P.S. I love you!

So much to say, so much to do! So much to think about, so much to learn! So much to impart, so much to see!

Phew, not been able to write for so many days. . . Too many things going on in the mind!
A new team, exam next week, so much to do in the portfolio, conferences, scene at home. . . changing - or rather developing and evolving - as a person. . . soooo many things!

Right now, however, I'm just feeling 1 responsibility exceptionally strongly. Of being a daughter. It's daughter's day and despite any differences that have been there in the past few days [happens in every family!], my mom and dad just gave me a scroll and a card that says that they love me and that I'm the best! So therefore, technically speaking, I'm highly emotional and sentimental right now! ;) It's what relationships are built of right? That no matter what differences crop up, no matter how insensitive the other person (or maybe you, yourself!) seems, no matter if there is a fight .. . to know that the other person still loves you is a feeling that surpasses any other! Compromises need to be made eventually as well. . . and people need to realize that neither can they go ahead and do exactly what they want without caring about the other person, nor can they place too many restrictions on a person!

Yeah, I know. . . it's becoming a sort-of love-ish entry again! ;) I guess someone rightly told me that I have an 'ever flowing love quotient'! ;)
So here I am, thinking about the past 1-2 weeks. .. . thinking about what it means to be a family. . . thinking about how I'm still loved so much!

And yet. . . feeling like I'm growing up all too suddenly! Taking responsibility for what I do and consequences after messing up something. . . balancing different aspects in life. . . controlling my temper. . . and coping alone with what I feel. Coz someday, it's possible that there would not be anyone I can turn to and nobody who come to me and give me a hug when I cry. . .

But today, despite everything, I feel loved. Loved by family. friends, people I work with. And yeah, I'm dammmmm senti right now! ;) Wish I could tell everyone how important they are in my life and that if it wasn't for them, it would be hard to go through each day! There are so many people who support me each day and save me from falling! So many people who just have a solid presence next to me and make everything okay! :) I wish I could go to all these people and tell them how much I care! And tell the people who I may not even notice on a day-to-day basis but who are vital to the way each day shapes up for me!

It's no-one's responsibility to keep others happy, but they still do whatever they can for it! And I want to go and hug all those people who go out of their own personal space everyday to make sure that I'm happy and on the right track in my life!

It feels like I have the world in the palm of my hand. . . or, well. . . all the love in the world, anyway! :)

Everything's changing! Or. . . well . .. it's about to!

Everything's changinggg!
Feeling hysterically giggly and depressingly woeful right now!
I'm gonna change everything. . everything!
My room, my thoughts, my way of working, my academic scene, my targets vs. achieved. . . EVERYTHING!
And I'm NOT gonna give up any dream of mine for another! I'm just gonna go ahead and do it!
I am gonna go for exchange summit, no matter what!
I am gonna go well in my exam, no matter what!
I am gonna achieve all my targets, an then some.. . no matter what!
I am gonna do whatever I can to make my member's experiences better, no matter what it takes!
I am gonna make sure my scene with my family gets better, it's a priority, no matter what!
So yeah, these are just a few of the things that I want to achieve by the end of this year . ..
It's time to step up and change the way things have been.. . coz they haven't been done in the best possible way.
So yeah, even though the world seems to be a bit cold right now (or is that just coz of the fever?) I can see sunlight. .. or feel that it exists somewhere and it's coming! :D
I feel like I'm freed from desire and am inspired to achieve. . everything! Even if it takes 24 hours of wakefulness each day! Uhh. . . no, woh ho nahi payega. . overwork decreases efficiency na! ;) ;)
So yeah, here I am. . . changing everything. Coz that's what I need to do. And because of that, certain decisions seem to have gone on hold as well!
Oh well, life's like that sometimes! You know you're gonna do it coz you can, should, must, have to do it!
A certain something seems solid and strong as a rock seems to protect me from the world right now. . and a certain something makes me feel more vulnerable than I ever have been before!
I feel so small in this world, yet I feel I can change so much!

Something inside me wants this change. . . yet something is terrified to go through with it!

Oh well.. . . like they say. . ‘do one thing everyday that scares you’. I guess it’s time to go beyond that ‘one thing’.

Chase the sun!

Gonna keep goin' on! No matter what may happen!
The picture says more than words could anyway!

Chase the sun!

Lyrics of one of the few songs that can make me feel amazing

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Net not working! :(

Damn! I hate not being able to write here everyday! :( Net not working at home!
So much has been happening. . . new recs are back from NLDS [amazinggg lot! will write more later!], office is looking damn cool! And exams are going on. . . :( And exam on the first of October now. And have to go for the eXchange summit to Alibagh [need to talk to mom n dad!] and Delhi sometime as well to meet up people! And. . . arghhh! Sooo many things! Will just write it all out once the net starts working! :P
Till then, it's lots to do and lots to think about!
Am loving each and every moment of my life right now!

Another step in my journey. . . Redefining myself and my relationship with love.

Hmm.... wellll, today did turn out to be an interesting day after all! Didn't think that anything else that happened today would merit a mention in the blog after having already written an entry today but. . . I guess I was proved wrong!

How much of it should I write? ummm. . . just enough for me to have 'written it out' and not enough for you to deduce exactly what happened! Besides, I just realized that my blog may freak out most of you who are quite reserved about what they feel and don't like to talk about it [hey, hang on, I do that too!] and to see someone writing everything out and laying it out as the bare truth they can't see usually, would, I admit, be mildly freaky! Yeah, it is a little explicit about what I think and about things that people may not agree to. Yeah, it is overly frank and honest. Yeah, it's wayyyy more talkative than I am in person! ;) [obvv, I'm the only one writing here! mwahahaha (evil laugh: totally without reason!)] 

Well, anyway, back to the point. Here I am, at a very strange point of time in my life. 'Trying to' just 'get over it' now. And probably will too! Soon enough! More than the actual conversation I just had, it's memories of others that I'm thinking back to as I'm going back to my life. I remember a certain friend telling me 'you can get any guy you're really crazy about!' [ironically, I had a crush on this guy before!] And I remember another friend from my EB telling me 'I can't even begin to tell you how strong you are as a person. Dunno how I would have dealt with all that you have in life' And I remember another friend saying 'Chill, he wasn't worth the hurt anyway!' and I remember a friend just listening to me while I kept talking and talking and talking. It's ironic how I'm so spontaneous sometimes and so held back at others. What I think about love? Well, like always, I still believe it's the only real thing in the world! What do I think about the lovey dovey type of love? Ummm, works for sure, a bit tough sometimes, not understood by most people, too little in the world, and taken as a tragedy by people when it doesn't work out! Seriously, does is matter all that much if they love you back in the same amount or way that you love them? Did you set all these conditions before loving them? Well, in that case, it's ridiculous to call it love! Call if affection, passion, crush, infatuation or whatever, but don't call it love! I don't profess to be in love right now, nor do I claim that this kind of unconditional love lasts forever. I'm just saying that this is what I believe! And I believe it to be true! Love does not have to be forever. No, wait, Love is forever, but it's not the same kinda love and not necessarily the same person! Hehe, I like the way I think sometimes! Love is just energy, and that can be transformed! And it's limitless! 

Sometimes, it isn't all that bad being single. It's quite cool in fact! It's just that sometimes, thodi sad si feeling ati hai! But just sometimes! Being single actually makes you want to complete yourself. And ideally, loving someone is to share your completeness with them, not just use them to make yourself complete! That's where all the problems come! 

I'm just in a drifting state now [don't get me wrong, this random, drifting state of mine is not very visible when I'm at work these days!] and I'm feeling love [I repeat for the zillionth time on by blog - not just the lovey dovey kind!] and I love it!

Well anyway, I don't know the way forward from now on, but I think I do know the attitude I need to have.

P.S. I really like the pic!

P.P.S. What's weird is how the past has been coming back to me lately. People and friendships I thought would never come back! I like it! ;)

 

Anger! :(

Okayyy... so here I am in the AIESEC office on a cleaning day. Painting a small showcase type thing in the conference room. Covered with paint, wall putty, dust and god-knows-what! Usually it would have been counted as one of those good exciting and fun days .. .but guess what! I'm thoroughly pissed off and not without reason!

And no, I'm not even gonna write it out here coz those 'people' have this blog id and are gonna read it for sure!

All I can say is, that sometimes things bug me to an extent where I can't control my anger [rare, but it happens] and they are things which I shouldn't even be bothered about! And if I tell anyone, it aint gonna even make sense to them So now's the time to stay shut and write it out on paper at home. 

Meanwhile, I'm listening to the song - so sick of love songs. .  And right now I can honestly say that I'm bugged with all of humanity! Even though I know it won't last long, right now EVERYONE is in the category of people I'm bugged with!

P.S. I would do almost anything right now to not still be in love! Damn it!

 

Love-flow!

I'm upset. 

It's just sooo irritating to be short-tempered! And to not let anyone know it! :S I'm feeling like a caged up animal right now and feel like smashing apart everything in sight! And I have no clue why I'm feeling the

 way I do! I guess that am bugged coz I'm feeling sort of helpless and tired of

 fighting as well. Helpless to do anything and tired of fighting and pushing myself to achieve something! Pessimistic? Yes!

It feels like I don't have any sort of control over myself and what I'm doing. Actually, no! It feels like I have total control over everything that I'm doing, but that I'm doing the wrong things! :(

As for the usual ponderings about love, I've decided it exists. Not only that, it's the only thing in the world that does exist [and no, not just the lovey dovey type!]. And that some

times, people and their love is meant to be present in your life only briefly, and at other times, you're just meant to love someone unconditionally.

I was reading the other day where it mentioned why people choose to be born in families where there are issues like drugs, absence of a member of the family-emotional or phyical absence. And it did strike me that it's because we need to learn a very valuable lesson of unconditional love. In fact, the book said that it was the ultimate lesson that a soul needs to learn and is essential. I think that's why I trust and love people so easily and am able to get over the pain so easily as well [touchwood!]. Absence of a parent or even a sibling does teach you a lot. I honestly think that despite my short temper, at times, I do love everyone that I know . . . or don't know! And even when it comes to the romantic type of love, I find it easy enough to love someone. Coz I can see that there is something to learn from each person and the flow of love is just so natural that it's quite hard to stop it [trust me, it's tough! I'm doing whatever I can to stop it!]. And yet, I know that if and when it doesn't work out [like, 100% surety!] it wouldn't really hurt me that much! Coz I sent out love to a person and to the universe. And if the love didn't come back from the same source, it's okay! Coz love is limitless! You can give love each living moment of your life and there would be plenty left over! It just seems so easy to love a person! It flows so naturally! And stopping it feels ridiculous as well. Hey, I just realized, that I'm probably not gonna gain anything from not falling in love! I guess I'll just let it flow freely. Esp since now I know that love, or the absence of it's reciprocation from that source, can't hurt me! Revelation - love cannot ever hurt you. No matter what happens! Your beliefs, perceptions, desires, changes are more likely to cause hurt than love would. Coz love is a feeling. . . a positive feeling that flows limitlessly! 

Somehow that caged animal inside me is feeling quite pacified now! And seemingly has a nice love-ish feeling growing in the heart! 

I accept that I love everyone in this cosmos. And yes, I even accept that love can flow uni-directionally and I'm not afraid anymore. :)

Running away from safety? Or just realizing am a part of everything that exists?

Running away from safety. . . I used to wonder why anyone would run away from what is safe, secure and comfortable. And yet, here I am today doing exactly that - running away from safety!

Being safe is good, but stagnant after a while. I just feel that it's the easy way out coz until you take some risk, you aren't really going to achieve much. Until you break out of the comfort zone you live in and do something that scares you, how are you going to learn anything at all?!

 

Sometimes solutions seem so easy and. . . well, safe! But that's exactly why they won't work. There's a difference in a thing being simple and easy. Simple is not necessary easy. But isn't 'easy' just a perception as well? 

 

Safety is what I've always believed in, what I've been doing all my life. But I don't think that safety is satisfying right now. Feel like breaking apart everything present in my world. . . everything! Even in love, loving someone is a risk. It's running away from safety, in a way. Who knows if the other person will love you back? Who knows if it's going to work? Who knows how it's going to affect your life? Who knows anything at all?! 

 

Everything that has a beginning has to have an end. So, eventually everything ends right? Or is that just an illusion we harbour and actually everything stays but just gets transformed into something else? Does love have an end? Or does it just change into something else? Do we ever die? Our bodies go back to the earth that sustained them. Our soul never really had a physical definition on earth anyway so I believe it lives on. So what changes? What remains constant? About running away from safety, is any place safe at all? Or is any place unsafe at all? 

Gosh, I feel like I've got all the opposites of the world inside me and yet, they aren't fighting over which is more powerful! They're co-existing! I'm not too sure if that makes me into an extreme person or a balanced one. True enough, I usually don't freak out and even when I do, people don't really get to know! Well, most of them anyway!

So yeah, a lot of things going on in my mind. Besides the usual practical to-do-list.  Thinking about 'energy' and how it isn't created or destroyed. Just transformed! Read a book and since then, I'm feeling like I'm a part of everything in this cosmos! This body didn't appear out of thin air, so it's made up of things from all over the world. Water travels everywhere, in fact, everything in the world is so connected that it's just impossible to imagine it to not be 'one'! I'm a part of everything and everything is a part of everything else. I was never born and I will never die. I'll just transform into something else eventually.

There's a flame that's burning inside me that makes me love everyone and everything on this earth. No, not the emotional way [that's just a few people! ;)] but in a whole, complete and accepting sort of way! Coz, I'm supposed to love myself right? And if the whole world is a part of me, I guess I should love it all too! :D

Hehe, something in me seems to have broken free today. [possibly I'm just fighting off the fever! ;)] Love seems to engulf everything [yes, even though am veryyy irritable with fever!] and everything seems to be a part of something else! 

And yeah, I think I do still believe in love, the emotional type. Somewhere in my heart, that flame is still there!

 

On a road to nowhere, and I'm trying to escape!

Today was a good type day, mostly. But it's been rather messed up since evening. Down with fever and have a hugeee load of pending work! Anddd to top that off, am feeling bugged and irritated! Not helping much. 

Everything feels just so. . . ridiculous right now! Unreal and not-quite-there! Wish I could go for a movie, or a drive or something like that. Usually helps!

Listening to this song 'we're all made of stars'. Sorta calming effect actually, but possibly not enough.

Today, everything feels like it's been turned upside down. Invariably, everything I hold close to my heart seem to be the very things I want to push away from myself right now. Somehow, everything I believe in seems to be falling apart right now. Everything that really matters to me is edging away from me and my life as I know it. 

Something tells me that I either have to change utterly and completely, or be content to live a life that I do not even want tyo live!

Love seems like just a concept right now, and a ridiculous one at that! And the fact that this thought is there in my mind, is the most ridiculous thing of all!

Damn, I should just go and take medicine and sleep. Before my world shreds itself apart and I'm left to build myself alone. Damn this fever, I think I'll go delirious soon!

Damn, I should just go and take medicine and sleep. Before my world shreds itself apart and I'm left to build myself alone. Damn this fever, I think I'll go delirious soon!

I feel like I'm on a road to nowhere, and I don't really like this thought right now.

P.S. I know this is just a phase and that I'll probably be back to my usual, positive, and happy self by tomorrow! :D

Random!

I made a cake!

Chocolate! :D

Weird how cake ingredients are so weird and tasteless separately, but when put together in the right amount, sequence and cooked properly, they make such an amazing thing! [and no, I'm being quite general here, not talking about my cake specifically!]

I think people are like that as well, umm. . no, souls are like that! It's an illusion that an experience which makes no sense is useless as well. It's a part of a larger plan to make the holistic experience of the soul better. Isn't it?

Khair, am not in a very philosophical mood right now. Feel like being khuppi, just that I'm just not khuppi by nature! :( I love khup and conversations! Just that am not as good at initiating them and carrying them forward. .. hmm, should do something about that! Abhi toh I feel like going for a movie. And then chilling somewhere, preferably the lake, or coffee somewhere! Anyway, I'm pretty happy right now as well! Chatting to an old friend with whom I had lost touch. Interesting how we just stopped talking and now just started talking again! It feels really good. :) Gonna go to Delhiiiii sometime to meet up! Pakka se!

Yeah, I know, veryyy random blog entry, but I guess I want it to be this way!

Had an EBM today. Quite random intially, but quite interesting outputs [proper work type!] by the end of it. :) Gonna paint the office tomorrow. . . yayee!

So yeah, today's entry is brief and random. Coz I like that part of life as well! :)