P.S. I love you!

So much to say, so much to do! So much to think about, so much to learn! So much to impart, so much to see!

Phew, not been able to write for so many days. . . Too many things going on in the mind!
A new team, exam next week, so much to do in the portfolio, conferences, scene at home. . . changing - or rather developing and evolving - as a person. . . soooo many things!

Right now, however, I'm just feeling 1 responsibility exceptionally strongly. Of being a daughter. It's daughter's day and despite any differences that have been there in the past few days [happens in every family!], my mom and dad just gave me a scroll and a card that says that they love me and that I'm the best! So therefore, technically speaking, I'm highly emotional and sentimental right now! ;) It's what relationships are built of right? That no matter what differences crop up, no matter how insensitive the other person (or maybe you, yourself!) seems, no matter if there is a fight .. . to know that the other person still loves you is a feeling that surpasses any other! Compromises need to be made eventually as well. . . and people need to realize that neither can they go ahead and do exactly what they want without caring about the other person, nor can they place too many restrictions on a person!

Yeah, I know. . . it's becoming a sort-of love-ish entry again! ;) I guess someone rightly told me that I have an 'ever flowing love quotient'! ;)
So here I am, thinking about the past 1-2 weeks. .. . thinking about what it means to be a family. . . thinking about how I'm still loved so much!

And yet. . . feeling like I'm growing up all too suddenly! Taking responsibility for what I do and consequences after messing up something. . . balancing different aspects in life. . . controlling my temper. . . and coping alone with what I feel. Coz someday, it's possible that there would not be anyone I can turn to and nobody who come to me and give me a hug when I cry. . .

But today, despite everything, I feel loved. Loved by family. friends, people I work with. And yeah, I'm dammmmm senti right now! ;) Wish I could tell everyone how important they are in my life and that if it wasn't for them, it would be hard to go through each day! There are so many people who support me each day and save me from falling! So many people who just have a solid presence next to me and make everything okay! :) I wish I could go to all these people and tell them how much I care! And tell the people who I may not even notice on a day-to-day basis but who are vital to the way each day shapes up for me!

It's no-one's responsibility to keep others happy, but they still do whatever they can for it! And I want to go and hug all those people who go out of their own personal space everyday to make sure that I'm happy and on the right track in my life!

It feels like I have the world in the palm of my hand. . . or, well. . . all the love in the world, anyway! :)

Everything's changing! Or. . . well . .. it's about to!

Everything's changinggg!
Feeling hysterically giggly and depressingly woeful right now!
I'm gonna change everything. . everything!
My room, my thoughts, my way of working, my academic scene, my targets vs. achieved. . . EVERYTHING!
And I'm NOT gonna give up any dream of mine for another! I'm just gonna go ahead and do it!
I am gonna go for exchange summit, no matter what!
I am gonna go well in my exam, no matter what!
I am gonna achieve all my targets, an then some.. . no matter what!
I am gonna do whatever I can to make my member's experiences better, no matter what it takes!
I am gonna make sure my scene with my family gets better, it's a priority, no matter what!
So yeah, these are just a few of the things that I want to achieve by the end of this year . ..
It's time to step up and change the way things have been.. . coz they haven't been done in the best possible way.
So yeah, even though the world seems to be a bit cold right now (or is that just coz of the fever?) I can see sunlight. .. or feel that it exists somewhere and it's coming! :D
I feel like I'm freed from desire and am inspired to achieve. . everything! Even if it takes 24 hours of wakefulness each day! Uhh. . . no, woh ho nahi payega. . overwork decreases efficiency na! ;) ;)
So yeah, here I am. . . changing everything. Coz that's what I need to do. And because of that, certain decisions seem to have gone on hold as well!
Oh well, life's like that sometimes! You know you're gonna do it coz you can, should, must, have to do it!
A certain something seems solid and strong as a rock seems to protect me from the world right now. . and a certain something makes me feel more vulnerable than I ever have been before!
I feel so small in this world, yet I feel I can change so much!

Something inside me wants this change. . . yet something is terrified to go through with it!

Oh well.. . . like they say. . ‘do one thing everyday that scares you’. I guess it’s time to go beyond that ‘one thing’.

Chase the sun!

Gonna keep goin' on! No matter what may happen!
The picture says more than words could anyway!

Chase the sun!

Lyrics of one of the few songs that can make me feel amazing

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Net not working! :(

Damn! I hate not being able to write here everyday! :( Net not working at home!
So much has been happening. . . new recs are back from NLDS [amazinggg lot! will write more later!], office is looking damn cool! And exams are going on. . . :( And exam on the first of October now. And have to go for the eXchange summit to Alibagh [need to talk to mom n dad!] and Delhi sometime as well to meet up people! And. . . arghhh! Sooo many things! Will just write it all out once the net starts working! :P
Till then, it's lots to do and lots to think about!
Am loving each and every moment of my life right now!

Another step in my journey. . . Redefining myself and my relationship with love.

Hmm.... wellll, today did turn out to be an interesting day after all! Didn't think that anything else that happened today would merit a mention in the blog after having already written an entry today but. . . I guess I was proved wrong!

How much of it should I write? ummm. . . just enough for me to have 'written it out' and not enough for you to deduce exactly what happened! Besides, I just realized that my blog may freak out most of you who are quite reserved about what they feel and don't like to talk about it [hey, hang on, I do that too!] and to see someone writing everything out and laying it out as the bare truth they can't see usually, would, I admit, be mildly freaky! Yeah, it is a little explicit about what I think and about things that people may not agree to. Yeah, it is overly frank and honest. Yeah, it's wayyyy more talkative than I am in person! ;) [obvv, I'm the only one writing here! mwahahaha (evil laugh: totally without reason!)] 

Well, anyway, back to the point. Here I am, at a very strange point of time in my life. 'Trying to' just 'get over it' now. And probably will too! Soon enough! More than the actual conversation I just had, it's memories of others that I'm thinking back to as I'm going back to my life. I remember a certain friend telling me 'you can get any guy you're really crazy about!' [ironically, I had a crush on this guy before!] And I remember another friend from my EB telling me 'I can't even begin to tell you how strong you are as a person. Dunno how I would have dealt with all that you have in life' And I remember another friend saying 'Chill, he wasn't worth the hurt anyway!' and I remember a friend just listening to me while I kept talking and talking and talking. It's ironic how I'm so spontaneous sometimes and so held back at others. What I think about love? Well, like always, I still believe it's the only real thing in the world! What do I think about the lovey dovey type of love? Ummm, works for sure, a bit tough sometimes, not understood by most people, too little in the world, and taken as a tragedy by people when it doesn't work out! Seriously, does is matter all that much if they love you back in the same amount or way that you love them? Did you set all these conditions before loving them? Well, in that case, it's ridiculous to call it love! Call if affection, passion, crush, infatuation or whatever, but don't call it love! I don't profess to be in love right now, nor do I claim that this kind of unconditional love lasts forever. I'm just saying that this is what I believe! And I believe it to be true! Love does not have to be forever. No, wait, Love is forever, but it's not the same kinda love and not necessarily the same person! Hehe, I like the way I think sometimes! Love is just energy, and that can be transformed! And it's limitless! 

Sometimes, it isn't all that bad being single. It's quite cool in fact! It's just that sometimes, thodi sad si feeling ati hai! But just sometimes! Being single actually makes you want to complete yourself. And ideally, loving someone is to share your completeness with them, not just use them to make yourself complete! That's where all the problems come! 

I'm just in a drifting state now [don't get me wrong, this random, drifting state of mine is not very visible when I'm at work these days!] and I'm feeling love [I repeat for the zillionth time on by blog - not just the lovey dovey kind!] and I love it!

Well anyway, I don't know the way forward from now on, but I think I do know the attitude I need to have.

P.S. I really like the pic!

P.P.S. What's weird is how the past has been coming back to me lately. People and friendships I thought would never come back! I like it! ;)

 

Anger! :(

Okayyy... so here I am in the AIESEC office on a cleaning day. Painting a small showcase type thing in the conference room. Covered with paint, wall putty, dust and god-knows-what! Usually it would have been counted as one of those good exciting and fun days .. .but guess what! I'm thoroughly pissed off and not without reason!

And no, I'm not even gonna write it out here coz those 'people' have this blog id and are gonna read it for sure!

All I can say is, that sometimes things bug me to an extent where I can't control my anger [rare, but it happens] and they are things which I shouldn't even be bothered about! And if I tell anyone, it aint gonna even make sense to them So now's the time to stay shut and write it out on paper at home. 

Meanwhile, I'm listening to the song - so sick of love songs. .  And right now I can honestly say that I'm bugged with all of humanity! Even though I know it won't last long, right now EVERYONE is in the category of people I'm bugged with!

P.S. I would do almost anything right now to not still be in love! Damn it!

 

Love-flow!

I'm upset. 

It's just sooo irritating to be short-tempered! And to not let anyone know it! :S I'm feeling like a caged up animal right now and feel like smashing apart everything in sight! And I have no clue why I'm feeling the

 way I do! I guess that am bugged coz I'm feeling sort of helpless and tired of

 fighting as well. Helpless to do anything and tired of fighting and pushing myself to achieve something! Pessimistic? Yes!

It feels like I don't have any sort of control over myself and what I'm doing. Actually, no! It feels like I have total control over everything that I'm doing, but that I'm doing the wrong things! :(

As for the usual ponderings about love, I've decided it exists. Not only that, it's the only thing in the world that does exist [and no, not just the lovey dovey type!]. And that some

times, people and their love is meant to be present in your life only briefly, and at other times, you're just meant to love someone unconditionally.

I was reading the other day where it mentioned why people choose to be born in families where there are issues like drugs, absence of a member of the family-emotional or phyical absence. And it did strike me that it's because we need to learn a very valuable lesson of unconditional love. In fact, the book said that it was the ultimate lesson that a soul needs to learn and is essential. I think that's why I trust and love people so easily and am able to get over the pain so easily as well [touchwood!]. Absence of a parent or even a sibling does teach you a lot. I honestly think that despite my short temper, at times, I do love everyone that I know . . . or don't know! And even when it comes to the romantic type of love, I find it easy enough to love someone. Coz I can see that there is something to learn from each person and the flow of love is just so natural that it's quite hard to stop it [trust me, it's tough! I'm doing whatever I can to stop it!]. And yet, I know that if and when it doesn't work out [like, 100% surety!] it wouldn't really hurt me that much! Coz I sent out love to a person and to the universe. And if the love didn't come back from the same source, it's okay! Coz love is limitless! You can give love each living moment of your life and there would be plenty left over! It just seems so easy to love a person! It flows so naturally! And stopping it feels ridiculous as well. Hey, I just realized, that I'm probably not gonna gain anything from not falling in love! I guess I'll just let it flow freely. Esp since now I know that love, or the absence of it's reciprocation from that source, can't hurt me! Revelation - love cannot ever hurt you. No matter what happens! Your beliefs, perceptions, desires, changes are more likely to cause hurt than love would. Coz love is a feeling. . . a positive feeling that flows limitlessly! 

Somehow that caged animal inside me is feeling quite pacified now! And seemingly has a nice love-ish feeling growing in the heart! 

I accept that I love everyone in this cosmos. And yes, I even accept that love can flow uni-directionally and I'm not afraid anymore. :)

Running away from safety? Or just realizing am a part of everything that exists?

Running away from safety. . . I used to wonder why anyone would run away from what is safe, secure and comfortable. And yet, here I am today doing exactly that - running away from safety!

Being safe is good, but stagnant after a while. I just feel that it's the easy way out coz until you take some risk, you aren't really going to achieve much. Until you break out of the comfort zone you live in and do something that scares you, how are you going to learn anything at all?!

 

Sometimes solutions seem so easy and. . . well, safe! But that's exactly why they won't work. There's a difference in a thing being simple and easy. Simple is not necessary easy. But isn't 'easy' just a perception as well? 

 

Safety is what I've always believed in, what I've been doing all my life. But I don't think that safety is satisfying right now. Feel like breaking apart everything present in my world. . . everything! Even in love, loving someone is a risk. It's running away from safety, in a way. Who knows if the other person will love you back? Who knows if it's going to work? Who knows how it's going to affect your life? Who knows anything at all?! 

 

Everything that has a beginning has to have an end. So, eventually everything ends right? Or is that just an illusion we harbour and actually everything stays but just gets transformed into something else? Does love have an end? Or does it just change into something else? Do we ever die? Our bodies go back to the earth that sustained them. Our soul never really had a physical definition on earth anyway so I believe it lives on. So what changes? What remains constant? About running away from safety, is any place safe at all? Or is any place unsafe at all? 

Gosh, I feel like I've got all the opposites of the world inside me and yet, they aren't fighting over which is more powerful! They're co-existing! I'm not too sure if that makes me into an extreme person or a balanced one. True enough, I usually don't freak out and even when I do, people don't really get to know! Well, most of them anyway!

So yeah, a lot of things going on in my mind. Besides the usual practical to-do-list.  Thinking about 'energy' and how it isn't created or destroyed. Just transformed! Read a book and since then, I'm feeling like I'm a part of everything in this cosmos! This body didn't appear out of thin air, so it's made up of things from all over the world. Water travels everywhere, in fact, everything in the world is so connected that it's just impossible to imagine it to not be 'one'! I'm a part of everything and everything is a part of everything else. I was never born and I will never die. I'll just transform into something else eventually.

There's a flame that's burning inside me that makes me love everyone and everything on this earth. No, not the emotional way [that's just a few people! ;)] but in a whole, complete and accepting sort of way! Coz, I'm supposed to love myself right? And if the whole world is a part of me, I guess I should love it all too! :D

Hehe, something in me seems to have broken free today. [possibly I'm just fighting off the fever! ;)] Love seems to engulf everything [yes, even though am veryyy irritable with fever!] and everything seems to be a part of something else! 

And yeah, I think I do still believe in love, the emotional type. Somewhere in my heart, that flame is still there!

 

On a road to nowhere, and I'm trying to escape!

Today was a good type day, mostly. But it's been rather messed up since evening. Down with fever and have a hugeee load of pending work! Anddd to top that off, am feeling bugged and irritated! Not helping much. 

Everything feels just so. . . ridiculous right now! Unreal and not-quite-there! Wish I could go for a movie, or a drive or something like that. Usually helps!

Listening to this song 'we're all made of stars'. Sorta calming effect actually, but possibly not enough.

Today, everything feels like it's been turned upside down. Invariably, everything I hold close to my heart seem to be the very things I want to push away from myself right now. Somehow, everything I believe in seems to be falling apart right now. Everything that really matters to me is edging away from me and my life as I know it. 

Something tells me that I either have to change utterly and completely, or be content to live a life that I do not even want tyo live!

Love seems like just a concept right now, and a ridiculous one at that! And the fact that this thought is there in my mind, is the most ridiculous thing of all!

Damn, I should just go and take medicine and sleep. Before my world shreds itself apart and I'm left to build myself alone. Damn this fever, I think I'll go delirious soon!

Damn, I should just go and take medicine and sleep. Before my world shreds itself apart and I'm left to build myself alone. Damn this fever, I think I'll go delirious soon!

I feel like I'm on a road to nowhere, and I don't really like this thought right now.

P.S. I know this is just a phase and that I'll probably be back to my usual, positive, and happy self by tomorrow! :D

Random!

I made a cake!

Chocolate! :D

Weird how cake ingredients are so weird and tasteless separately, but when put together in the right amount, sequence and cooked properly, they make such an amazing thing! [and no, I'm being quite general here, not talking about my cake specifically!]

I think people are like that as well, umm. . no, souls are like that! It's an illusion that an experience which makes no sense is useless as well. It's a part of a larger plan to make the holistic experience of the soul better. Isn't it?

Khair, am not in a very philosophical mood right now. Feel like being khuppi, just that I'm just not khuppi by nature! :( I love khup and conversations! Just that am not as good at initiating them and carrying them forward. .. hmm, should do something about that! Abhi toh I feel like going for a movie. And then chilling somewhere, preferably the lake, or coffee somewhere! Anyway, I'm pretty happy right now as well! Chatting to an old friend with whom I had lost touch. Interesting how we just stopped talking and now just started talking again! It feels really good. :) Gonna go to Delhiiiii sometime to meet up! Pakka se!

Yeah, I know, veryyy random blog entry, but I guess I want it to be this way!

Had an EBM today. Quite random intially, but quite interesting outputs [proper work type!] by the end of it. :) Gonna paint the office tomorrow. . . yayee!

So yeah, today's entry is brief and random. Coz I like that part of life as well! :)

Wall of light. . . something's happening!

Day 4. . . still missing Manveer and the new recs a lot! :( And the conference-where-I'm-not!
Feeling sort of snappy and sarcastic at the moment, so just steering clear of people and conversations right now. Will be okay after a bit of music, it always helps!

I think something's happening to me. These sudden blank-overly alert-zoinked times are not usual, to say the very least. I feel connected to something bigger in this world, some higher power at that moment, and I'm not too sure if I like it. It's just. . . a bit scary! Passing phase? Or some base being laid down for the rest of my life? A purpose emerging? A way of life? Or a time of clarity and calmness to experience something? Dunno the answer to all this, but still searching for them at a certain level. And a certain level is not searching for answers, or anything else actually. A certain part of me is just sitting in silence and experiencing each and every moment!

I also realized something today. That we are not responsible for another person's life. Obvious? Yes of course it's obvious! But does that stop most of us from telling anyone and everyone what to do with their life? And become personally attached and take it up as a personal responsibility [however sub-consciously] to rectify it? The truth is [at least, what I think] that we are not responsible for another person's life. Advice, yes! Giving experiences, yes! Helping out and putting them on the right track, yes! But having that personal connect to their problems and feel it is above anything else in your life is just not okay! And yes, admit it, you do it too! You just don't realize it usually, right? Think about it!

I was watching the stars today. Needed to calm down a little and the darkness seemed to help. A strange concept came to me which I think I should try to follow. It's about building a positive wall around yourself. We all build walls around ourselves and cut off other people from our lives, but this is different in the way that any negative thoughts of yours that may affect them would get dissolved in the wall and not affect the energy of that person negatively. And vice versa! You can be protected from negativity of others as well. Also, the wall, being positive, emits positive energy and energizes your aura and of those around you. How is it different from a person's aura? It's made consciously and with an intention to keep people at a little more distance than usual. Not to be used too often, just at those times when you feel the need to escape or being freaked out by people around you! I liked it! :)

So yeah, today was a good type day but I'm feeling sorta pessimistic and a lil sad for some reason. And also thinking that I should make myself more independent and not really need to have external love in my life. I mean, it's absolutely great if it's there! But there shouldn't be a need for it. Even while listening to a love song while driving back home. It's okay to not think about anyone at that moment. And yes, I know that this is mostly just theory and harder to practice in real life. But yeah, it doesn't really help to like someone you know it aint gonna work out with!

So yeah, lots is changing. What I think the way I think. And yet, externally I would seem mostly the same to most people! I guess coz there are parts of me that they have never really known exist, and this is one more added to the list! And yes, despite everything, or perhaps because of everything, I'm feeling an overwhelming love for life! Everything feels so delicate right now, and yet I feel a strength I never knew existed!

Channels are changing and clearing!

Day 3. . . Manveer still gone with the new recs and I'm missing each one of them! And it's just day 0 of the conference!

Went to office. . . couple of EB members are ill. :( We still sorted out a lot of stuff in the office though! Then went off for lunch. . . and a very interesting conversation ensued with another EB member post lunch, back at office. :)
Then came home. With a back ache that just seemed to increase every minute and mom didn't let me go for football and I slept off [not intentionally! I'm not usually the type who won't fight!].
And now, been chatting with yet another old friend of mine who I haven't met properly for over a year! Planning to meet up with him later this month for sure. For a full day [pakka promise hai!]. It's been agezzzz since we met up ya!
So yeah, here's the brief up of the day -
cleaned office
lunch out
conversation and cleaning
home with a backache [body ache to be precise!]
couple of updates
and now back to bed. with the laptop and plans for Delhi this month!

Other than that, well I've noticed a few interesting things about myself in the past day or so. After I've started to keep a diary to keep all random thoughts in, the thoughts have actually decreased and I'm able to focus on what I do want to think! And I think that's a pretty cool thing! Coz usually my mind is way too full of chatter and random repetitive thoughts. Also, it's helping me make opinions. Even saying a simple thing like 'I like red walls' is an opinion. And by now, I have some very fixed goals and opinions! And affirmations! Like I wanna study and clear my room. I need to change a couple of things about myself. And that there are some very simple things in life that I like! I've also written about certain illusions that I want myself to remember. ~Only love is real. When we love people, we see reality but when we focus on their flaws and negatives, that's the real illusion! People do have a tendency to believe it the other way around! ~There are no coincidences, luck or chance. Everything is a response to your energy and your needs and requirements for experiences! This is one really powerful statement coz it enables you to accept current realities and yet, doesn't make you sit back and think that destiny will lead you everywhere without having to lift a finger! It's because of your energy that it all happens and it is not luck!

Ever since my mind's been having space in it, there have been periods when everything goes blank! Ummm... not blank exactly, just that all chatter stops and I see everything from a little further away. It's like being in deep meditation with your eyes open. It feels a little disoriented but really alert and aware at the same time! It feels like the world has stopped for me and I can see and hear everything going on around me and that the channel from my heart, mind and soul is so clear that it is silent. I think this is the first step. Of what? I dunno. . . those words just felt appropriate. I know I want the next step to have music in that channel and harmony. And yes, the best thing I like about writing a blog is that I discover so much! 70% of what I write is stuff that I discover at the time of writing! :)

So yeah, here I am, going in and out of that consciously sub-conscious state and utterly unaware of what is happening to me and where I'm being led!
All I know is that I love life. I love love. And I love being in a life I love!
God, tussi great ho! :D
P.S. I'm visualizing NLDS as well! It's not something I forget at any point of time! But I know there must be a reason for my staying here. I just don't know it fully yet!

Cleaning Day at office!

Cleaning day!
Gosh, I never would have thought that the office had so much dust and grime in it!
Went off at 11 and came home at 8. Loads of Colin, soap, water, Nirma, brooms and with a bit of teamwork we cleaned up the place like it had never been done before!

Rotting wood? Yes. Creepy crawly insects? Yes! Snails? Yes. Mud? Grime? Junk paper, bottles and glass? Sand? Bricks? Yeah! All this and much more! [mostly in the back yard though!]

I would probably never have cleaned even my room half as much as I cleaned the office today. And had fun as well! Chucking water on each other, lunch at Stu-C, cleaning up together. . . Felt rather liberating even to the mind actually.

Just made me really think about this. . . we try so hard to keep our surroundings clean (most of us do! :) ) but we never really care about the junk we keep filling in our minds. Chatter in the brains, thinking the same old thoughts day after day after day and yet leaving the relevant thoughts, unthought! We let mindsets and perceptions rule our real world and mess up how we look at life. We don't ever really clean the way we look at life, do we? How many of us actually have a time during the day when we have no thoughts or chatter in our mind at all? A day when everything is new and fresh rather than thoughts that drag us down?

Weirdly enough though, cleaning the office, at some strange sub conscious level, cleared up my mind as well. Calmed it and just focused on the task at hand! Music, people I like, AIESEC, everything was just. . . damn cool! Talk about living diverse experiences! :)

The strangest thing about AIESEC is that it gives us the most different experiences could expect but we are still able to take them with a pinch of salt and love each moment! Whether it's meeting a top notch business professional, college principal, NGO head, student, member, professional meetings or randomly driving around with the EB, chilling anywhere and everywhere, partying till 7 a.m. at conferences, traveling for 50 hours, cleaning up office, staying up half the night coz of a document, going crazy about visas, actually, anything you could possible imagine has been a part of my AIESEC life!

And today was just one of those moments where you're with people you love and you're all working together and having fun as well!

I'm happy today! Even though I'm not in Silvassa and still want to be there, I'm doing pretty okay here as well! :) Gonna go next year for sure! :P

Oh, and did I mention that I love planning Office decorations? ;) Paint jobs and charts n everythn? ;)

Truth. . .? Dream considered a reality?

Well. . . moment of truth's here I guess!
Been talking to a school friend of mine. Not been in touch as much as I would have liked, but anyway, that's besides the point now.

What matters is that I can still talk and share exactly what I want to. Talked for quite a while and 'confessed' certain things that I haven't talked about to anyone else!

It's kinda like a moment of truth right now. To have said exactly what I thought and felt. . . it was nice. I liked it! They're right when they say 'and the truth shall set you free. . .'

Looks like I'll need to go to Delhi soon enough for some more sharing time! After all, it isn't everyone you can tell your secrets and doubts to! [shhh... scandals as well!] Or else await the return in the beginning of October. ;) After all, the truth does set you free! :) No matter how freaky it sounds!

NLDS 2007. . . oops. . '08! Whoooh?

Hmmm. . . people say that life comes a full circle and everything's changed by then.
It's been one year in AIESEC. . . and I'm looking back at the person I was. Seems like a blur at the moment but those few days at Sawai Madhopur- Jaipur. . phew! Crazy, wild, awe-inspiring, amazing, motivating and jam packed with sessions and fun! So many moments flash by. . jives, tent-burning, insects (ewww!), the OC (from Chandi!), the train ride, the starry sky on the first night, open bus drive at midnight in a jungle, forgetting names, applying for flcp, shifting venues in the dead of the night, talent night, sleeping through the stock market session (oops!), the FLCs, the people from all cities, prom night, chilling with my LC after prom night (at 4 am! on kiddie swings! in a dress!), roll calls, del meetings, dinner (more than lunch, dunno why!), the paintings in those rooms, not having place to sleep, 'I' session, maaza overdose, chocolates by a secret friend, my secret friend, shouting anything and everything, moments of the day, wrap ups, skolling, gosh, the memories are just coming more than ever before! And of course, the closing plen where I actually cried. The bus ride to the station and the train to sawai madhopur (and someone saying 'kya raat thi yaar!' for prom night!) and sleeping at the insect infested station of Sawai Madhopur for 3 hours. And then on someone's shoulder. . Coming back home. . . so many moments! [by the way, guess which song's playing right now! Summer of 69! And now the times are changing. . . look at everything that's come and gone. . .]

Yeah, I had a life changing experience. And here I am, the year 2008, now a VP, with 52 new recruits in the LC, and a delegation of 40 going to NLDS. A dream we had dreamt a year ago at NLDS. And now that it's happening, I'm not there! :S A huge, great, motivated, amazing delegation on it's way to Silvassa right this very minute. And I would give anything to be there! Anything! NLDS is not something that happens everyday! Just once a year and even then, it's always different, you know why? Coz it's all about people. And they're all new people. Always. A bunch of crazy, and helluva lot more capable than my batch, new recs!

I still can't believe that they're gone and I'm still here. It's been an AIESEC dream to go to NLDS as a Faci. Well, next year I guess. At least it's gonna keep me motivated to have amazinggg recruitments at that time as well and take yet another insane delegation to the conference!

I can't really believe that it's been just one year. Just one year since I rushed into the plen to the song 'I'm shipping up to Boston' praying I wasn't too late! ;) Just one year. . . seems like a lifetime ago. Especially since I'm not the same person that joined in September 2007. I've achieved, and I've failed. I've lived in intensity and in periods of utter indifference. I've loved and I've lost. I've followed others and led some as well. I've met people from all over the world. I know my way around the city now. I've lost myself so many times, re-found myself. And then lost myself again, rebuilding and breaking each moment.

So here I am, sitting in front of my laptop (which, by the way, I wouldn't have known how to use a year ago) and writing it all out. Wishing I was on a train. Second class sleeper train even if it was without a ticket.

I saw the new recs today. 40 people with a gleam in their eyes for the coming ten days. 40 people awaiting a life-changing experience. People going out of their comfort zone to another city with a group of students. I wonder if they know that they are the future of AIESEC Chandigarh. I wonder if they feel the responsibility yet, I wonder if they know how much they will change. I wonder if they know how desperately I want to be there with them. NOW. And through the whole conference. And go through the rush of the next 10 days. Sway to 'leaving on a jet plane' sing wonderwall, write sugar cubes, cry when you know you gotta go back.

I wanna break out of everything that happened in this whole year. .. I want to be a new recruit who everyone is trying to motivate, inspire and give a good experience. I want to be an empty cup overflowing with happiness. Don't get me wrong, I've absolutely loved this year, but just once, just for those 10 days, I want to go back. Even if as a Faci, I want to go see the new recs that mean so much to me already, change. I want to BE THERE and live AIESEC like never before.

Someday, I know it'll happen. It's destiny. And if it isn't, then I'll just make it into my destiny anyway. Someday, I'll be there, with new recs and see them living and loving AIESEC, just as I have been!

P.S. the pic is from JNC, but just thought it goes with the NLDS mood right now!

Friendship and love. . .? And me?

Okay, I'm doubtful if I should even be writing this. . . a certain part of me doesn't want anyone to read it but a certain part of me is craving for everything to be 'written out'.

Feeling sort of ridiculous today, to say the very least! it's just one of those days when you 'suddenly' realize something so obvious and simple that you wanna smack yourself across the face and say 'What the hell were you thinking? Are you crazy or what?'. [yeah, I pretty much believe that everyone has such days. . . sometimes!].

So here's the scene. I do like someone. . . like as in like! However, it's not like we've known each other forever or even talk a zillion times a day. It's that liking-from-afar type of a thing [not my style usually, but what the heck! I'm human and still a teen!] and I do know very well that he likes someone else [I still feel I have a minor tendency to fall for people I know it aint gonna work out with. It's just so. . . safe!]

Yeah whatever, some people would tell me to go and talk to him or tell him what I feel or blah blah blah! I dunno, am just not that kind of a person I guess. Someone once told me 'I don't think you approached him in the right manner'. Hah! I almost died laughing! I haven't ever approached him in that way at all! Wasn't ever proactive in this thing for sure. ;)

I don't really know what I want. As a person, as a girl, a teen, an AIESECer, a VP, a daughter, a mentor, a sister! And I guess that I'm realizing that it's okay to not know everything after all! Perhaps it's because of this journey that I have not really tried to have a special someone in my life. Or perhaps it's just because the last time hurt too much in the end. Fear of getting hurt? Maybe. Fearing of loving someone unconditionally? Perhaps. Fear of being loved? Ahh... now that is something I really cannot answer.

Something inside me seems to have closed and I don't think that there is anyone I know who would put in that kind of effort or love to bring me back to love again. And no, it isn't all that tough for me to fall in love, not tough to care for someone deeply. It's trusting myself at time that's scary. I would love the person with all my heart and I know everything's gonna be okay, but there's something inside me that refuses to believe that someone is gonna love me as unconditionally as I would love them. Is that what's holding me back? Maybe. Possibly.

And no, I'm not in love with him. I just really. .. umm. . . like him. And it's only coz am holding myself back from liking him more than I do already! I don't think I wanna be in love. Simply coz there isn't anyone or any reason to make me want to. It isn't that I don't believe in love, I'm quite a staunch believer in it! Even when relationships do fall apart, I think it just means that the love was meant to engulf your life for only that particular period. Strangely enough. I'm okay with break-ups. It's just when it happens when you're at the best time in your relationship and things start falling apart wayyy too suddenly that it's a teeny weeny bit of a problem. I can cope with practically anything. Just that I don't feel the need to. Coz no one makes me feel that yes, I should be in love right now.

And you know what I realized today? That all these emotions (at least 60-70% of which I'm realizing now!) have been holding me back from a really good friendship that we may have shared. And that's the reason for my feeling so utterly ridiculous today. To have let something like friendship go coz of all these things is just plain. . . ummm. . . stupid! It is!!!

Gosh, I should stop writing now, it is a blog after all and not a lockable diary! ;)

Love is something that will remain forever. Coz it's all that's really real.
Meanwhile, I'm off to search for myself and await the person who will be able to love me back as well!

P.S. as I was looking for a pic for this post I read 'love is that 'sync-ing' feeling!' Makes sense no? ;)
P.S. 2 I'm feeling muchhh better after having written it out! And I really do not care if everyone reads this entry! Even him! ;)
P.S. 3 I do believe in love. I'm cool with being single. Love it at times, actually! It's just those moments when you feel alone that it's just. . . not nice. Like driving home late at night and listening to a soft love song and not really having anyone to think about.

Party night! ! !

Hahaha. . . Did I ever mention that AIESEC is the craziest and best place that I have ever been? ?

This pic was clicked just before a party [yes, after good ol' sessions at LCong! Light ones though! :) ]

Honestly, I've never had such an expression in a pic or experimented so much with colours on my face!

And yeah, this one's the EB room. . . made ever so much popular by the presence of Noortje and Stephanie - the make-up artists for the night!

1 new rec, 1 GB member, 2 alumni, 2 interns, 2 EB members and the LCP! Diverse type pic, to say the very least! ;)

Reality? Dreams?

What exactly is real? Is it what we think and feel? Is it what we perceive? Is it what someone tells us? Something we read? Or is it just something that we imagine? Something that's a dream? How do we know?!
Been thinking about a certain LCong night a lot. A specific person. . . a specific time and situation. But there is nothing that would tell me if it was real or a dream! Was it real? Was it imagination? Was it a dream? Gosh, it's a highly disconcerting feeling when we know that something happened but we don't know whether it was in the world everyone around me visualizes, or it's the world that goes on in my mind!

There was a time I read 'Of course all this is happening in my mind, but that's no reason to believe it isn't real!'

But I still wish someone would tell me!

The past still lives on. . . somewhere

It's been over a year since I passed out of school. Weird how it feels like it was a lifetime ago! So much has happened; AIESEC happened, relationships happened, new friends- so much came and went away from me. Soaring in happiness one day and in depths of despair for something else the very next day!
It's been over a year and I look back to who I was back then. . . no one very structured. Nothing concrete at all. But all that is not what I'm thinking of right now. I'm not thinking of how I've changed or who I am now. What I am thinking of is the people I seem to have left behind. Perhaps it's just that I moved ahead.
We were quite a close knit group. 4 girls 2 guys I think. No clue about where the guys are. 1 girl is in London, one in Delhi, 1 in Chandigarh, and the last one is me, also in Chandigarh. Weird how we haven't been in touch. Weird how it's been so long since we even talked. Weird how I don't even have the phone number of the girl who's still in my city.
I know school and college are very different and that these things do happen. . . but not to have stayed in touch at all? I don't think I agree with it.
Whatever happened, happened. What am I going to do about it now? I just wish I knew!

Fragmentation and Rejeuvenation!

Today is a day when I have come back to life. It's a new start and that's why I've finally decided to start writing once more.
Frankly speaking, it's been a few days since I had been feeling a very strong sense of unreality. I felt like I was living in some alternate reality and whatever was going on around me was just plain and simple NOT real! I was feeling everything, understanding everything, changing, and doing whatever I was supposed to, but at the same time, I knew I was somewhere else. Somewhere I should not be. Somewhere I could not come back from. Trust me when I say that it was an extremely freaky point in my life when I could not discern what was real and what was truly going on around me! I honestly thought I was going crazy or something. Everything seemed so fragmented and each one of those realities seemed just so vivid and real that it was impossible to know who I was and what was going on around me.
And yes, in this kind of a mental state I was worrying about a Project, about interns in town, about being a leader, about college mess-ups, about conferences, about parent problems and everything that would make me feel that life was 'normal' and that I was 'normal'.
Deep down inside, I knew I was not.
Strong sense of unreality, mingled with an automatic and mechanical method of pretending everything is just 'fine' was going to make me go crazy.
Every time I thought I needed to sit down and cry, I couldn't. No time? Yeah, perhaps I was to scared of facing up to myself as well. Times when I thought that all these fragments and energy would burst out of me. Times when I thought I'll go insane and die.
Yes, I'm a 19 year old writing this in complete control of all my senses. 19. . . doesn't seem all that old does it?
Dreams. . . nightmares. . . nightmares where rituals and sacrificial rites were happening. . . nightmares where places were blowing up.. and yet, I was keeping my loved ones safe. I was ensuring the safety of the ones I was responsible for. And yet, I felt like I was the reason that all that chaos was reigning upon the world. It was scary beyond imagination. Every time I closed my eyes, these incidents would re-surface. Past lives? Perhaps. I wouldn't be surprised. Kinda makes me feel much older that I actually am.
Mix all this with whatever I mentioned before. The unreality, the nightmares, the responsibility to keep everyone safe and yet feel you're the reason for the destruction. . . and the desperate attempts to clutch at reality and feel yourself falling even further. I have no idea how I survived. . . I'm not all that strong. Am I?
I don't know. I don't know who I am. I like the journey of searching for myself much more than the thought of actually having found myself. But yes, times like these freak me out. Totally!
Had a really intensive session with mom today. EFT, it's called. Emotional Freedom Technique. Alternative therapy. After an outpouring of all that I've just mentioned, I went into a much deeper state of consciousness. I know I did. I saw a landscape. The drawing of a landscape. No reality. . . nothing changing in the landscape. No sense of self or of anything. Then as we progressed deeper, everything went black. Pitch dark black. And I couldn't change it. The window I visualized was swallowed up in the darkness. Then slowly. . . very slowly. . green grass started to appear on the left side.. with those tiny flower type things. Still pretty much a drawing, but more perceptible. I was guided into doing cord cutting now. Visualized a dome with shadowy figures sitting across me. They seemed shaped like Buddhas or monks. Once the cord that connected me to all known an unknown people, negative and positive energies was cut and healed, I felt my soul flowing back into me. I felt connecting to those people with love and compassion. And I felt the light engulfing me and filling me up. My sense of self. . . my sense of reality and sanity was coming back.
Till this moment I had not realized how scared and wounded I had actually been feeling. Becoming whole, or at least being in the process to becoming whole, was truly overwhelming. The initial drawing came back, but now it was just a paper in my hand and the scenery stretched out before me. The ripples in the water, the wind in my hair, the blueness of the sky, the sheer reality and never-ending change of it all brought me back to myself. . . back to reality.
Opening my eyes, I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my life before. To be given back your sense of self, your sense of reality, your sense of completeness brings about a gratitude in your heart like nothing else ever can.

That is when I put my head on my mom's shoulder and finally cried.