I love you.

Warning: long and random entry. Read at your own risk.

I just realized that truth, love, trust, hate, sadness, happiness etc etc isn't REAL. It's an emotion felt by a person and it's real only for them. It's just a word for the rest of the world.

Sometimes, it feels like doesn't exist anymore. Especially when I hear about people I used to trust, and perhaps, just perhaps, love too. There were people I had grown to love and trust, perhaps against my better judgment. Ah, the innocent idealistic teen. . . ever ready to trust and love. But what the heck, I'm 20 now and I still trust people just as much and just as easily, though maybe I don't give anyone the room to break the trust, or just don't hold them close enough to my heart to ever need to question integrity.

Is it 'growing up' when you become wary of people? Is it maturity when you start building a wall between yourself and everyone else? Is it a part of growing up to make yourself less dependent on others and not let them hurt you?? Is it right to assume that there will be hurt in every relationship and to watch out for it??

I'm not sure what I believe anymore, but I do know that a LOT of people do not have integrity in their relationships. It could be romantic, or just friendship. I can't seem to understand why people find it so hard to be honest. I know there are times and situations where you don't want to, and where your relationship with that person is like that. And it's okay.

I think this entry is going rather randomly, but it's probably because there are a lot of thoughts going on in my mind which I can't seem to link up. My relationships with certain people [or well, ex-relationships. Not necessarily romantically inclined], others relationships. . . and trying to connect them and watching how it's tough to see even one couple who loves each other unconditionally.

There are so many compromises we live with, so many times we just 'live with it', but why should love be like that?? It's difficult to understand why people chain love and put a burden of conditions on it.

'I love you'. It's such a simple sentence yet over-used and misunderstood by people. 'I' is in 'love' with 'you'. Not that my mind tells me that we click together, not that my mind says we should be together. When we say 'I', it involves every particle of our being, our mind, body and soul. When we say 'you', it means the person as a whole. Everything about them! And then there is 'love', which links 'I' and 'you'. Love, which holds no compromises, no conditions. Love. . which just. . . IS! Love, which pervades ever corner of the universe.

But you know what is the best part about 'I love you.'?? It's the full stop at the end. That little dot that completes the sentence and says 'nope, no conditions. What had to be said, has been said, and here it finishes.' It's the full-stop that truly removes all conditions and makes 'I love you.' into a complete sentence. Non dependent on anything or anyone else.

Does 'I love you' seem quite so simple now?? If it doesn't, then you haven't ever truly meant it. Never felt the gravity behind it. And if you think it is simple, then congrats, you find it naturally easy to love and cannot accept any other kind of love than this. :)

I think of so many 'I love you' s that I wasted on people who didn't deserve it. The good thing is that no1 can hurt me now, I simply don't give that power to most people. The bad thing is, that memories and regrets remain. And sometimes cause a funny sensation, which could be pain, but I'm not sure I still care enough to feel the pain, or indeed, anything from them.

I've moved beyond indifference with them. And I know that there is a 0% chance that they would ever read this, but if they do all I would want to say is this; 'At one point of time, I loved you. I don't regret that. I regret that you let it go and didn't honor it. You desecrated it and I was foolish enough to give you the power to hurt me. But you know what?? None of that matters to me now' . . .

And it's true. I've disconnected in a way I never did anymore. I'm not even sure why I'm writing all this in such a random way, and I'm sure that hardly anyone would be able to understand it. . . but that's okay. Consider it to be the last outpourings of a teenager who believed in a different kind of love. . .

And despite everything, or maybe because of it all, right now, in my life, I'm happy. I have people in my life I can say 'I love you' to and really mean it. There are people who I love unconditionally. . . and I'm happy. And to those who know I love them. . . here it is, once more, just for you, now and forever:

I love you. Full stop. :)