from Pak and they've been delightful and religiously very tolerant and culturally sensitive! It's terrible to see statements like 'ab kahan bach ke jayega Pakistan?' being shouted and people condemning an entire nation! An entire nation where the common person is no different than ours. Where there may be terrorism as well!

It's sad to see that people gather up the courage to question the politicians and not have a very good track record themselves! It's sad to see that they haven't done much to make it a better place either. . just been too busy making their own lives. If the country needs to change, WE need to change it. Politicians aren't our parents who come and ask us what we did each day. . .
It's us who need to grow up and accept and learn to celebrate diversity rather than condemn it. It's us who need to grow up and look around. . it's us who need to clean up the system and make the country a better place to live in!

-

Negative!

World AIDS Day!

Had an awesome day today! It's World AIDS Day, and DT-X had an event - Red Ribbon Freedom in the morning, and a candlelight vigil - Red Ribbon Light in the evening. Ooo. . and I was a compeer in the morning! :P Haven't ever spoken onstage as such, so it was quite an interesting experience. Especially since I did not get nervous despite so many people! :)

Evening was candle light vigil, human chain, and HIV testing. It was a lil freaky to get tested for HIV. . I guess it's the nervousness each person who gets tested would go through. After all, there's no symptom that would tell me if I have HIV, or if some incident had caused it! It wasn't the needle that scared me, it wasn't the little amount of blood; it was the fact that no1 on this earth can say for sure that they are HIV negative! And I think it's something that everyone should do. Get tested for HIV so that they know what kind of thoughts go through a person's mind. So that they know they are equally vulnerable. So that they don't discriminate a person who is living with HIV. The result comes tomorrow. I'm positive that it'll be negative. But it's a wait that brings a lot of thoughts to the mind. A lot of what-ifs. And more than the virus, I think it's the society and stigma that would make a person feel afraid of it. And the precise reason they wouldn't want to interact with an HIV + person, with the fear that they may get it and live a similar life as well. So here I am, waiting. . . Result comes tomorrow, and till then I think how a person living with HIV would feel. . . what it would be like and what this one test could mean for so many people. . . .

Well well well. . seeing an interesting side of myself. It's like nothing can make me feel upset or sad right now! I mean, yeah, there are sad things that are somewhere at the back of my mind, but there are other really happy things which are more upfront!
Everything in the world seems possible and do-able! Like, it may not be the right thing to do, or the right time to do it, or I may simply not wanna do it, but it isn't impossible! Nothing is!
Feeling highly inspired right now to go ahead and do the impossible. . and something tells me that this feeling is here to stay. . . for a long long longgg time! :)

Cold. . . !

It's a damnnn cold night! Or maybe it's just me that's feeling it more. Should probably shift my bed away from the window!

Almost feel like cursing the cold right now, shivering in the cold! I said 'almost' coz I still love winters! Hot lemon tea [black!], curling up in bed at night [well, anytime actually!], long walks in the winter sunshine, lunch in the garden, flowers blooming, holding hands [well, if there's a special someone! ;) ], bunny slippers, oranges, wearing bright colors, fogged up car windows, etc etc!

But right now, I'm still sorta freezing. . . ;) Don't know if it's the weather or something else!

Mixed up. . . now flowing!

Tonight I am feeling a whirlpool of mixed emotions. I feel like a romantic, well, I guess I am one at heart! A part of me feels like it is in a dreamworld, surrounded by beauty and poetry. But a part of me is facing a reality that passes by in each humans life and breaks the heart of every single person who falls into unrequited love. And despite these surreal worlds of mine, I feel like the practical no-nonsense part of me stand up and want to know what's going on in the world. Connecting to people, feeling simple emotions like friendship and giving into life's [read: reality] charm.

There is someone in this world who is going to be the one I love and who would love me for who I am. Sometimes I wonder what he's doing right now. . . partying? studying? sleeping? breaking his heart over another girl? or caught in the indecision of what he feels for me? I don't even know if that 'special someone' is in my life right now, and to be entirely honest, I don't even know if I do completely believe that 'someone' exists! I mean, yeah it's possible that there's someone. . . but it's also possible that there isn't! Feeling like I'm drowning in my thoughts . . . . accepting what I usually would not, believing what I usually would not. And all this in my complete senses! Something inside me feels despair, something inside me feels like just giving up. And I think that 'something' is going to win this battle. Coz that part of me is scared of fighting battles, or perhaps just tired of even trying anymore.

I don't know what this feeling is, and nor am I going to try to analyze it. To take apart this feeling bit by bit and weigh the pros and cons, think of the whys and why nots, seems like sacrilege to the feeling I am feeling now. I think I'll just feel it. . and wait for it to bide its time and die. Yes, die IS the appropriate word. And actually, I don't think it'll be so bad! Life's going to move on, and I'm gonna stay alive, with a zillion things to distract me! Yes yes, I know I'm trying to convince myself more than you! ;) There would be a certain feeling of emptiness, I'm sure. But I'll live through it right? Who said life has to be easy all throughout!

And yeah, something inside me seems to reassure me that everything's going to be all right. That life's going to move on, new things are going to come my way, and I would discover other emotions, and other fears as well. Time is a great healer, if you give it enough time! ;) Sometimes I think I'm too positive as a person! Like, no matter how bad a situation gets, there's always a ray of happiness. And hope. It's good to be positive about life, but perhaps I'm a mite too much sometimes! Life still seems good, and pretty livable! With a lot of things to look forward to! And yes, this is despite that feeling of acceptance [read: sadness] that I'm having right now.

There was this saying I heard once:
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

I think I can manage the first two pretty well, it's the third that I'm having problems with right now! ;)

I seem to have made my decision. Which is to let go. Because holding on won't help. Perhaps I am trying to consciously take a decision which I do not believe in. What I do believe is that it is a time to go with the flow and see where life leads me. Undercurrents pulling me in opposite directions, but eventually, one will triumph!

I feel the power to do exactly what I want with my life, and I know that whatever I dream will come true. And that power seems a bit too much to handle sometimes. Wondering if I should make an extra effort. . . probably not now.

Decisions . . .

Been thinking about the art of decision making. . . . haven't always been the best at it, but have improved greatly during the past year. Interesting thought struck me today, which I knew of before as well, but had more of a. . . uhmm. . . practical experience with it this time. NOT taking a decision is a decision in itself. Even though it is taken sub-consciously and it's not always the best decision, you do decide to not make a decision about anything at that particular moment! And because of this decision, sometimes you wait so long, that it gets too late to take any sort of decision at all, and all you're left with is thoughts which you contemplate about and have no power to change then.
However, if you DO take a decision, there's always a chance that it may be wrong, or may come back to haunt you for the rest of your life. So is going with the flow, and letting life decide what's right, the correct way to tackle situations or should you take a risk by taking a decision that may be wrong and you may regret later on? In fact, it also depends upon what the situation is and why there could be regret in the first place. I don't believe too much in regrets though. Learning from mistakes, sure! But holding on to the past and regretting something to the extent that it affects my present is not something I could do!
Sounds like I'm the kind of a person who goes with the flow right? Well, usually yes! But I also can't stand back and not decide where my life is supposed to go. Drifting through life is painful. It feels like you're asleep and have no idea about what is going on in your life! And controlling everything doesn't work for me either. It's a delicate balance that a person needs to maintain. And no, I'm not saying that I've achieved that state of balance because I have NOT! But I do know that it needs to be there. And I never knew that there is actually a time when it's 'too late' to do something about a situation, but yes, there are times! An appropriate decision needs to be taken, and taken on time! And even if that decision is to not take a decision, it's okay!
Oh, and it's actually OKAY if you do take a wrong decision at times! It's better that not taking any decision and thinking all your life about 'what if's'!

Strong yet vulnerable

My mom always used to say 'nobody can hurt you unless you let them'. And my dad always said 'if you're scared of doing something, then do it while being afraid, but do it!'.
These two statements have made most of who I am today. . and the fact that I don't believe in holding onto regrets.
I think there is a part of me doesn't give anyone the power to hurt me. And though in a way it makes me strong, sometimes I feel vulnerable knowing that one single person can hurt me beyond measure, even if that someone is me! I can get frustrated/bugged/disappointed/irritated with people, but not hurt by them. Just as a person can't choose if a negative things happens in his/her life, but can choose whether they want to keep suffering for it.
There is a part of me that keeps me detached from the world and away from the hurt. . . well, that's what is usually seems like!
It's interesting, knowing that nobody can hurt me. . . but also makes me feel like it's too easy for me to hurt myself. . . coz people do that, a lot, in life!
Somehow I feel strong and in control of my life and situations around me, and yet, something makes me feel like I'm an open book and as vulnerable as a child!
I guess I have a shell around me that protects me but at heart, I'm a total softy! ;)

Being a bitch! ;)

One of my friends sent this. . . and I love it! :)

When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch.

When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch.

Being a bitch
means I won't compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life
MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me..

When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a
bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when
I act a little selfish.


It means I have the courage and strength to allow
myself to be who I truly am and won't become
anyone else's idea of what they think I
'should' be.

I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined. I want what I want
and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame, try to squash
every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.
I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.

Possible! Let's do it!

Conflicting emotions. . . however, the positive side seems to be more 'out there' right now! Going to do whatever it takes to achieve those matches and realizations this year and give some to next year as well! Somehow, it never seemed as important as it is seeming to me right now. Everything I do seems to make me want to achieve those targets. And not just numbers, experiences! And good ones! Almost everything seems to have taken a backseat! Rather, because I'm focusing on this much more, I seem to be able to do other things better as well! Like knowing that I have exams in December, and at least trying to get up early! 325% Growth isn't a joke. . . It's serious stuff and we're going to do it! Internationally, they say 100%, but we're going to do 325 % in Q4 and achieve the targets that we set out at AGM. And yet, I can't forget that I'm still a college student and that I need to give exams in December, listen to my mom-dad, eat better stuff. . . and other stuff you would expect from a 19 year old. And I know I can do it! Just that I haven't before, but I know I can do it very easily! :)
Everything seems possible, even the tough stuff! :) In fact, especially the tough stuff! :)

The 'other'!

Okay. . . so today is the day! 

Today is the day that I'm going to remove that 'other' from my life [if you don't know what I'm talking about, read the book 'By the river Piedra, I sat down and wept'].

Anything that's ever caused me to have negative or sad thoughts is gonna go away. And everything's gonna be possible! 

Everything that I want to be, IS possible! And will be so! So now that 'darker side' is gonna be gone. Sometimes I wonder what's going to be left after that. . I think that is going to be who I truly am! I wonder why we even let that 'other' into our lives anyway!

Also, about love. . . Well, it's okay to not be in love. . . and okay to not even reallyyyy like someone in that special way. Coz that's the way I'm planning to be from now on! Simplifying everything. Trying to anyway! One step at a time is gonna make much more sense!

Also, if I'm thinking of 100% growth, it should happen with a set process. ..  of self and learning as well! :) Growing 100%. . . everything! 

Making space in my life to make sure that I'm there as well! :)

Chandigarh Freeze!

Whao! Like, seriously!

Imagine being in the centre of a shopping plaza, and just freezing in place! 70-ish people I think. And we just FROZE! A paper bag in everyone's hand, saying paper bags are COOL! and frozen for a couple of minutes! It was sooo cool!  :D

So yeah, there I was walking with someone, unsure of the exact moment to freeze, and suddenly see these people freezing into place. And in mid-step, I froze! Suchhh an obvious pose! ;)

People loved it though! We gave out almost all the bags, though they were damm nice! And the media nl were there. . . and everyone so totally loved it! We definitely wanna do it again. It was so much fun! :)

Happy to achieve!

Hehe hehe. . . . feeling just sooo happy-ish! :) Life seems good, everything seems possible! Not easy, but definitely possible! And I love it! Knocked out of the reverie that I seemed to have got stuck in. Now it's time to just go out there and do it! :) Targets will be achieved, the organization will grow, 100%!
Feeling very positive about life in general as well. But especially about AIESEC. Knowing that it has the kind of value it does in my life doesn't leave any doubt about the future! Whether it's another leadership position, or exchange, or even as an alumnus, I know that it's something that will stay with me forever! It feels like it's in my blood now! :)
Have the faith that AIESEC is over and above anything that's happened in my life and also have the faith that even though I've given more to it than anything else in life, it's gonna give me back more than anything else ever has!
In fact, until I think about it, I don't even notice the kind of security I feel while being in the organization. With the freedom to be who I want, knowing that people are guiding me along, having friends, learning, working and having fun, knowing it's leading you to an amazing future. . . everything! :) So yeah, feeling pretty happy with everything!
Visualizing December 31. . . talk about mixed feelings! Having given a year of my life and achieved a lot. . . and still, the end of my EB term! But hey, that's not what I'm going to think about just yet! There are still 1 and half months left! A person can live their life in that much time! :)
Right now, loving each moment, and wanting to push away all mindsets and go crazy to achieve what I have to! :)

HIV/AIDS

A lot going on!
Had a workshop on HIV/AIDS by SCB yesterday. Pretty awesome actually!
Interesting perspectives. It was amazing to see the way people open up and ask things that they would usually be too conscious to even think about!
For example, I've always wondered how sharing of injection needles would cause HIV to spread. I mean, the virus dies if left in the air for more than 10 seconds right? But yesterday explained all that and much more. It was a time when we all felt comfortable about talking about it. And realized that there is a lot more that we should know! The best was that not for a single moment was it a session that was boring or lecture-ish! I mean, to establish a connect to the people you're talking to and to make them comfortable and yet serious enough to want to attend that workshop is something that I really dream of doing someday! I mean, it's a part of the process of always wanting and working towards being better! :)
It was amazing how people actually started thinking about HIV and really wanted to make a difference.
Motivating? Yes! It was a session not only for knowledge, but also to build the fire inside that wants to go ahead and make a difference! It was a session where you would know that there are certain things that you should do. .
And yes, I am planning to go for an HIV test soon! I want to know what it's like. .. sitting there and waiting! Wondering. . . and to think of all the people living with HIV.

Being me again. .

Sooo. . . Here I am, sitting by the window at 1:30 a.m. and looking into the dark. Music wafting up from my brother's room downstairs. . . I like it. Coming to terms with a few things in my life. And changing some others. Tweaking some parts and pruning others. Through with wondering 'why' for now, it's time to just go ahead and do what I have to! Time to do what I'm here for. The fire was in danger coz it started to rain. . . but a spark is left and it's starting to burn once more. All the unnecessary material washed away by the rain and now it's going to be a pure, clean fire within me. I'm feeling so many things right now! I know I'm not perfect [well, who is?!] but I know I'm becoming better. . . and better of myself with each passing day! I guess there is something about life after all that people love. . . and choose to live it! :)
Everything seems to be so calm. . . and yet, dynamic and hurried! Something seems to have been washed away. . . something that shouldn't have been there anyway!
So here I am, being me. Listening to music coming from downstairs. Feeling the chill in the midnight air. Looking at the empty roads and thinking about the days to come, the things to do!

Thinking about relationships. . .

It's almost 2 a.m. now.
Today was Karwa Chauth. . . Needless to say I kept the fast. And needless to say that mom wasn't cool with it! So yeah, 24 hours of no food or water [didn't eat Sargi in the morning] for the long life of a man that I have probably not even met yet!
There is a part of me that is whimsical, dreamy and starry-eyed. It's this part that makes up my essence but it also makes life unsafe at times because reality seems to escape away sometimes! Anyway, today was yet another day of trying to think of the more normal things that I should be focusing on rather than just being spaced out. I think I'll go to the lake tomorrow morning. Need to get time off alone! In fact, it's time alone with yourself when you learn the most about who you are and what you want from life! It's something I have been thinking of but haven't given to myself. So tomorrow, at least 1 hour is dedicated to me! :) After all, I am the only one in my life who will undoubtedly stick along with me all my life!
People have asked me so many times who I've kept the fast for. . . Well, I think it wasn't for anyone actually! No guy in my life is special enough at this point of time that I would pray for his life and fast for him. I don't think I'm that deeply in love with anyone actually. Anyway, that brings me to another thing that I've been thinking about today! Is distance more important in relationships or closeness? If you can't give another human enough space to live their life the way they want, you're trying to suffocate them. And yet, if you are too far off, you're leaving them alone to fend for themselves!
I think that a balance needs to be maintained, but especially the distance! If the distance decreases, it would bring the two closer anyway! And it would give enough space to that person t breathe at least! I also believe that it's necessary to keep a certain amount of distance from people. Especially people you like in that way and even then, specially when they like someone else! Not just because you may feel like you're coming on too strong to them, but also because you have no right to throw another person's life into turmoil with your love. Because practically speaking, that happens! Oh and disclaimer: everything that I say here doesn't have to apply to me! Most of these are just thoughts and perceptions.
Relationships are complicated, or is it just that we make them so?
We feel guilt for so many things. . . personal and professional. . and of things that are a mix of both. Each day, each hour, each minute, each second is an opportunity. And each time you waste it, you regret it. And in all these years of life, sooo many opportunities come and sometimes, you take a decision that you're not sure of. No, it isn't wrong, just unsure. And eventually you may feel guilty. Not because of whatever happened, but because it may have affected the other person's life in a profound way. In fact, I saw this movie once where this guy left 2 girls mid-way in a relationship. And only because he was at a particular point in his life. What he did could be forgiven, but the manner couldn't. And it affected their whole lives! I think we do it too. everything that we say, or don't say; do or don't do, affects someone else. And no I don't mean that this happens every time in life! It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be spontaneous. Au contraire. . . spontaneity is an essential spice in life! Sometimes, acting before thinking is required as well. Sometimes, things happen directly from the heart. And the more you think before it.. . during it. . . after it; the more turmoil shall invade your mind!
I know, I may sound a bit random, but I'm not! Or maybe I am. .. but I like it!
Listening to soft hindi songs. . seem to have an old-worldly charm to them. But it's just making me feel senti!
Anyway, lost the thought flow after a certain group chat now. . so time to sleep. . and think some more.

Back to the basics!

Well well well. . . a lot has been happening and I haven't been writing!
Feeling a bit unsure and insecure of myself right now. There have been situations that make me feel this way and reactions which prove it. Overcoming it seems to be the biggest obstacle right now. I'm going back to the basics of life these days because somehow, I feel that I started off on the wrong foot. I need to start from A B C if I want to learn to write properly. I need to go back to what love should feel like, what responsibility and work should feel like, what thinking should be like and what behavior should be like. How life should be led in the least complicated way. Because, I now realize, after 19+ years of my life that somehow I started off wrong and have been searching for the wrong things and people all my life! Complicating everything and thinking repetitive thoughts that won't lead anywhere! Now how do I unlearn everything I learnt in 19 years? Umm .. . still working on that actually! But I know one thing: if you go down to the basics, the real, good ol' basics, there's gonna be no problem at all and in fact, you would achieve more than if you would keep trying to innovate on an idea whose base you don't have!
So yeah, I've decided on what I want as my relationship basics: Love from both sides and honesty. Seems like a tall order? Well, it hasn't got the longggg list of things most people desire! And yet, even though it's a simple, straightforward way to go about things, people and situations complicate it! Just when you think that nothing's going to happen, it does! Just when you feel like it's the end, it's actually time for a new beginning!
I'm scared sometimes. Apprehensive, to be politically correct. But not of others. Not of situations. Not of any external factors. Just of myself. Because I'm the one who's going to influence and impact my life all life long! And unless I get the way of living right, there's gonna be a lot of unwanted thoughts in my mind on the day I die!
It's weird sometimes, how I feel afraid of myself. I suppose it's because I've given myself all the power over myself. People [wise ones, if I may add!] say that you shouldn't give others the power to hurt you. Shouldn't give others the power to run your life. Practically possible? Yes! Coz that's the way I live. I choose when to get hurt and when to be affected. And I don't think I always make the best of choices. Yes, I do get motivated and demotivated by lots of things, but at the end of it all, I know that I feel the way I do because of my own choices! Choices. . . they say that it's your choices that make you unique. . . and that you always have a choice. But shouldn't there be a way to by which we can choose a choice? It isn't all that simple to just weigh the pros and cons. Nor is it that simple to just follow your heart [okay, sometimes it is! But only in matters of the heart.]. I'm at a crossroad in my life where I am choosing to walk backward and take a U-turn rather than go forward. Because I can see very clearly that until I know what I've been doing not-in-the-best-possible-manner, and why it's been that way, there isn't any point to go forward right? And somehow, I feel that as I walk backwards, I'm moving forward as well and reaching a different plane of consciousness. There are situations where I'm extremely unsure of what to do. Especially in my personal life. . . especially when it comes to love. Love - a feeling that leaves everyone flummoxed at some point of time or the other. And it's in this unsure tornado that I decide to go forward into yet another storm to find my center of peace. Sometimes, actions before thoughts aren't so bad. Sometimes, going with the flow and just being spontaneous and in the moment is what is best! Sometimes, accepting the other person exactly the way they are is what matters! And no, I don't just mean this in the matter of love. Accepting people needs to happen in every sphere of life. Family, friends, colleagues, team, leaders, mentors everyone! However, don't take this to mean that you bow down and take whatever anyone says to you, no matter what!
I feel like I'm at a point where I'm not questioning anyone about anything! I'm questioning myself and being questioned by others. Perhaps they don't realize it, but it's happening. It's a time to search in the past. It's a time to see which step went wrong that put me on the right path with the wrong way.
Thinking about love. Thinking about change. Thinking about the way forward. Thinking about December. And about the next year. Imagine determination: strong, iron-willed determination. Now coat that with a bit of fear and a bit of I-want-to-know-who-I-am type of feeling. Yeah, so that's the scene as of now! It's 3 a.m. and in 1 hour mom's going to wake up to eat sargi. I guess I will too. Won't be eating anything for the rest of the day. Karwa Chauth. No, not for my boyfriend or whatever. Just. . . want to keep it.
I'm moving away from doing things just for the sake of it. I'm doing things because I want to and because I see a reason to. They're mostly the same things. . . just being lived in a different way.
I also like my little random diary where I can pen random thoughts. . . reallyyy random thoughts!
Right now. . just thinking. You know. . . those type of situations that happen once but you keep thinking about them a zillion times for no apparent reason? Yeah. . . thinking about one such situation. And wishing I could just sleep right now. But I can't! For no reason as such. . . I should write more often! Helps me think and actually make sense to myself more!
Anyway, cheers to life and to being on a track that's gonna put everything in place!

P.S. I love you!

So much to say, so much to do! So much to think about, so much to learn! So much to impart, so much to see!

Phew, not been able to write for so many days. . . Too many things going on in the mind!
A new team, exam next week, so much to do in the portfolio, conferences, scene at home. . . changing - or rather developing and evolving - as a person. . . soooo many things!

Right now, however, I'm just feeling 1 responsibility exceptionally strongly. Of being a daughter. It's daughter's day and despite any differences that have been there in the past few days [happens in every family!], my mom and dad just gave me a scroll and a card that says that they love me and that I'm the best! So therefore, technically speaking, I'm highly emotional and sentimental right now! ;) It's what relationships are built of right? That no matter what differences crop up, no matter how insensitive the other person (or maybe you, yourself!) seems, no matter if there is a fight .. . to know that the other person still loves you is a feeling that surpasses any other! Compromises need to be made eventually as well. . . and people need to realize that neither can they go ahead and do exactly what they want without caring about the other person, nor can they place too many restrictions on a person!

Yeah, I know. . . it's becoming a sort-of love-ish entry again! ;) I guess someone rightly told me that I have an 'ever flowing love quotient'! ;)
So here I am, thinking about the past 1-2 weeks. .. . thinking about what it means to be a family. . . thinking about how I'm still loved so much!

And yet. . . feeling like I'm growing up all too suddenly! Taking responsibility for what I do and consequences after messing up something. . . balancing different aspects in life. . . controlling my temper. . . and coping alone with what I feel. Coz someday, it's possible that there would not be anyone I can turn to and nobody who come to me and give me a hug when I cry. . .

But today, despite everything, I feel loved. Loved by family. friends, people I work with. And yeah, I'm dammmmm senti right now! ;) Wish I could tell everyone how important they are in my life and that if it wasn't for them, it would be hard to go through each day! There are so many people who support me each day and save me from falling! So many people who just have a solid presence next to me and make everything okay! :) I wish I could go to all these people and tell them how much I care! And tell the people who I may not even notice on a day-to-day basis but who are vital to the way each day shapes up for me!

It's no-one's responsibility to keep others happy, but they still do whatever they can for it! And I want to go and hug all those people who go out of their own personal space everyday to make sure that I'm happy and on the right track in my life!

It feels like I have the world in the palm of my hand. . . or, well. . . all the love in the world, anyway! :)

Everything's changing! Or. . . well . .. it's about to!

Everything's changinggg!
Feeling hysterically giggly and depressingly woeful right now!
I'm gonna change everything. . everything!
My room, my thoughts, my way of working, my academic scene, my targets vs. achieved. . . EVERYTHING!
And I'm NOT gonna give up any dream of mine for another! I'm just gonna go ahead and do it!
I am gonna go for exchange summit, no matter what!
I am gonna go well in my exam, no matter what!
I am gonna achieve all my targets, an then some.. . no matter what!
I am gonna do whatever I can to make my member's experiences better, no matter what it takes!
I am gonna make sure my scene with my family gets better, it's a priority, no matter what!
So yeah, these are just a few of the things that I want to achieve by the end of this year . ..
It's time to step up and change the way things have been.. . coz they haven't been done in the best possible way.
So yeah, even though the world seems to be a bit cold right now (or is that just coz of the fever?) I can see sunlight. .. or feel that it exists somewhere and it's coming! :D
I feel like I'm freed from desire and am inspired to achieve. . everything! Even if it takes 24 hours of wakefulness each day! Uhh. . . no, woh ho nahi payega. . overwork decreases efficiency na! ;) ;)
So yeah, here I am. . . changing everything. Coz that's what I need to do. And because of that, certain decisions seem to have gone on hold as well!
Oh well, life's like that sometimes! You know you're gonna do it coz you can, should, must, have to do it!
A certain something seems solid and strong as a rock seems to protect me from the world right now. . and a certain something makes me feel more vulnerable than I ever have been before!
I feel so small in this world, yet I feel I can change so much!

Something inside me wants this change. . . yet something is terrified to go through with it!

Oh well.. . . like they say. . ‘do one thing everyday that scares you’. I guess it’s time to go beyond that ‘one thing’.

Chase the sun!

Gonna keep goin' on! No matter what may happen!
The picture says more than words could anyway!

Chase the sun!

Lyrics of one of the few songs that can make me feel amazing

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Net not working! :(

Damn! I hate not being able to write here everyday! :( Net not working at home!
So much has been happening. . . new recs are back from NLDS [amazinggg lot! will write more later!], office is looking damn cool! And exams are going on. . . :( And exam on the first of October now. And have to go for the eXchange summit to Alibagh [need to talk to mom n dad!] and Delhi sometime as well to meet up people! And. . . arghhh! Sooo many things! Will just write it all out once the net starts working! :P
Till then, it's lots to do and lots to think about!
Am loving each and every moment of my life right now!

Another step in my journey. . . Redefining myself and my relationship with love.

Hmm.... wellll, today did turn out to be an interesting day after all! Didn't think that anything else that happened today would merit a mention in the blog after having already written an entry today but. . . I guess I was proved wrong!

How much of it should I write? ummm. . . just enough for me to have 'written it out' and not enough for you to deduce exactly what happened! Besides, I just realized that my blog may freak out most of you who are quite reserved about what they feel and don't like to talk about it [hey, hang on, I do that too!] and to see someone writing everything out and laying it out as the bare truth they can't see usually, would, I admit, be mildly freaky! Yeah, it is a little explicit about what I think and about things that people may not agree to. Yeah, it is overly frank and honest. Yeah, it's wayyyy more talkative than I am in person! ;) [obvv, I'm the only one writing here! mwahahaha (evil laugh: totally without reason!)] 

Well, anyway, back to the point. Here I am, at a very strange point of time in my life. 'Trying to' just 'get over it' now. And probably will too! Soon enough! More than the actual conversation I just had, it's memories of others that I'm thinking back to as I'm going back to my life. I remember a certain friend telling me 'you can get any guy you're really crazy about!' [ironically, I had a crush on this guy before!] And I remember another friend from my EB telling me 'I can't even begin to tell you how strong you are as a person. Dunno how I would have dealt with all that you have in life' And I remember another friend saying 'Chill, he wasn't worth the hurt anyway!' and I remember a friend just listening to me while I kept talking and talking and talking. It's ironic how I'm so spontaneous sometimes and so held back at others. What I think about love? Well, like always, I still believe it's the only real thing in the world! What do I think about the lovey dovey type of love? Ummm, works for sure, a bit tough sometimes, not understood by most people, too little in the world, and taken as a tragedy by people when it doesn't work out! Seriously, does is matter all that much if they love you back in the same amount or way that you love them? Did you set all these conditions before loving them? Well, in that case, it's ridiculous to call it love! Call if affection, passion, crush, infatuation or whatever, but don't call it love! I don't profess to be in love right now, nor do I claim that this kind of unconditional love lasts forever. I'm just saying that this is what I believe! And I believe it to be true! Love does not have to be forever. No, wait, Love is forever, but it's not the same kinda love and not necessarily the same person! Hehe, I like the way I think sometimes! Love is just energy, and that can be transformed! And it's limitless! 

Sometimes, it isn't all that bad being single. It's quite cool in fact! It's just that sometimes, thodi sad si feeling ati hai! But just sometimes! Being single actually makes you want to complete yourself. And ideally, loving someone is to share your completeness with them, not just use them to make yourself complete! That's where all the problems come! 

I'm just in a drifting state now [don't get me wrong, this random, drifting state of mine is not very visible when I'm at work these days!] and I'm feeling love [I repeat for the zillionth time on by blog - not just the lovey dovey kind!] and I love it!

Well anyway, I don't know the way forward from now on, but I think I do know the attitude I need to have.

P.S. I really like the pic!

P.P.S. What's weird is how the past has been coming back to me lately. People and friendships I thought would never come back! I like it! ;)

 

Anger! :(

Okayyy... so here I am in the AIESEC office on a cleaning day. Painting a small showcase type thing in the conference room. Covered with paint, wall putty, dust and god-knows-what! Usually it would have been counted as one of those good exciting and fun days .. .but guess what! I'm thoroughly pissed off and not without reason!

And no, I'm not even gonna write it out here coz those 'people' have this blog id and are gonna read it for sure!

All I can say is, that sometimes things bug me to an extent where I can't control my anger [rare, but it happens] and they are things which I shouldn't even be bothered about! And if I tell anyone, it aint gonna even make sense to them So now's the time to stay shut and write it out on paper at home. 

Meanwhile, I'm listening to the song - so sick of love songs. .  And right now I can honestly say that I'm bugged with all of humanity! Even though I know it won't last long, right now EVERYONE is in the category of people I'm bugged with!

P.S. I would do almost anything right now to not still be in love! Damn it!

 

Love-flow!

I'm upset. 

It's just sooo irritating to be short-tempered! And to not let anyone know it! :S I'm feeling like a caged up animal right now and feel like smashing apart everything in sight! And I have no clue why I'm feeling the

 way I do! I guess that am bugged coz I'm feeling sort of helpless and tired of

 fighting as well. Helpless to do anything and tired of fighting and pushing myself to achieve something! Pessimistic? Yes!

It feels like I don't have any sort of control over myself and what I'm doing. Actually, no! It feels like I have total control over everything that I'm doing, but that I'm doing the wrong things! :(

As for the usual ponderings about love, I've decided it exists. Not only that, it's the only thing in the world that does exist [and no, not just the lovey dovey type!]. And that some

times, people and their love is meant to be present in your life only briefly, and at other times, you're just meant to love someone unconditionally.

I was reading the other day where it mentioned why people choose to be born in families where there are issues like drugs, absence of a member of the family-emotional or phyical absence. And it did strike me that it's because we need to learn a very valuable lesson of unconditional love. In fact, the book said that it was the ultimate lesson that a soul needs to learn and is essential. I think that's why I trust and love people so easily and am able to get over the pain so easily as well [touchwood!]. Absence of a parent or even a sibling does teach you a lot. I honestly think that despite my short temper, at times, I do love everyone that I know . . . or don't know! And even when it comes to the romantic type of love, I find it easy enough to love someone. Coz I can see that there is something to learn from each person and the flow of love is just so natural that it's quite hard to stop it [trust me, it's tough! I'm doing whatever I can to stop it!]. And yet, I know that if and when it doesn't work out [like, 100% surety!] it wouldn't really hurt me that much! Coz I sent out love to a person and to the universe. And if the love didn't come back from the same source, it's okay! Coz love is limitless! You can give love each living moment of your life and there would be plenty left over! It just seems so easy to love a person! It flows so naturally! And stopping it feels ridiculous as well. Hey, I just realized, that I'm probably not gonna gain anything from not falling in love! I guess I'll just let it flow freely. Esp since now I know that love, or the absence of it's reciprocation from that source, can't hurt me! Revelation - love cannot ever hurt you. No matter what happens! Your beliefs, perceptions, desires, changes are more likely to cause hurt than love would. Coz love is a feeling. . . a positive feeling that flows limitlessly! 

Somehow that caged animal inside me is feeling quite pacified now! And seemingly has a nice love-ish feeling growing in the heart! 

I accept that I love everyone in this cosmos. And yes, I even accept that love can flow uni-directionally and I'm not afraid anymore. :)

Running away from safety? Or just realizing am a part of everything that exists?

Running away from safety. . . I used to wonder why anyone would run away from what is safe, secure and comfortable. And yet, here I am today doing exactly that - running away from safety!

Being safe is good, but stagnant after a while. I just feel that it's the easy way out coz until you take some risk, you aren't really going to achieve much. Until you break out of the comfort zone you live in and do something that scares you, how are you going to learn anything at all?!

 

Sometimes solutions seem so easy and. . . well, safe! But that's exactly why they won't work. There's a difference in a thing being simple and easy. Simple is not necessary easy. But isn't 'easy' just a perception as well? 

 

Safety is what I've always believed in, what I've been doing all my life. But I don't think that safety is satisfying right now. Feel like breaking apart everything present in my world. . . everything! Even in love, loving someone is a risk. It's running away from safety, in a way. Who knows if the other person will love you back? Who knows if it's going to work? Who knows how it's going to affect your life? Who knows anything at all?! 

 

Everything that has a beginning has to have an end. So, eventually everything ends right? Or is that just an illusion we harbour and actually everything stays but just gets transformed into something else? Does love have an end? Or does it just change into something else? Do we ever die? Our bodies go back to the earth that sustained them. Our soul never really had a physical definition on earth anyway so I believe it lives on. So what changes? What remains constant? About running away from safety, is any place safe at all? Or is any place unsafe at all? 

Gosh, I feel like I've got all the opposites of the world inside me and yet, they aren't fighting over which is more powerful! They're co-existing! I'm not too sure if that makes me into an extreme person or a balanced one. True enough, I usually don't freak out and even when I do, people don't really get to know! Well, most of them anyway!

So yeah, a lot of things going on in my mind. Besides the usual practical to-do-list.  Thinking about 'energy' and how it isn't created or destroyed. Just transformed! Read a book and since then, I'm feeling like I'm a part of everything in this cosmos! This body didn't appear out of thin air, so it's made up of things from all over the world. Water travels everywhere, in fact, everything in the world is so connected that it's just impossible to imagine it to not be 'one'! I'm a part of everything and everything is a part of everything else. I was never born and I will never die. I'll just transform into something else eventually.

There's a flame that's burning inside me that makes me love everyone and everything on this earth. No, not the emotional way [that's just a few people! ;)] but in a whole, complete and accepting sort of way! Coz, I'm supposed to love myself right? And if the whole world is a part of me, I guess I should love it all too! :D

Hehe, something in me seems to have broken free today. [possibly I'm just fighting off the fever! ;)] Love seems to engulf everything [yes, even though am veryyy irritable with fever!] and everything seems to be a part of something else! 

And yeah, I think I do still believe in love, the emotional type. Somewhere in my heart, that flame is still there!

 

On a road to nowhere, and I'm trying to escape!

Today was a good type day, mostly. But it's been rather messed up since evening. Down with fever and have a hugeee load of pending work! Anddd to top that off, am feeling bugged and irritated! Not helping much. 

Everything feels just so. . . ridiculous right now! Unreal and not-quite-there! Wish I could go for a movie, or a drive or something like that. Usually helps!

Listening to this song 'we're all made of stars'. Sorta calming effect actually, but possibly not enough.

Today, everything feels like it's been turned upside down. Invariably, everything I hold close to my heart seem to be the very things I want to push away from myself right now. Somehow, everything I believe in seems to be falling apart right now. Everything that really matters to me is edging away from me and my life as I know it. 

Something tells me that I either have to change utterly and completely, or be content to live a life that I do not even want tyo live!

Love seems like just a concept right now, and a ridiculous one at that! And the fact that this thought is there in my mind, is the most ridiculous thing of all!

Damn, I should just go and take medicine and sleep. Before my world shreds itself apart and I'm left to build myself alone. Damn this fever, I think I'll go delirious soon!

Damn, I should just go and take medicine and sleep. Before my world shreds itself apart and I'm left to build myself alone. Damn this fever, I think I'll go delirious soon!

I feel like I'm on a road to nowhere, and I don't really like this thought right now.

P.S. I know this is just a phase and that I'll probably be back to my usual, positive, and happy self by tomorrow! :D