Mixed up. . . now flowing!

Tonight I am feeling a whirlpool of mixed emotions. I feel like a romantic, well, I guess I am one at heart! A part of me feels like it is in a dreamworld, surrounded by beauty and poetry. But a part of me is facing a reality that passes by in each humans life and breaks the heart of every single person who falls into unrequited love. And despite these surreal worlds of mine, I feel like the practical no-nonsense part of me stand up and want to know what's going on in the world. Connecting to people, feeling simple emotions like friendship and giving into life's [read: reality] charm.

There is someone in this world who is going to be the one I love and who would love me for who I am. Sometimes I wonder what he's doing right now. . . partying? studying? sleeping? breaking his heart over another girl? or caught in the indecision of what he feels for me? I don't even know if that 'special someone' is in my life right now, and to be entirely honest, I don't even know if I do completely believe that 'someone' exists! I mean, yeah it's possible that there's someone. . . but it's also possible that there isn't! Feeling like I'm drowning in my thoughts . . . . accepting what I usually would not, believing what I usually would not. And all this in my complete senses! Something inside me feels despair, something inside me feels like just giving up. And I think that 'something' is going to win this battle. Coz that part of me is scared of fighting battles, or perhaps just tired of even trying anymore.

I don't know what this feeling is, and nor am I going to try to analyze it. To take apart this feeling bit by bit and weigh the pros and cons, think of the whys and why nots, seems like sacrilege to the feeling I am feeling now. I think I'll just feel it. . and wait for it to bide its time and die. Yes, die IS the appropriate word. And actually, I don't think it'll be so bad! Life's going to move on, and I'm gonna stay alive, with a zillion things to distract me! Yes yes, I know I'm trying to convince myself more than you! ;) There would be a certain feeling of emptiness, I'm sure. But I'll live through it right? Who said life has to be easy all throughout!

And yeah, something inside me seems to reassure me that everything's going to be all right. That life's going to move on, new things are going to come my way, and I would discover other emotions, and other fears as well. Time is a great healer, if you give it enough time! ;) Sometimes I think I'm too positive as a person! Like, no matter how bad a situation gets, there's always a ray of happiness. And hope. It's good to be positive about life, but perhaps I'm a mite too much sometimes! Life still seems good, and pretty livable! With a lot of things to look forward to! And yes, this is despite that feeling of acceptance [read: sadness] that I'm having right now.

There was this saying I heard once:
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

I think I can manage the first two pretty well, it's the third that I'm having problems with right now! ;)

I seem to have made my decision. Which is to let go. Because holding on won't help. Perhaps I am trying to consciously take a decision which I do not believe in. What I do believe is that it is a time to go with the flow and see where life leads me. Undercurrents pulling me in opposite directions, but eventually, one will triumph!

I feel the power to do exactly what I want with my life, and I know that whatever I dream will come true. And that power seems a bit too much to handle sometimes. Wondering if I should make an extra effort. . . probably not now.