Happy shiny and slightly introspective

So life is interesting and happy shiny one again. :)

Getting over some things, finding new aspects of myself and making peace with the emotions that aren't ready to go just yet. :)

I've always been freaked out by kids, and not knowing what to do around them. Well, that's changed for sure! Teaching part time, I can see a whole different world. The transparent and pure expressions on their faces and the absolutely adorable things they do have got me falling in love with each one of them. Even when I get exasperated with them! It's my happy shiny hour of the day.

Been missing gym, in more ways than one. :( But starting again from tomorrow morning! :D

I'm realizing that I'm quite dispassionate/detached from the things that go on around me. sure, I notice them and acknowledge them, but reacting to them isn't something I do too often. And feeling guilty or regretting something is just not a part of who I am anymore. What's the point of guilt anyway? If you didn't care at that time, what5 will feeling guilty do for you now? It's over and done with, so you might as well sit back and enjoy the memories. ;)

Also, since it's winter nl, I absolutely loveeee soaking in the sun! It feels like I'm in the perfect world in the perfect place everrr! :)

And yes, I also realize that I am quite detached from the people I love too. Not always though. Sometimes I miss everyone terribly and feel crazily happy after seeing them after 2-3 days! Maybe I'm just not as expressive as I used to be or it's just a phase, or I'm in too much of a happy shiny mode! I'm not sure why I'm so darn happy, but I am. and it doesn't have too much to do with external circumstances.

Oh, and as for 'you', yes I still care for you a lot. Still pretty much in love, but slowly getting over it. And I'm at peace with wherever it goes or doesn't go. :)

I can't & I don't.

I guess I could but somehow I feel I shouldn't.

So - Even if I can, practically I can't and so, I won't.

My only fear is what if tomorrow I awake and

realize that 'Hey dude - You could've but you didn't !'

Buy me with a coffee

Instead of wasted gifts around
Instead of losing all we have
Instead of dreaming of a man you'll never have
You'd better breathe with me and feel...

Instead of planning and debating
Instead of shaping my own dreams
Instead of dreaming of a son you'll never have
You'd better breathe with me and feel...

You can buy me with a coffee
I'm so cheap...

Instead of letting distance talk
Instead of losing all we have
Instead ofdreaming of a man I'll never be
You'd better breathe with me and feel...

Instead of juding day and night
Instead of wasted time on both sides
Instead of guessing what the hell went wrong with me
You'd better breathe with me and feel...

You can buy me wïth a coffee
I'm so cheap...

Shell phase and letting go. . .

Well, hell.

Here I am yet again, on a random and occasional insensible thought process. Sometimes I wonder what it is about being in my own shell that's just so comfortable. It's not a comfortable or convenient lifestyle, and yet I seem to drag myself into every once in a while. Where I think that everyone thinks the worst of me, and that it actually matters to me what they think! When I don't seem to like anyone and curl up in a hole like a lost and abandoned puppy.

The strangest thing is that not much in the external world changes/triggers this response from me. And nothing changes for anyone when I go into a phase. Perhaps I'm trying to read too much into it, especially since it's hardly the time to analyze such ridiculous stuff, but it's still there! But I'm not going to wallow in self misery this time because even if it's true that I don't affect anyone, I still affect myself and being in a phase (although comfortable) isn't always a good thing.

Also, I think I have gotten over the whole being in love thing. Perhaps there is someone out there for me, but perhaps not. Either way, I always knew that even though I loved you, I would never be the one for you, and that eventually I would have to let go. Ironic how things do work out for the highest good of everyone.
I never really tried to let go, but I guess I've begun to stop holding on instead. And that's working for me. For now. Who knows what I'll think the next time I meet you, perhaps I'll fall in love with you all over again, or perhaps it really is time to let go and move on. Yes, I have been trying to consciously let go for almost a year and subconsciously for about 2. Maybe now is the time when I'm really ok with moving on and accepting that although you would always have a place in my heart, I'm moving on.

Oh well, that's all besides the point. Shell phase is on it's way out, and I'm soon to be happy shiny once again. Moving on is happening definitely this time, from you and from the current lifestyle as well. Life is shifting, one teeny bit at a time.
And now that I have rambled on sufficiently to confuse people, complicate matters and soothe my own mind and soul, I'm off to bed! :) :)

Ah life. . you're the best thing that happened to me, especially with all the awesome seasonal and permanent people you bring along!