Sometimes I feel scared of impending death. Very scared!

Well, not scared of dying actually, since we are eternal beings of light and all that. . . but at the thought of dying. At the thought of dying without having done any remarkable thing in my life.

And scared of dying right now. . . when I'm just 20

Rebuilding!

Incapable of feeling, and feeling too deeply to be able to control it at the same time. . .

Unsure of where this life is leading, trying to remove you from my thoughts every second, trying to believe that the world is good, that people are not perfect. Trying to love who I am but pursue what I want. Changing each moment, but stagnating at each step.

You are not going to be a part of my thoughts each and every second anymore. You love someone, and it's perfectly for me to not know who she is. Attempting to not care either.

Different goals. Different desires and ideals. Different values. A different me, who is not going to stop no matter what. Attempting to become a 'me' I never thought I would even want to. But becoming it all the same, coz that's who I need to be, and in a weird twisted way, I want to be now.

Life as I know it is being destroyed, right this very minute. 

Rebuilding the world. This time, without a 'you' in it. 

Because the beauty of love is too painful. It's not something I want in my life anymore. Today onwards, 'you' are just you [the you that is used for everyone, not setting you apart any more].

Dark and twisted within, bottled up pain, trying to not let it overflow, believing it to be over-rated. Pushing myself to achieve more than what you thought I could, because I'm not just a 'someone' in this world, even though you may feel I am.

Away from the beauty of love, building a reality that would be beautiful someday. . . 

I do care, but I'll pretend it doesn't.

I'll pretend so well that even I won't get to know that it actually does matter. . . 

Bigger is better. . . ;)

Had a crazy past week. . . with team days and a conference. . . 

Makes me realize how much I'm supposed to do, and how capable everyone is!!

Makes me believe in being Simply the BEST!

Makes me believe in my teams!

Makes me believe that things can happen, and happen well!!

Makes me believe that growth is the strategy! And that it's more than possible!!

Makes me realize that bigger is betterl. . . sometimes! :)

Best!

All I really want is to be on a projection of at least 40 by 15th of June.

All I want to work for is to be the best.

The only number that needs to matter is Number ONE.

All that's going to matter to me is to become the best, and to make each day count. 

I don't care what it's going to take, but it's gonna make me the best, coz I'll do more than what I can.

And YOU will be a reason for it to happen. Because believe it or now, you matter. And you'll never believe it, coz I'll give you a million reasons not to, but I'll love you. And I know because I want you more than I have ever wanted someone in my life. 

Someone else. . .

I feel you're not mine. . . those moments that happened, or I thought were meant to happen don't mean anything anymore.. . 

Simply because I feel that they're not meant to be, and you should be somewhere else, with someone else. 

I know you're not mine to keep. . . and though a moment passed where we desired each other, it isn't love, and never will be.

You are someone else's and always will be. . . 

I don't know what I feel about it now, perhaps simply calm, because I know it's a fact that there is no love between us that can last. . . because your love is for someone else, and I have not learned about love. . .

Yes, irrationally I still wish sometimes you were mine, for a moment, a day, a lifetime. . .  but I know you won't, and that the world will go on anyway. . .  and that somewhere, somehow, you are happy with someone else. And in the end, that's what will matter to me.

I am locking up a part of me tonight. . . which I shall open the day I love myself and the day I feel I can have enough love within me to give to someone else. And the day that you are happy in your life. The day I find everything pefect, I shall find the strength to open this part once more and heal it. But for now. . . it's going somewhere that nobody shall follow. I shall be someone nobody will know completely because of this little locked up space.

And I'll be okay. 

And in case you think this entry is for you; don't! Only I know who it is for, and that shall never be revealed.

I sit here and wonder tonight. . . why I desire some of the things [or people] that I do. Perhaps tonight is the last time I shall feel for them in that way in my life. 

There are things and people I know should not be a part of my life, but I still want them sometimes. And god forbid, if I get them, the world turns upside down!

I don't know if it's the secret working here, or simply god telling me to think before I wish something, or perhaps it was just that I wasn't completely clear on what/who I wanted. Course, that was more for the personal life that I'm giving up completely now. It doesn't seem to have any output and even the love in it seems to become mechanical and superficial, making me wonder where is the love.. 

Until I don't become myself. . . really become who I want to be, it's a bit of distance and much more focus on what I want. :)

No point in thinking about YOU after today, because you're going far away from my life tomorrow, into another realm or perhaps it's just me. . . .

Somehow, things that used to matter, opinions and the potential existence of some moments. .  don't matter anymore. Maybe it's acceptance or maybe it's other things that I want before I can look at you in the eyes again.

I want!

I have learnt that I need to learn just one thing;

How to want something badly enough to give anything for it. How to REALLY want something. I mean, REALLY!

And as this feeling is trying to creep into me, I find myself searching more for what I want, and wanting more from life. And making the most of the things that I already have.

I wonder how it took me 20 years to realize that I had never truly realized that I hadn't REALLY wanted something in the past.

It's time to burn it in, in a way that I'll never forget what it's like to want something. . .

A bit like love. . . maybe more

Thinking about you, and wondering what I really feel.

Thinking about the way you make me feel, even when you don't say anything. About the days gone by, and the days to come.

The moments gone by, perhaps unnoticed. The little things that make my heart skip a beat. The way you smile, the way you look at me. :)

I don't know if I 'like' you, but I know that you're special. And if I was to say that I love you. .  well, I think that it's beyond love by now. You aren't 'just a crush',  coz you're so much more to me, as a person. :)

It's not for you to know that you're the 'you' in my life. It's not for you to know if this is real or forever. Indeed, you will probably never know that it's actually you, because it's not a confession I would make even in my random confession-ish moments.

I just know that it feels like love, maybe more. And that you matter to me. 

I can't say this truly about a lot of people, but I like you, and you matter to me. It matters to me if you meet me or not, it matters what you think, because it's YOU!

If you're reading this, then I just want you to know that you're the most amazing person I've known, and it's the purest, most honest kinda love that I feel for you! 

Over thinking right now, verbally blogged most of it over the phone though, and I don't think I can write it once more, because the feeling has retreated back into the heart, awaiting the next day that I'll meet you.

P.S. All references to you are to 'YOU', not just any you