BROKEN

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

Oh well.. And so time goes by..

Searching for some inner strength, to combat the inner demons that make me go crazy!!

Searching, but afraid of what I'll find.

Why is it so important to think about everything n so hard to just let go?? Why is there a nagging voice that says I'm not strong enough, even if I am??
I shall not mess it up. You're too important to me as a person, n this is one of the best n most challenging times of your life. I refuse to be the one to make it tougher n to screw it up. That's my last decision on the matter.

So THERE!! :|

Fun type evening! :)

Listened to a love long and didn't feel senti/sad at all! (time's a-changing!)

Feels like everything is in perspective and that I have everyone and everything I would ever want! :) An amazing evening, very relaxed and full of intricate little things that one should keep in mind forever.

All in all, wondering why on earth I was feeling so troubled before. And feeling more happy shiny and warm n fuzzy than ever before! More of a family-ish kinda way though. :) :)

Why do we HAVE to know everything about everything?

Ah well, the mind is such a complex phenomenon! And the heart even more so.
How would you really know what it is you feel? I mean, how do you really really know it?

Which has not (finally) brought me to this question; does it really matter? Do you really have to know everything about how you feel and why?? Whyy?! Besides, when you make a perception (even about yourself) you subconsciously beolieve that it shall last forever, which is obviously not the case.
People change, so do their thoughts and emotions. And the situations around them. I asked someone yesterday (yet another what-is-love discussion!) 'Do all special things have to last forever? Can't it be special even if it's for a short time?'.

Therefore, the conclusion is that I don't really know what I think or feel (I have some perceptions of course, but who knows what the subconscious and unconscious mind are thinking?, and that's ok. :)

I also believe (at this moment in time) that I do not love you in 'that' way anymore even though I respect, love and admire infinitely the person you are, with all the flaws and wonderful qualities. Perhaps tomorrow I shall realize that I am just trying to convince myself of something that is not, and that I do like you in 'that' way. It's ok for me to not know, because either way, this does not entail any responsibility nor does it mean that I am going to go out n say anything to you anyway.

I know everything sounds as though I am hopelessly confused, but I am not. Well, at least it doesn't feel that way. It feels calm not, since there is no time or energy going into pondering over the scenario anymore. Whatever is, is! Or isn't!

Besides we have thousands of thoughts each day. Attempting to hash out each and every oone would be rather fruitless and frustrating.

Enough of rambling on for now, I have to now go and bake, for another special someone who I am missing! :)

Cmon, they're just words!!

I wonder why we have started calling everything awesome or amazing, and other perfectly good English words don't seem to mean as much as they used to. Ok, we like using some words more than other, and we like it when others identlfy us by them too, but it seems slightly weird by now. Perhaps it's because there's a lot of extra thought space that's been created in my mind and it's yearning to let out some randomness previously unnoticed.

Still, I do think that brilliant, wonderful, lovely are great words and I should use them as often as I can. Besides, shouldn't people identify u with the kind of things you say and mean, rather than the random snippets and oft used phrases??

Think!!

Y'know, I really wonder why we spend so much time thinking about non productive things.
If u like it, do it. If you don't, then chuck it! And why does it take so much to make us happy sometimes?? What happened to us being eternal beings of love, light and joy??

Sheesh. Starting right this moment, I am going to erase any thought that I think would create clutter in my head and stop me from being the essentially joyous person I am meant to be.

Don't get me wrong, thinking is a good thing. It's the best way to keep your brain working well n to remain sane. But random clutter doesn't help. Really. Even if you're planning an event or doing something that needs concentration n thought, would it not be better if your mind was trained to think in an easygoing and productive manner??

Think about it. ;)

Decision to study: check!

It's making an effort that really counts. If you try hard enough, you can get pretty much anything. . .

Starting to study reallyyyy properly from tomorrow, and gonna clear up and prettyfy the room too so that I feel more study-ish.

Feeling happy shiny right now, and it has nothing to do with the books right here, but a lot to do with what's going on in the mind!

Apt

Not my thoughts, not my words. Found these elsewhere, but they seemed apt:

I've never told you,what I should have said.
There's so much things in my head,I have too many things to say.
So many things you never knew,so many times I've thought of you.
Ready to let go,but I've never known I'd be missing. Missing so much,
So when can I let go? Maybe I should just keep my thoughts to myself. Indeed.

There is no reality except the one contained within us. That is why so many people live such an unreal life. They take the images outside themselves for reality and never allow the world within to assert itself.

To shine is better than to reflect

Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity.

The heart is what matters most of all

Today, you inspired me

Today is a perfect day for lying down and staring at the clouds and realizing how beautiful life really is

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench, even if there's plenty of space on both sides.

You can't expect to find the right someone until you know who you are, what you want and what makes your heart happy. (although, shouldn't it be WHO you want and WHO makes you heart happy??)

I used to like that song, but then it got popular and overplayed.

DFTBA (Don't forget to be awesome)!

No-one gets tired of loving,
But everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing promises, saying sorry and all the hurting.


Dear best friend,
I love you more daily. i wish you could see yourself the way i see you and i wish you could love yourself the way i love you. and i wish your life is everything you deserve because, in my opinion, you deserve the world. i will stand by you forever and my heart will always belong to you.


Next time you think about wonderful things, don't forget to count yourself in :)

Never never ever give up

So. . . I think I love you

Monsters are real, and so are ghosts. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.

It's not enough to assume you know best and to treat others the way you would want to be treated, which means defining them by your own paradigms and frameworks. Instead you must learn to respect the other enough to really pay attention, listen, and learn, and let them have the power to define themselves. Treat them as they want to be treated

Sometimes I'm afraid of listening to the cute songs on the radio, coz they remind me of how afraid I am of ending up alone.

When I was 5 years old, my mom told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I said 'happy'. They said I didn't understand the assignment. I guess they didn't understand life.

In this world of numbness and information overload, the ability to feel. . . . is a rare gift indeed.

Even if it's not your fault, it's your responsibility.

One form of loving is when you just want the best for someone, whether it includes you or not. :) :)

We all wanna believe in love, we all wanna believe in something bigger than just us. We all wanna be a part of the greater picture.

Be awesome!

There is no-one who is youer than you!

Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it, you feel it.

I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you.

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

Life is too short to wake up with regrets,
So love the people who treat you right,
Forget about the ones who don’t,
Believe everything happens for a reason,
If you get a chance, take it & if it changes your life, let it.

Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it

:)

There's just SO much we can do, and yet we remain fixed in our comfort zone and even if we do venture out, we're not always the best of who we are.
Too much caution, too much fear. Throw caution to the winds and go live your life!

Coz only when you're doing the absolute best you can, with everything, will you truly feel happy. :)

Put some music in your life, and do what makes you happy.

Read this somewhere:

Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want the most. Even your hopes and dreams.

Let go

Let go. It's good even if it isn't easy.

Turn a new leaf, build a new life and hang on to what is real is loved forever.

It's a crazy life, and I realized today how much time we spend wasting it away (yes, it took me 21 years to have this flash of insight quite so strongly. Never been SO strong before).

So, I've decided to not ruminate on the matters which are just not going to help me and rather work upon the aspects which would get some output at least. :)

I'm not sure what brought this fact to my mind so strongly today, but let's hope it lasts for a while at least. Until I start thinking about you again! :S

Full Moon

Full moon:
Crazy about this song. :)



When the thorn bush turns white thats when I'll come home,
I am going out to see what i can sow,
And i don't know where I'll go,
But i don't know what I'll see,
But I'll try not to bring it back home with me.

Like the morning sun your eyes will follow me,
As you watch me wander, curse the powers be
'Cos all i want is here right now,
But its already been and gone,
Our attentions always last that bit too long.

Ooh ooh,

Far far away, no voices sounding, no one around me, and you're still there.

Far far away,no choices passing, no time confounds me, and you're still there.

In the Full moon's light i listen to the stream,
And in between the silence, hear you calling me,
But i don't know where i am,
And i don't trust who I've been,
And If i come home how will i ever leave
Ooh, ooh

Ok, so WHAT is so romantic n appealing about a vampire in love with a human and then a werewolf in the story too??! Reading Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.
It's too intense n full of love n strength. I love it. Makes u think that we re all extraordinary n there is someone out there for each of us. :) and a good life.

A woman of substance

Reading this book always inspires me. It makes me realize that I have to work hard if I want to get what I want to.
And it makes me realize that family is important. And it doesn't matter where u start from, as long as u do! N that we mess up sometimes n so do the people around us, and it would save a lot of heartache if we just let it go sometimes. And that love comes in many forms. That u have to compromise on some things, sometimes. And never compromise on the really important things like honesty, love and hard work.
And it makes me realize how good n capable we can all be. And that we are truly not responsible for the actions of other individuals, no matter how close we may be to them.
And of course, it reminds me that love is crazy and powerful beyond measure. And that one person can go a long way to build what they want and make a difference.
We need to adapt according to the people around us, be soft n understanding or harsh n strict as the need may be. And about generosity n selflessness.
It's one of those few books I read time n again, to remind myself of what is possible, what we must hold on to and what it could take to get what u want. It's the story of 'A woman of substance' :) :)

P.S. I like the title. It reminds me of the amazing women I know. And this story.

Exam time!

Crap. I can NOT afford to go to pieces like this. Not because of YOU!! Not happening dude. Not happening.  

Probably coz of exams. I'm thinking even less logically than usual. Right now, the thoughts are barely coherent. Oh wait, they're not coherent at ALL!! 

Damnnnn... This is so not happening. Not coz of u ( ok, technically ur not doin anything n it's all my fault ) n not again!!

And here I was thinking that I might just start thinking properly now that the exams are coming n I should be in that thinking logically kinda mode. Clearly, NOT!! 

Ignore and walk away...

I hate feeling helpless and out of options. Possibly I'm not thinking straight but the only way to escape being disturbed by the situation is to ignore it and walk away. And pretend it doesn't exist.

Yeah, like THAT ever helps! Much. Better than nothing. Better than sitting and moping, listening to the voices and knowing you're helpless to really change anything.
Ain't that easy. But ain't too tough to live by ( when u consider the options ).

Oh well, such is life. . .

Till there's a solution I see, this situation is gonna have me behaving like an ostrich. Like it buries it's head under the ground, and just because it can't SEE the problem, it doesnt mean it's not there. As it's been for the last couple of years.

Facing weird dreams. And a weirder reality!! :S

Opposites and confusion, but a bit of surety.

Still living in a world of opposites. My personal universe has decided to not only make opposites exist, but to make them exist uncomfortably close to each other.
Feeling rather cynical about the whole concept of love, and occasionally the feeling as well. Though only the romantic type. And yet, I believe its reality, its purity if it's someone else who's going through it. Yep, I believe it without a doubt. I believe it.

There are a few things I'm sure of, of course. A few.
One would be the existence of love. As i know it. The unconditional, all encompassing, neverending kinda love. Not just the romantic type. The best friend type. And the daughter type. And even the you're my pillow type. Yeah it's there.

And @ my best friend, I'm happy for the realization and I know I'll do whatever that it takes to make it work!
Feeling happy shiny, and crazy hopeful right here, right now.

Everybody

We have fallen down again tonight,
In this world it's hard to get it right.
Trying to make your heart fit like a glove,
What you need is love, love, love.

Everybody, everybody wants to love,
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved.
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Happy is the heart that still feels pain,
Darkness drains and light will come again.
Swing open up your chest and let it in,
Just let the love, love, love begin.

Everybody knows the love
Everybody holds the love,
Everybody folds for love.
Everybody feels the love,
Everybody steals the love,
Everybody heals with love.

Oh oh oh
Just let the love, love, love begin

Just let the love, love, love begin

Random thoughts

Disjointed bits of thought in the past few weeks:

Weird, ironic question: Why would ANYONE want to fall out of love if it's the most amazing feeling in the world?

Unsure if I'm in love with you, or the idea of you, or the idea of being in love with you.

Love you now and forever, in some way or the other. . . :)

Belligerent, mean and not a part of the world as you know it. That's me. Sometimes. But that's not quite so bad, and definitely not all the time. ;)

Okay with being single. Happy, even. But I miss the way the world starts so seem beautiful because of another person. And the feeling of love. Who wouldn't?

Things are changing. Nightmares continue to make me feel scared after I wake up. And anger doesn't dissolve as quickly as it used to. Turns the world upside down and churns it into a weird twisted mixture before it goes away. Natural for most people I suppose (cmonn, nightmares leave u scared, right?) but not me. . . Feels very very weird.

Thoughts

Random thoughts penned down a few weeks ago. . . :)

"We're all good, efficient and happy shiny people. We do not, however, always choose to be awesome and that's all that really stops us."

"The world is all about making some memories and loving some people."

"Numbness is not such a bad thing. Though it may appear to be."

"What people think of you matters, but not more than what u think of yourself despite their opinions and judgements."

"Being happy is a choice, and a good one at that! :) "

"You don't have to matter as much to people as they matter to you. It's their choice and not a condition you posed before starting to care so much."

"Good things come to an end. So do the bad ones. But life will go on and we adapt to live the best way that we can."

"Never think you are insufficient or afraid that you are powerful beyond your wildest dreams."

"It's ok to be who you are. Really."

"Sometimes we break rules we shouldnt. Sometimes we do this even if we know it's wrong. And sometimes we just let the world happen and the mistakes too. And that's ok. Not always, but often enough."

"All is well. And if it isn't, then it will be soon!"

Bah. . . weird!

So, life is a bit complicated just now.
And full of things that I can't do much about, at least not now, and ones which I should do nothing about too.
So I'm chilling, blocking out the parts that cause too much topsy turviness in my otherwise placid/stagnant world. And occasionally in denial. Okay, quite often in denial.
I wonder. . . if u are really good at persuading yourself for anything, then does it mean that your convincing skills are good or that you're so gullible that you'll fall for whatever anyone says?? :S
Either way, seems like I'm wasting a lot in my life right now, and not doing the best I can. And the worst part is that this fact doesn't peturb me (told u I was in denial right? Perhaps a touch of insanity as well).
I'm doing some things better than I was, and messing up some totally.
And that's ok, right? Yeah. . it's ok.

Life is just so different now. . . I'm me. An individual. Nothing more, nothing less. And that feels just so weird!
Nothing really makes much sense anyway. One part of me accepts the truth and is completely okay with it, and one part is in complete denial and trying it's hardest to convince me otherwise. . .

Oh well, it's just a transitionary period and eventually life will start throwing more challenges again. :)