I don't know, I don't like . . . but I don't care!

So there!

Bleh. . . :(

Dunno what's going on. Seem to love staying home. Really! A lot!

Comfort zone? Just wanting to chill? Something else? Dunno. . . but home is where the heart is. Always!

Morals are important.

You don't always follow them, and neither do I. But they're important. And as far as possible, I know I should.

Connected. . . now?

I can't understand it. Why does death seem just so. . . final? My mind understands that it isn't; that there will be more lives and more time with these loved ones later. My heart understands it. It understands what's pure will stay forever. My soul understands it, because it is an eternal being and can tap into universal consciousness. . . Then WHAT part of me doesn't understand? Why does death still make me feel torn apart?

Today I realized that you don't need to know someone to grieve for them. Genuinely grieve, not just tears. And it doesn't need to be someone famous. It doesn't need to be someone you've idolized all your life. It doesn't need to be someone exceptional according to the world. It can be someone who has lived a wonderfully enriched life, being a lively person, full of love and keeping the family together. It can be someone who has touched his relatives hearts in the way they are right now. Someone who's daughter can feel physical pain because he's no more.

And it feels odd today, having not met such a wonderful individual, yet to grieve for him. I don't know where this sorrow is coming from, but I can feel it. Collective human consciousness? Maybe. Or perhaps I can connect to the pain of what losing that relationship would be like, because I cannot even dare to imagine.

And what's freaky is that life goes on. We move on, and most of the world does not even know what's happened. People are still caught up with exams, worried about deadlines, and blah blah. Somehow you want the world to shut up and realize the magnitude of what's happened. And they don't.

What's un-understandable is what to even say in such a situation. A person feels so helpless, unable to console, unable to say anything right, because there is nothing 'right' that can be said at this time.

And it makes me wonder how we are so connected that we can grieve for an unknown person (albeit known and loved by one of our loved ones) and yet we don't understand the interconnectedness of life at ordinary points of time in our lives.

Grieving right now, for a good man. And for relationships that were, the hurt that will remain. But yes, the love will last forever.

Almost. . .

It's December 21st.

I have exactly 10 days to formally end the year, in terms of what's been done and what's not.

I don't like the fact that it's ending, but I do like the fact that I can put my learning to use in other dimensions as well.

I can barely see a few steps ahead, let alone the rest of the road. Destination unknown.

Curious, stretched thin with all the emotions going through. And realizing more and more how I would love to be alive in a more primitive (therefore advanced) time of this world. People are making the world go crazy with all that needs to be done, and with no time to breathe. We're messing up the planet, not one step at a time, but giant leaps. And I don't like it. More than going out there and trying to tell the world to change, I think I need to make the change myself, then find a fun way to make others do it too. Coz otherwise, they won't. It's crazy how closed everyone is, and how unfeeling (unconsciously, of course).

Going off track, yeah. Happens when too many things are going on.

Oh well, simpli-flying is the only way to go now I guess! :) :)

Was on someone elses blog. . . I like!

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds,

simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in.

However, not every one of them is inhabited.

Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds.

Any finite number divided by infinity is

as near to nothing as makes no odds,

so the average population of all planets

in the universe can be said to be zero.

From this, it follows, that the population of the whole universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time

are merely products of a deranged imagination.

-Douglas Adams

I want to hold on to each and every moment. Each moment with you, because I know that there's hardly any time, and soon we're going to be apart.

Breaks my heart to even think about it, and therefore, I won't!

Sigh. . . some things never change.

Decisions and crazed up people

Decisions are not the easiest thing in life. But tougher than those are the hitches that come and make you wonder if you did, after all, take the right decision, when the whole world seems to be set to prove that you were wrong.

Agonized over the decision, now appears to be wrong, seeing the current situation.

Yet, life's gonna move on, some people will learn how to become better people, some will learn to face conflict, some will face their fears and others will realize the importance of doing the right thing.

It's crazy the number of petty issues a person can take up and mull over. The way people's minds work is beyond my comprehension. I like keeping it simple, or well. .. even if not simple, then at least not against a person. Sometimes against certain actions and behaviors, but not people. And possibly that's why I can't understand it.

People are separate (a thin line, but a line nevertheless) from their actions and behaviors.

Gosh, there is just so much to learn in this world. Not just academics (which is other people's opinions and decisions. Valid and important, but other's), but a whole lot about how the world works, how you respond, and how you should respond. More than academics (which are valuable, I'm realizing now), we need to become people of this world. No matter how individualistic, unique, crazed-up people with deep dark thoughts we are, no matter how skewed our perception of the world with us is, we have to become people of this world, and be one of the crowd (albeit, not always, but sometimes. And to realize others reactions to our actions). While growing up, something happens, and you don't remain the same person you used to be. You realize how insufficient you really are, and how different the world really is. You sit back and wonder why things don't matter to you as much as they do to others, and why you react so differently. And then, snap! , in just a few days, your basic instincts, reactions and things-that-matter merge with everyone else and life carries on. Is that what's called growing up? It's starting to happen to me.

And yes, you will have to adapt, and you will have to learn to let go of regret and the things that hurt.

Is it too late already?

What are the odds that it's too late?

So when do you think it is 'too late'?

Actually, it is ever too late? Isn't there always another person, another place, another situation, another opportunity, another lifetime??

Today, realizing that it's never too late to learn, never to late to become good again. Feeling intensely happy because of how some things are shaping up, and very proud of a certain individual who has fought for years, and for once, I believe it when he says that it's gonna be over soon. Proud that he was strong enough, proud that he wants to be so good, proud that he fought it through, proud that he's him. :)

Also realizing that it's never too late for things to mess up. Different situation, different people. Never too late for a person to start lying, never too late to break a heart. It's never too late to spoil perfection, and never too late to make one want to run away.

Multi-faceted life, thanks to the diverse individuals I know and meet everyday. Happy situations, and not-so-happy ones. But you learn from each one. Yeap. Every single one. It's never too late to learn.

Sigh. . . I do hope that it isn't too late to begin changing every single one of those 'bad habits that hold good people back'. A lot to do, and a lot not-to-do.

Tick tock. life's ticking away.

Meanwhile, dealing with the diverse people making me go crazy and wanting to pull my hair out, and learning to do something before it's too late! Coz yeah, sometimes, it is. . .

Too little, too late.

Well actually. . . .

Too much, too irrelevant, too stupid, too horrid, too sad, and too bad it's still too late

Winter's almost here!

Winters are good. :) Just a bit gloomy and overly chilly on some days. . .

I like the warm fluffy socks, the snuggly bed with too many blankets, the hot showers, the layers and layers of warm cozy clothes. The idea of a bonfire, the warm sunshine with the cold winter air. I like cooking and a hot cup of lemon tea. The long sleepy drives in the day. Reading a book while sitting on the swing in the sun. Hearing the windchimes and feeling even more warm and snuggly when you're out of the cold wind. The darkness at 5 30 in the evening, and the slight fog in the morning. The colours of the flowers, the hot cup of coffee with a friend. The mufflers and the caps. Sleeping in everyday. And yeah, someone elses warm hands and hugs. :)

Yeap, winters are definitely fun. :)

Never thought I'd say it, and don't really believe myself even when I do, but I'm glad it's December.

For more than one reason, of course.

Where's the end to this world?

Urma: Terminus

Lazy night, you're here again
I've got nothing to say
Your shadow's kind to me and my trouble's fading away

No signs to point directions home
But I got to go now
Back
To my love

Bartender forgive me son
Can you show me the door?
It seems I need a map
Cannot find the exit alone

No signs to point directions out
But I got to go now
Back
To my love

One drink's all I need
I got to go
I'm not from this world

One more for the road
I need to know
Where's the end of this world

Lady, please excuse me now
Can I play in your game?
I lost my self esteem
In a bar where the drinks have no name

The sun is coming up
And I need to be on my way
Back
To my love

One drink's all I need
I got to go
I'm not from this world

One more for the road
I need to know
Where's the end of thïs world

Anger and fear

Nope, I don't understand.

I don't understand where this uncontrollable anger and crippling fear come for, without any reason. And I don't know how to deal with either of them. Nor with the sense of lethargy that accompanies non-action.

I do, however, know that they need to be dealt with, before I utterly and completely destroy myself, my being, my core self. I just need to find out how.

Situations!

Darn!

Took of my contact lenses, and forgot where the specs were. Decided to wear the extra specs which are sometimes used to locate those specs. But had put them god-knows-where.

So when you can't really see what's going on, what do you do? You get into that snuggly bed, turn over and sleep. :) Simple, really!

Iktara

Me like! No. . . me loveee!

Not perfect! :)

It's good to not be perfect. It's good to have to work hard. It's good to go crazy wanting something you can't get.

And it's good to ask God for something, get it, and then realize that what you really wanted was already there in your life!

Indeed, if everything was perfect, and you got everything you asked for, you wouldn't know what to do about it. And the sweetness of achievement would come only when you know you aren't perfect, but have done something good!

It's amazing to not be perfect, and meet lots of not perfect people, each striving to be perfect in some way or the other. And together we all live and die. And that's what makes life beautiful.

No crossroads!

Usually we have a lot of crossroads that keep us stagnant and wondering where to go and what to do. Ironically though, at a point where everything is changing as I know it, there are no (or hardly any!) crossroads. There are things to do, and things not to do. There are things and people to adapt to, and a life to get used to and make my own.

Almost everything seems simple, and I like it. Yeah, the things I have to do still need to be done, and that doesn't mean that they're easy. And getting used to so many changes sometimes rubs me the wrong way too, but I'm not standing and wondering like an idiot what I'm supposed to do. And that feels GOOD!

Have to go to college, give exams (thus need to study), give it a good last shot in my term, get my team to be awesome, harvest my farmville crops on time, stay at home a bit, make my room awesome, etc etc etc. . . not all of it easy, nor convenient or comfortable. But unquestionably, it all needs to be done, and ah. . that feeling of certainty feels nice. :) :)

So yeah, back to life, trying to do something while I'm here.

Be very very careful of what you wish for. It may come true and you really won't know what to do then!!