Surrender, stagnation and a bit of happiness.

So firstly, the universe has a way of doing whatever it can to make sure you do what's best for you. According to it, anyway. ;) You can keep running after it, but if it's not supposed to happen, and you surrender to the universe, it makes things much easier. And no, I do not mean that it's a way of life to just sit around waiting for signals. You must do what you think is right, but when the time comes to surrender, be strong enough to sit down and accept it.

Secondly. Umm. . life seems to have stagnated. Or perhaps it is in a transitional phase and does not want to do much. Every day melts into the next, with me doing nothing spectacular on a daily basis. And yet it doesn't feel oppressive most of the time. Yeah, sometimes it's a bit depressing, but swimming can take care of that. ;)

Thirdly, I'm still convinced that if someone cannot take care of their health, they cannot be said to be managing their lives well. So striving to get at least that part in order. Bit by bit, easy does it. Not much of an outward change yet, but the endorphin high feels awesome! ;)

Till the next random post, ta ta! :) :)

Random updates.. :)

Random update:
swimming is awesome! Now I just need to build stamina n do more of it in the one hour I go there! 200 m (approx) ain't much when ur just doing breadths of 10 m each. Hmm.. Let's try lengths next time!

Mowed the lawn (well, half of it anyway! ) with dad and phew, it's tiring! But fun too somehow. :) still have half the lawn and some tired muscles left! :)

No change in weight I guess, but I feel happier (endorphins?) n better anyway!

Bringing in more changes slowly, turning this life into what I want it to be!

P. S. Made pizza today! ;) so much for today's good food plan!

Yes yes, Universe, I'm listening. ;)

Kahani mein twist!

Looks like the universe doesn't want me to change myself. Every time I try (and this time I was serious!), it gives a million signals to tell me to stop right there!

So evidently, I must continue being who I am, whether I like it or not (perhaps it's just a nicer feeling day, but the presence of active dislike is missing!).

So I guess it's only a couple of life changing tweaks that I can do right now. The universe will conspire to take me where I should be.

The funny thing is that even though the universe conspires to give you what you reallyyy want, it would make sure you go on the path it thinks is right (IF you surrender completely to the higher power). Interesting thing, this life is.

And there seems to be a change today. The way the wind blows, the way the sun shines, and the music plays.
Oh well, looks like I have to stay on with being me. And being in touch (however rare) with the people I love. So yeah, life's working out again (although I think I should do that too!)

Oh, and did I mention, swimming is awesome! :) Jumped into 14 feet of water today. ;)

Listening to what the universe is saying. It knows this world better than I do. . !

Main tenu samjhawan ki. . .

New favorite!

Enough

Enough.

Everything changes. Right now.

Nothingness, focusless, weak.

I don't see happiness. I don't see sadness. I don't see life, or death. It's just an empty void, that refuses to go away. A chasm that's been growing over the years and refuses to fill.

It's surprising how I can still act normal with most people. Act.

There is nothingness, numbness, indifference and all the other emotions I don't want to be a part of my essential being. I cannot see life ahead and I do not trust myself with it anymore.

Giving it to someone else to handle now. I don't know what I want, what's good and what's not. I cannot lead this life myself now. At least for a while.

I may seem strong sometimes but I'm not. I'm just numb. All the hurt just goes and buries itself somewhere, waiting and biding its time.

I don't know how to lead this life anymore. I do not trust myself with something so important. Time for someone else to step in. . .

And I don't want any help. This is a journey I must endure alone.

Watching, waiting, and still not feeling anything.

Let go. Change. Goodbye.

I love you too much to hold on to this anymore. I'm letting it go, right here, right now.
It's not going to be easy, and perhaps it's going to take a lot of time. Till then I'll stay content with not letting it show that I still care.

And not just you, today I am letting go and cutting away everything familiar, everything known and comfortable. I don't like who I've become, I don't trust this someone I'm turning into. I don't care who I'm going to be from today onward, but it most certainly won't be the current me.

I'll miss the me that exists in this time and space, but it's time to let go of her. To let go of almost everything she holds dear and everyone she loves.

I know I have to change, because life will not go on this way. But I want you, specially, to know that you have been loved.
And the rest of the people too. Perhaps our paths will cross again once I am somebody else. I hope you recognize me and still care, because in a small locked up part of my heart, you will all be there.

It's time for a goodbye, and a time to change. Forever. May you never know who I really am nor what I am thinking right now.

Perhaps we shall meet again someday, and it would be just like the old days. Perhaps I shall be strong enough to be who I once used to be. But until then, goodbye.

[Wavin Flag] When I get older. . .

When I get older
I will be stronger
they'll call me freedom
just like a wavin flag

Born to a throne, stronger than Rome
but violent prone, poor people zone,
But it's my home, all I have known,
Where I got grown, streets we would roam.
But out of the darkness, I came the farthest,
Among the hardest survival.
Learn from these streets, it can be bleak,
Accept no defeat, surrender, retreat,

So we struggling, fighting to eat and
We wondering when we'll be free,
So we patiently wait, for that fateful day,
It's not far away, so for now we say

When I get older
I will be stronger
I'll make it better
struggle no longer
a wavin flag. . .

When I get older
I will be stronger
they'll call me freedom
just like a wavin flag


So many wars, settling scores,
Bringing us promises, leaving us poor,
and in this situation when there's no compensation,
they got no occupation, can't buy no medication,
see it's a combination, no education,
we could never get it, say tomorrow's generation.
They can't control us, they can't hold us down.

So we struggling, fighting to eat and
We wondering when we'll be free,
So we patiently wait, for that fateful day,
It's not far away, so for now we say

When I get older
I will be stronger
I'll make it better
struggle no longer
a wavin flag. . .

When I get older
I will be stronger
they'll call me freedom
just like a wavin flag

Gratitude is all there is right now.

Today I saw a person who was charged for rape. . . of a 3 year old girl.
The feeling of repulsion, disgust, sorrow and horror is indescribable. I cannot even imagine what could have driven him to do something so heinous and what trauma it would have caused the poor child.

And I heard about a farmer, who's influential neighbor charged him with theft of two plants, got him in jail for 2 1/2 years, and is now trying to take over his land. And a man who was trying to save his burning wife after the stove exploded (getting half his body burnt in the process) and then being charged for murder by the relatives after she succumbed to the injuries. A man who was convicted for poisoning his wife, who had actually poisoned herself coz of mental ill health. And these are some of the good people in prison. Good people under trial or convicted for something they haven't even done. God alone knows the actual criminals and what they have done.

Although, the rapists and the wife beaters are treated as the absolute scum even in jails. Strange, how prison hierarchy would work.

It's a tough world out there. And I feel grateful for being blessed with the situations and people I have. Sure, there are problems, but when you think of the people who live in conditions like these, your problems seem inconsequential, insignificant and utterly ridiculous.

Living life is important. And I know that I cannot merely exist now, even if I try. There is too much beauty and love in this world, and I am blessed to have a share in it.

Perhaps I am witnessing a miracle here, but only time will tell if someone has truly changed or not. Till then, hope is the strategy, and there is gratitude to the universe for everything.
I'm just happy you're safe, and home again.

Jeez. . . what a day! (till now)

Already been to the hospital, bank and court. Only jail left now!!

I officially dislike going to any of the aforementioned places. Ugh.

Twisting and turning.

It's kinda weird not making contact with anyone. Well, not initiating it at all, and just replying instead.

But it doesn't feel as though anyone is far off. Possibly it's because of the music. There are songs which remind me of each and every one, more songs of you, but it keeps me sane. It keeps me positive and helps me cope.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm turning inside out coz of all that's happening. But the feeling passes, and life goes on.

So thanks to all the songs we heard together, sang together, danced to together, and even ones which remind me of you even if you haven't heard them. :)

Life's like that, with twists and turns. Some full stops and sometimes the road finishes and you fall off a cliff. Even so, all is well. It could have been much worse. Whatever's happening is for the best.

All I know is that I am being irrevocably changed in some way. Good or bad, I don't know. But let the change happen. . . willingly, with the flow.

Till then, breathe. Just breathe.

:)

Just an FYI and expression of gratitude.

My mommy n daddy are the bestest everrrr!! Like evaaaa!!! :)

Better this way.

At the end of the day, I know it's good you don't love me in that way. There are things in my life which I hope you shall never have to experience. And I want your life to be a happier one, without adding on these complications.

And I know I'm not someone who would be good for you. I'm antisocial, erratic, illogical, indifferent and cold. You need someone like the person I sometimes wish I was.

But I'm not that someone. And I'm not good for you, in that way or any other. Nor for anyone else. So i'm strangely glad you don't love me. And I'm glad that my caring for you does not run my whole life too. I know it's just a part, important, but not my whole life.

Situation is as I wish it. I just wish I could make more of an effort to be better friends, coz you are an amazing person n I would want to know you forever.

I also know it's best for me to search for myself at this time in my life. I'm turning into nothing, becoming a part of the nothingness if the universe. Which is good, but it's happening of it's own accord n I want it to be conscious. Completely.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, and whether I shall have that weak moment I'm afraid of.

Till then, I hope. For deliverance from all that's happening now. To have the strength to carry on.

It's better this way. What I shall do, who I shall be in the next few weeks. Honestly. It's better this way, so trust me on that. N that's for everyone, not just you.

Numb, but holding on, still hoping.

Hope like it's going to come true, react numbly every time it doesn't change. Life's tough that way. Seeing your loved ones slowly kill themselves. Not good.

And not good living each day like this, hoping and dying and moving on.

There's a difference between being all accepting (like saints) and indifferent/numb (like us). What hurts is the knowledge that even though it doesn't hurt as much as it used to, or get the same reactions, this feeling finds its way into every emotion. Happiness isn't so happy anymore, and sorrow about anything doesn't touch you as much as it used to.

But this isn't about me. It's about you and what you are doing. Maybe you don't realize it, but your actions have consequences and effects on other peoples' lives too.

I hope it changes this time. I hope you get better. I hope there's a day when everything is better than it is right now. I miss you, the real you. And I want you back.
Coz someone told me how important it is to hold on, and I will. Always. Even if it changes me into someone I don't want to be. I'll hold on. Coz you're family.

Swimming! :)

Random update.

Been going for swimming for 6 days now, and I think it's absolutely awesome to get up early n go jump in the pool!! :) Feeling slightly achy breaky, but good!! :)

You can't lose much weight by swimming, but it's a great way get your body moving. It's low impact, strengthens muscles, and makes you realize how awesome you feel after some exercise. :)

At least something's started. Long way to go, but enjoying the journey nevertheless! :)

Of course!

Of course I love you!

Of course everyone knows!

Of course I'm not going to tell you!

Of course I know that you know!

Of course I know there ain't a future here!

Of course I want to talk more, know more, meet more!

Of course I know 'the one' for you is out there somewhere, and it isn't me!

Of course I think of you when I listen to almost any song!

Of course I think about you a million times a day!

Of course I know you don't love me in that way!

And of course, that doesn't change anything. . .

Indifferent, empty, cold. . . and some fear

So what is your greatest fear? Right here, right now. . ?

A heartbreak? Death? 2012? Spiders? The dark? Not being awesomely successful?

Or indifference? Because strangely, I realized that I'm not truly afraid of anything except becoming indifferent, cold and unfeeling. True, I'm not a people person, but I've never been indifferent to situations, people, and possible futures. And I think I may become that someday. And I don't think I like that.

I'm not indifferent, or cold, or unfeeling, or a block of ice. But sometimes I feel that I may be. And I may be freezing up even more inside. Everything shouldn't be so easy. Dealing with emotions must be more complicated than this! Either somewhere I'm sure about what I feel, or maybe I am just becoming more untouched by the intensity of emotions. I think it's the latter though.

I've always wanted to live life intensely, rather than blandly. But I'm just not that kind of a person, and everything goes by, and life goes on, and nothing lasts.

And there are people who hurt you deliberately over and over again, but you still hang on to them, coz that's the right thing to do. Even when you think of breaking off, a sign comes that tells you to hold on. And eventually, over the years, you turn cynical, untouched by even your own pain, and capable of dealing with whatever life deals out. Which is good because you're stronger than your circumstances, but bad because hardly anything creates a flurry of emotions or induces a part of your heart to clench.

I don't like the heart freezing over like this. I want that it should feel pain when there is pain, and love when there is love. I don't want this huge void and just a small part of the heart functioning.

Of course, it's good that the pain never hurts so much anymore, but unfortunately, the happiness and love doesn't reach either.

So that's my biggest fear. Not to be able to strike a balance. Not be able to overcome the emptiness that's taking over everything. Not being able to change this.

The ironic part? I realized this about 5 minutes after feeling intense anxiety about another individual.
Hah. . . life!