I don't know, I don't like . . . but I don't care!

So there!

Bleh. . . :(

Dunno what's going on. Seem to love staying home. Really! A lot!

Comfort zone? Just wanting to chill? Something else? Dunno. . . but home is where the heart is. Always!

Morals are important.

You don't always follow them, and neither do I. But they're important. And as far as possible, I know I should.

Connected. . . now?

I can't understand it. Why does death seem just so. . . final? My mind understands that it isn't; that there will be more lives and more time with these loved ones later. My heart understands it. It understands what's pure will stay forever. My soul understands it, because it is an eternal being and can tap into universal consciousness. . . Then WHAT part of me doesn't understand? Why does death still make me feel torn apart?

Today I realized that you don't need to know someone to grieve for them. Genuinely grieve, not just tears. And it doesn't need to be someone famous. It doesn't need to be someone you've idolized all your life. It doesn't need to be someone exceptional according to the world. It can be someone who has lived a wonderfully enriched life, being a lively person, full of love and keeping the family together. It can be someone who has touched his relatives hearts in the way they are right now. Someone who's daughter can feel physical pain because he's no more.

And it feels odd today, having not met such a wonderful individual, yet to grieve for him. I don't know where this sorrow is coming from, but I can feel it. Collective human consciousness? Maybe. Or perhaps I can connect to the pain of what losing that relationship would be like, because I cannot even dare to imagine.

And what's freaky is that life goes on. We move on, and most of the world does not even know what's happened. People are still caught up with exams, worried about deadlines, and blah blah. Somehow you want the world to shut up and realize the magnitude of what's happened. And they don't.

What's un-understandable is what to even say in such a situation. A person feels so helpless, unable to console, unable to say anything right, because there is nothing 'right' that can be said at this time.

And it makes me wonder how we are so connected that we can grieve for an unknown person (albeit known and loved by one of our loved ones) and yet we don't understand the interconnectedness of life at ordinary points of time in our lives.

Grieving right now, for a good man. And for relationships that were, the hurt that will remain. But yes, the love will last forever.

Almost. . .

It's December 21st.

I have exactly 10 days to formally end the year, in terms of what's been done and what's not.

I don't like the fact that it's ending, but I do like the fact that I can put my learning to use in other dimensions as well.

I can barely see a few steps ahead, let alone the rest of the road. Destination unknown.

Curious, stretched thin with all the emotions going through. And realizing more and more how I would love to be alive in a more primitive (therefore advanced) time of this world. People are making the world go crazy with all that needs to be done, and with no time to breathe. We're messing up the planet, not one step at a time, but giant leaps. And I don't like it. More than going out there and trying to tell the world to change, I think I need to make the change myself, then find a fun way to make others do it too. Coz otherwise, they won't. It's crazy how closed everyone is, and how unfeeling (unconsciously, of course).

Going off track, yeah. Happens when too many things are going on.

Oh well, simpli-flying is the only way to go now I guess! :) :)

Was on someone elses blog. . . I like!

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds,

simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in.

However, not every one of them is inhabited.

Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds.

Any finite number divided by infinity is

as near to nothing as makes no odds,

so the average population of all planets

in the universe can be said to be zero.

From this, it follows, that the population of the whole universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time

are merely products of a deranged imagination.

-Douglas Adams

I want to hold on to each and every moment. Each moment with you, because I know that there's hardly any time, and soon we're going to be apart.

Breaks my heart to even think about it, and therefore, I won't!

Sigh. . . some things never change.

Decisions and crazed up people

Decisions are not the easiest thing in life. But tougher than those are the hitches that come and make you wonder if you did, after all, take the right decision, when the whole world seems to be set to prove that you were wrong.

Agonized over the decision, now appears to be wrong, seeing the current situation.

Yet, life's gonna move on, some people will learn how to become better people, some will learn to face conflict, some will face their fears and others will realize the importance of doing the right thing.

It's crazy the number of petty issues a person can take up and mull over. The way people's minds work is beyond my comprehension. I like keeping it simple, or well. .. even if not simple, then at least not against a person. Sometimes against certain actions and behaviors, but not people. And possibly that's why I can't understand it.

People are separate (a thin line, but a line nevertheless) from their actions and behaviors.

Gosh, there is just so much to learn in this world. Not just academics (which is other people's opinions and decisions. Valid and important, but other's), but a whole lot about how the world works, how you respond, and how you should respond. More than academics (which are valuable, I'm realizing now), we need to become people of this world. No matter how individualistic, unique, crazed-up people with deep dark thoughts we are, no matter how skewed our perception of the world with us is, we have to become people of this world, and be one of the crowd (albeit, not always, but sometimes. And to realize others reactions to our actions). While growing up, something happens, and you don't remain the same person you used to be. You realize how insufficient you really are, and how different the world really is. You sit back and wonder why things don't matter to you as much as they do to others, and why you react so differently. And then, snap! , in just a few days, your basic instincts, reactions and things-that-matter merge with everyone else and life carries on. Is that what's called growing up? It's starting to happen to me.

And yes, you will have to adapt, and you will have to learn to let go of regret and the things that hurt.

Is it too late already?

What are the odds that it's too late?

So when do you think it is 'too late'?

Actually, it is ever too late? Isn't there always another person, another place, another situation, another opportunity, another lifetime??

Today, realizing that it's never too late to learn, never to late to become good again. Feeling intensely happy because of how some things are shaping up, and very proud of a certain individual who has fought for years, and for once, I believe it when he says that it's gonna be over soon. Proud that he was strong enough, proud that he wants to be so good, proud that he fought it through, proud that he's him. :)

Also realizing that it's never too late for things to mess up. Different situation, different people. Never too late for a person to start lying, never too late to break a heart. It's never too late to spoil perfection, and never too late to make one want to run away.

Multi-faceted life, thanks to the diverse individuals I know and meet everyday. Happy situations, and not-so-happy ones. But you learn from each one. Yeap. Every single one. It's never too late to learn.

Sigh. . . I do hope that it isn't too late to begin changing every single one of those 'bad habits that hold good people back'. A lot to do, and a lot not-to-do.

Tick tock. life's ticking away.

Meanwhile, dealing with the diverse people making me go crazy and wanting to pull my hair out, and learning to do something before it's too late! Coz yeah, sometimes, it is. . .

Too little, too late.

Well actually. . . .

Too much, too irrelevant, too stupid, too horrid, too sad, and too bad it's still too late

Winter's almost here!

Winters are good. :) Just a bit gloomy and overly chilly on some days. . .

I like the warm fluffy socks, the snuggly bed with too many blankets, the hot showers, the layers and layers of warm cozy clothes. The idea of a bonfire, the warm sunshine with the cold winter air. I like cooking and a hot cup of lemon tea. The long sleepy drives in the day. Reading a book while sitting on the swing in the sun. Hearing the windchimes and feeling even more warm and snuggly when you're out of the cold wind. The darkness at 5 30 in the evening, and the slight fog in the morning. The colours of the flowers, the hot cup of coffee with a friend. The mufflers and the caps. Sleeping in everyday. And yeah, someone elses warm hands and hugs. :)

Yeap, winters are definitely fun. :)

Never thought I'd say it, and don't really believe myself even when I do, but I'm glad it's December.

For more than one reason, of course.

Where's the end to this world?

Urma: Terminus

Lazy night, you're here again
I've got nothing to say
Your shadow's kind to me and my trouble's fading away

No signs to point directions home
But I got to go now
Back
To my love

Bartender forgive me son
Can you show me the door?
It seems I need a map
Cannot find the exit alone

No signs to point directions out
But I got to go now
Back
To my love

One drink's all I need
I got to go
I'm not from this world

One more for the road
I need to know
Where's the end of this world

Lady, please excuse me now
Can I play in your game?
I lost my self esteem
In a bar where the drinks have no name

The sun is coming up
And I need to be on my way
Back
To my love

One drink's all I need
I got to go
I'm not from this world

One more for the road
I need to know
Where's the end of thïs world

Anger and fear

Nope, I don't understand.

I don't understand where this uncontrollable anger and crippling fear come for, without any reason. And I don't know how to deal with either of them. Nor with the sense of lethargy that accompanies non-action.

I do, however, know that they need to be dealt with, before I utterly and completely destroy myself, my being, my core self. I just need to find out how.

Situations!

Darn!

Took of my contact lenses, and forgot where the specs were. Decided to wear the extra specs which are sometimes used to locate those specs. But had put them god-knows-where.

So when you can't really see what's going on, what do you do? You get into that snuggly bed, turn over and sleep. :) Simple, really!

Iktara

Me like! No. . . me loveee!

Not perfect! :)

It's good to not be perfect. It's good to have to work hard. It's good to go crazy wanting something you can't get.

And it's good to ask God for something, get it, and then realize that what you really wanted was already there in your life!

Indeed, if everything was perfect, and you got everything you asked for, you wouldn't know what to do about it. And the sweetness of achievement would come only when you know you aren't perfect, but have done something good!

It's amazing to not be perfect, and meet lots of not perfect people, each striving to be perfect in some way or the other. And together we all live and die. And that's what makes life beautiful.

No crossroads!

Usually we have a lot of crossroads that keep us stagnant and wondering where to go and what to do. Ironically though, at a point where everything is changing as I know it, there are no (or hardly any!) crossroads. There are things to do, and things not to do. There are things and people to adapt to, and a life to get used to and make my own.

Almost everything seems simple, and I like it. Yeah, the things I have to do still need to be done, and that doesn't mean that they're easy. And getting used to so many changes sometimes rubs me the wrong way too, but I'm not standing and wondering like an idiot what I'm supposed to do. And that feels GOOD!

Have to go to college, give exams (thus need to study), give it a good last shot in my term, get my team to be awesome, harvest my farmville crops on time, stay at home a bit, make my room awesome, etc etc etc. . . not all of it easy, nor convenient or comfortable. But unquestionably, it all needs to be done, and ah. . that feeling of certainty feels nice. :) :)

So yeah, back to life, trying to do something while I'm here.

Be very very careful of what you wish for. It may come true and you really won't know what to do then!!

12 Bad Habits

Just figuring out the good habits that other people follow, and inculcating them is not enough. One needs to know what are the bad habits holding us back.

Here's are the bad habits that hold good people back:

1. Never feeling good enough

2. Seeing the world in black and white

3. Doing too much, pushing too hard

4. Avoiding conflict at any costs

5. Running roughshod over opposition

6. Rebel looking for a cause

7. Always swinging for the fence

8. When fear is in the driver's seat

9. Emotionally tone-deaf

10. When no job is good enough

11. Lacking a sense of boundries

12. Losing the path

Which ones are yours? ;) Trust me, they'll help you to realize where you're going wrong and why.

'Real' ly

Not going into details and technicalities of everything that's been happening in the last few days.

Some revelations, some 'high' times, a bit of happiness, and a bit of lost-ness. Happy, but sad.

And thinking of only one thing right now:

I know some really REAL people. And they're my favourites, and will always continue to be so! :)

A Bad Dream

A Bad Dream. Keane.



Why do I have to fly
over every town up and down the lane?
I'll die in the clouds above
and you that I defend, I do not love.

I wake up, it's a bad dream,
No one on my side,
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
to be fighting,
guess I'm not the fighting kind.

Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate.
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend.

[chorus]
I wake up, it's a bad dream,
No one on my side,
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
to be fighting,
guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it
if you were by my side
But you're long gone,
yeah you're long gone now.

Where do we go?
I don't even know,
My strange old face,
And I'm thinking about those days,
And I'm thinking about those days.

I wake up, it's a bad dream,
No one on my side,
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
to be fighting,
guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it
if you were by my side
But you're long gone,

yeah you're long gone now. . .

:)

Gahhhhnnnnn!!!! :S

Sometimes, I am, quite frankly, appalled by people and their attitude. Right now is one such perfectly. . . well. . appalling time!

I wish it wasn't like this, and I am going to do whatever it takes to change it. Blah to anyone who stops me! I'm my own person and shall always be!

Feeling slightly blah-ish to certain people and situations, but overall, veryyyy happy today! I honestly believe that I know some people who I would want to know/be with for the rest of my life. No matter what!

I like knowing that there are people who will reschedule because otherwise I won't be able to come. :)

Feeling warm and fuzzy, even though I won't be able to meet them for the next few days. But I am just feeling really nice today!

Fly!

The nest of young eagles hung on every word as the Master Eagle described his exploits. This was an important day for the eaglets. They were preparing for their first solo flight from the nest. It was the confidence builder many of them needed to fulfill their destiny.

"How far can I travel?" asked one of the eaglets.
"How far can you see?" responded the Master Eagle.
"How high can I fly?" quizzed the young eaglet.
"How far can you stretch your wings?" asked the old eagle.
"How long can I fly?" the eaglet persisted.
"How far is the horizon?" the mentor rebounded.
"How much should I dream?" asked the eaglet.
"How much can you dream?" smiled the older, wiser eagle.
"How much can I achieve?" the young eagle continued.
"How much can you believe?" the old eagle challenged.

Frustrated by the banter, the young eagle demanded, "Why don't you answer my questions?"
"I did."
"Yes. But you answered them with questions."

"I answered them the best I could."
"But you're the Master Eagle. You're supposed to know everything. If you can't answer these questions, who can?"
"You." The old wise eagle reassured.
"Me? How?" the young eagle was confused.
"No one can tell you how high to fly or how much to dream. It's different for each eagle. Only God and you know how far you'll go. No one on this earth knows your potential or what's in your heart. You alone will answer that. The only thing that limits you is the edge of your imagination."

The young eagle puzzled by this asked, "What should I do?"

"Look to the horizon, spread your wings, and fly."

Doing nothing. :)

I want to sit and laze all day. Give one day to doing nothing, not even having fun!!

One day to sit in the sun, paint a bit, leave it unfinished.

Read a funny comic, walk around a park. Drive randomly while aiming to go nowhere. And not getting any traffic.

To curl up in bed, and not get up until I want to.

Go shopping and buy lots of little things I want to give to people.

Go shopping and buy myself a card. A pretty card.

Go swimming, but just float around.

Wear a funny flowy skirt with a top that doesn't match. At all!

To sit with people, only because I want to. And talk about the random, seemingly meaningless things in the world of conversation. Not have opinions, but just a couple of thoughts.

Nice music. :)

Simply, to live a simple day, where I do any random thing I feel like!! Ah, the bliss of it all. . . yet, not to be made into an everyday thing! :P

Thinking and believing that the only problem right now is. . . being cold. Being unfeeling and indifferent to others. And that's how a lot of us have evolved (devolved?).

Everything seems to matter more than the people here, than connecting to them. Yes, their experience matters, their learning matters, but it is too rare that THEY actually matter!

Sometimes I gotta feeling, that it's gonna change. And fast. :)

And that feeling is getting stronger each day, coz with each passing hour, I realize how much it means to me. :)

What is it about you that makes me melt every time I think of you??

Dspensable, replaceable

It's the simple everyday things that make me realize how dispensable, replaceable and insignificant I really am.

And I don't always like it.

How could you. . .

What's the realest thing in my world? In my life??

My family, and the friends who are just as close as any family can get.

Missing everyone, and wishing I would make more of an effort to stay connected, to tell them I care, to ask them what happened today. I wish I could go back to the times when we had time, and the opportunity to just sit and talk. Because we met every day no matter what.

And I wish sometimes that I was a different sort of person. More. . . ummm. . . conversationable, if you know what I mean.

Oh well, anyway. If you're reading this right now, know that I miss you and I want to know what's going on in your life!! Yes, I check out your facebook page before mine, read your emails before an EP ;) , check out your tweets, new pics, blog, before I go to mine. :) It sometimes seems to be enough, just knowing what's up, and I make myself believe that it's ok. Even when it's not.

I miss all of you!

Love you

Love, as a concept, as a feeling is heart wrenchingly, achingly, vividly, just so REAL!

I sometimes wish I knew who you were, who is the one meant to be with me till the day I die. Because I refuse to believe that you don't exist. You are there, somewhere in the world. We just haven't found each other the way we should. . . yet.

But I want you to know, that whoever you are, wherever you are. . . I love you.

Learning a lot, doing my best, gonna make it the most memorable time ever. . . SO ONNN!! :)

Warm and Fuzzy

Awwww!!!

I'm feeling very warm and fuzzy today.

It's been a day of extremes; good and bad, fun and forced, letting people down and exceeding what they expected.

However, I have built lots of good memories, learnt lots, and am ending the day on a warm, fuzzy note, and looking forward to tomorrow a lot!! :)

I'll know it's you because. . . when you come into my life, the world will change as I know it.

Koi chahe, toh tumhe chahe. . .

tum jaise ho, vaise chahe. . .

koi tumhe badal kar chahe, toh woh sauda hai. . .

aur sahiba, mohabbat mein sauda nahi hota

In the end, no1 will remember it. No1 will remember what went into achieving it. No1 will remember I was there too. . .

And that, my dears, is the bitter truth.

Everything shall cease to exist.

I liked today, especially the way it's ending. :)

Realized a lot about my members and what I need to do specifically with each one, as well as together.

People you get along with don't necessarily stay the same when you're with other people as well. Or perhaps it's you that changes too.

I like the mountains, especially if I have nice music, amazing people, and can sit on the edge of a window while the car drives down.

There is still a lot to do. :)

Once this set of events ended, a new one started too;

I get senti very easily while watching a movie, and can cry buckets of tears for no reason. :P

I don't always say what I mean, or mean what I say. I may say I hate you and that all you do is nag, but my hearts just crying out that I love you and you're the bestest person I can know

Some friendships will last forever, I can feel it in my bones.

I realize that I have changed a lot, and one of the ways is that though I may appear critical of love, I believe in the forever-kinda-love, and I'm willing to wait forever for it.

I can stay happily single forever too, if I don't feel right with the person. :)

You. . . Somewhere. Someday.

To you.

Wherever you are, whoever you may be.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I know who 'you' are. . . but perhaps not.

I love you.

And I wanna play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath, and massage your neck, and kiss your face, and hold your hand and go for a walk.

Not mind when you eat my food, and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day. Talk about your day and laugh at your paranoia. Give you tapes you don’t listen to, watch great films… watch terrible films.

And tell you about the TV program I saw the night before, and not laugh at your jokes. Want you in the morning, but let you sleep for awhile. Tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your neck.

Sit on the steps smoking ’til your neighbors come home. Sit on the steps smoking ’til you come home. And worry when you’re late, and be amazed when you’re early.

I’d give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance. Be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me. Look at your photo’s and wish I’d known you forever. Hear your voice in my ear, feel your skin on my skin. And get scared when you’re angry.

I tell you you’re gorgeous. And hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you’re hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you, and whimper when I’m not. Smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t. Melt when you smile, dissolve when you laugh. But not understand how you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you. And wonder who you are.

But I accept you anyway. And tell you about the tree angel and enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you. I’d buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it but I always have from the first time I asked you.

I wander the city thinking, but I’m empty without you, but I want what you want and think I’m losing myself.

But I’ll tell you the worst me and try and give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less. Answer your questions when I’d rather not. And tell you the truth when I really don’t want to. And try to be honest because I knew you prefer it. And think it’s all over but hang on for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life, forget who I am. And let me try and get closer you.

… And somehow communicate some of the over-whelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-encompassing, heart-enriching, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you.

Da ra de daaa. . . da daaaaah

:)

Virtual World

Quote unquote:

"Omigosh, the world is becoming so virtual! People have farms online, harvest stuff, play poker, have mafia wars and god knows what else! What's happening to this world? Everything's going virtual!!! Hmm. . . I better write about it on my blog! "

;)

People. . . they never fail to amuse you!

I take back the time I wrote 'so be it.'. You're going to be a part of me, consciously. sub-consciously, unconsciously!! But forever :)

Maybe!

I don’t wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will
I don’t wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will, oh yes I will

‘Cause maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
Gonna come back around
Maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh the only way to really know
Is to really let it go
Maybe, you’re gonna come back,
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back to me

I don’t wanna be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know, I’ve got, to let them go

‘Cause maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
Gonna come back around
Maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh the only way to really know
Is to really let it go
Maybe, you’re gonna come back,
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And, I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
And i’m gonna wash away (I’m gonna wash away)
Oh I’m gonna wash away
Everything till you come home to me

Maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
In the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back around
Maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh the only way to really know
Is to really let it go
Maybe in the future (You’re gonna come back)
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back around

Maybe in the future (You’re gonna come back)
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh the only way to really know
Is to really let it go

Maybe
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back to me
Mmm you’re gonna come back to me
You’re gonna come back to me

Drat!

Still have memories of people and relationships which used to be so important once upon a time, and which have drifted into nothingness, disintegrated to dust, and been blown away.

Sometimes, it seems that it would be so much easier to forget that I even knew them, that they ever mattered. But that's not ok either. I guess that's a bit of what life teaches us; how to live in trust, and even when things don't go our way, to remember it, but keep the faith intact anyway. . .

Till then. . . still having thoughts about you, even though it doesn't matter anymore.

C'est la vie!

Everybody!

. . . happy is the heart that still feels pain. . .

We have fallen down again tonight
In this world it’s hard to get it right
Trying to make your heart fit like a glove
What it needs is love, love, love

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh-oh oh
Oh-oh oh
Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh-oh oh
Oh-oh oh

Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh-oh oh
Oh-oh oh
Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh-oh oh
Oh-oh oh

Oh, everybody knows the love
Everybody holds the love
Everybody folds for love
Everybody feels the love
Everybody steals the love
Everybody heals with love
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Just let the love, love love begin

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh-oh oh
Just let the love, love, love begin

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh-oh oh
Just let the love, love, love begin

I guess I'm writing a bit too much today, but what the heck! I can't help it if so many equally important tracks are going on!

Thinking and feeling extremely grateful. Actually, have been feeling that way for the past few days now. :) Grateful for all that I have, from the smallest to the biggest of things! Like really, imagine all the people, and all the things that have gone into making you who you are today? How can we be anything but grateful??

True, we aren't perfect, and we have our shortcomings. We don't always have the best of circumstances, and are thrown out out of our comfort zones. We don't always make the best of our lives, and sometimes, we really want to die. But inspite and despite that, I feel grateful for having such a unique and diverse experience in my life till now. And for all the comforts and luxuries that I have.

A bit, no, actually quite unsure of what I feel right now. . . but somewhere in my centre, I feel nothing but gratitude for this life, and the higher power. :)

It feels like you're in a different world now. . . a place where there is no place for even a memory of me.

And if that's the case,

So be it.

300

Today is a landmark day for this LC; a day to be remembered. 28th September 2009. AIESEC Chandigarh touches 300 Xs delivered. What an LC man, what an LC! :)

Startlingly, I seem to have more memories than I thought I did of this year. The good, and the bad. . and the mixed up. ;) And what holds me together and keeps me sane right now is. . that it's not over, there's still a long road to walk down. :)

Last 3 months.

Almost over. . .

However, there's another way to look at it! One fourth of a term left! Which is still quite a bit. . . even though time will fly and December will be here before I know it.

Memories

Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with anyone, living or dead. It is about what's happening within. . . and a muddle of memories of the past few years. . .

I don't really know where to start, or what I feel just about now. Re-living the past (something tells me that I'm letting go finally, of fears and attitudes that needn't have carried on till now), sorting most of it out, and thinking about the future too. Completely not living in the moment. But it's only so that I am able to let go of things that will let me live in the present moment.

Missing a few people. A few relationships that have changed, a few dreams that came true. . . but perhaps the magic was there in those times because it was the first time. . . the first time I felt love, the first team, the first conference, the first close friends, the first time I went to school. Perhaps the magic of those moments was because it was the first time. . . and only logic and unreasonability seem to exist right now. Living in complete contrariness. Believing that people are meant to be loved, and made to feel special, yet, not doing it for anyone; not even myself.

I believe that it's time to let go of past relationships; to hold on to the love, but let go of all that stops me from being free. Cutting all cords, while feeling the love too. It's a universal kinda love. :)

Sometimes, wishing I mattered more to some people, then realizing that probably that's what some people think about me too. It's time to just be more real, to at least be all this to myself, before trying to help others.

Today, in the evening, I shall destroy all old documents that don't serve any purpose and lower my energy. I will clear up the files on my laptop so that it doesn't remain random data.

I know everything's completely getting mixed up and merging into everything I'm trying to write about right now. . . but that's ok. :)

Just reviewing a few times and special people. And wondering if I do matter to them still. . . perhaps. . . and perhaps not. Either way, it's gonna be ok.

Mostly thinking about out-of-home experiences, because home always had stable and loving mom-dad, who I still love the most in the world. Fluctuating good and bad things wrt other household members.

Year 2000, new school, not feeling like i fit in. Trying to manage somehow. Messing up integers, not preparing for a geography test, and the history teacher telling me to tie up my hair. A year of adjustment, and completely no clue of who I was, or wanted to be. Where black and golden marks mattered, and the chapters and lessons were (mostly) the things to worry about Learning french, and being completely horrible at it. Went to Rajgarh, and loved it. Sitting on rocks, amaing food, camping out, icy water in the morning, being the first to wake up.

Year 2001: Jeez, I stopped growing tall. :( Remember Long Jump during PT. Divided skirts on some Saturdays. Friends shifting school. Completely lost. Teachers tell mom-dad during the PTAs that I'm too quiet. Trying to figure out who my friends are, making some wrong choices along the way. Talking to myself. Playing Solitaire, and randomly learning during the computer classes. Hiding out during break, not taking tiffin because I didn't want to eat alone. No school trip due to riots in Gujarat. Fabric painting. Learning to march. :P

Year 2002. Class 8. Awesome class teacher. Loving Biology. Only person to pass in a particular History test. 2/10 in a Himdi test on the same day. Jallianwala Bagh presentation. Still continuing with 1 wrong friend. Cooking and clay modelling. Still quiet in class. And absolutely terrified of speaking to any guy. Chemistry. French Classes. Still a lost person, but a bit more aware about what's going on around me. Chocolate cake on Founder's Day. Marching.

Year 2003. Somewhat tough. Studying on the basketball court. Still not taking tiffin. No Hindi, doing French instead. Actually scoring well in French! Proper set of 4-5 friends. With Politics! Some Project to be done in Pkl, and English Worksheets. Smooth sailing, externally. Internally, better than before, with people I knew. My first penfriend, who was from Switzerland. I still have her letters. :)

Year 2004. One of the best years of my life. 2008 being the other one. :) Amazing friend, who I miss terribly. A boyfriend, and the most loving relationship I could have dreamed of. Growing up. Studying (10th Board Exams!). Science, maths tuitions. Beautiful year, discovering myself, and learning to truly love others. A birthday party. Winter. A PTA on Valentine's day, and a series of coincidences. The bus ride back home everyday.

Year 2005. Doing well in 10th exams! :P Going to 11th, unsure about commerce, but doing it anyway. Lots of mistakes. Losing out on the 2 most special relationships I had. JA Company. Production of kathi rolls. Cold winter mornings, binding books. Kneading kilos of dough on Founder's. Board Meetings. My second boyfriend. And it didn't work out. Sometimes carrying tiffin. Feeling grown up, yet immature.

Year 2006: Class 12. Board exam prep. Liquidtion of the company. Rs 36. Integration and matrices. Accounts Project. Fear of the future. Missing my best friend. Single, and coping with the break up. Figuring out orkut, emailing, and msn. Hugeee crush, on a person who turned out not to be worth it. But amazing time while we were friends anyway. Really. Trying to grow up. Unsure of what's going to happen next year. Pre Boards. We don't celebrate festivals anymore. I don't know why.

Year 2007. Good board exams! Application to amity. Delhi in June, hiding under the blanket waiting for the board result. Terrified. Hugeee scene about wanting to go to Delhi, and mom-dad saying no. Crying. Radisson Hotel. SD College, bunking classes, and. . . of course, AIESEC. And NLDS. Sawai Madhopur. Insects, snake pits. Amazing people. @ Baroda. The plenary. The sugarcubes (I still have them!). Crazy week! Then back to college, and TN. And LCong, and the Chair and Alumni. And the LCP. NSC in Bangalore. Travelling! Soup! No recollection of closing plen. But it's awesome being in the OC! Then becoming OCP Akshar. Kinda lost, but getting more info each day and for one crazy moment, deciding to apply for a VP. And of course, the LCP Elections. And the trainee house chillouts. Life revolves around @. And my third try at being in a relationship.

Year 2008: One of my favourite years. Awesomeee LCP. Messing up more than I should, but learning too. Third try didn't work out in the relationship. Break up + trainees is a bad combination. ASK. Movies. GCG Workshop. Some more mistakes. Running through life, not making the best of it, but imbibing that which stayed much longer. GBMs at home, football in the rain. @ Office decor. :) Not going to college - BAD. LCongs, and national conferences. NatCong by us in Parwanoo. JNC in Pondicherry. NSC Lonavla. Random memories, good ones, from them all. Mentorship Group. Falcons. Lots of first times for a lot of things. Jagrata. Archers everyday.

And now, year 2009. Statistically good, according to what has been done. Empower. OC. Feb recs. August OCMs. NatCong in Silvassa. Awards night. Jhula in the balcony. MCP elections. MC selections. On the EB. Architects. ET. And missing The Archers. builing a few friendships, making some mistakes, doing a couple of things right. Dropped a year. :( New college now. Empty within somehow. @ Chandi making history. Red hair. :P Love Story. and a million more things. . . which have led me to this point.

Realizing how simple and innocent life was. And that it does not need to be as complicated as it seems right now. Emphasis: 'seems'. There's still a lot to learn. And a lot of times I should follow my heart. And a lot of people I should just stop holding on to. Rather, trying to hold on to. Something tells me, that as soon as I let go, everything will fall into place, and things would be better with them.

The best thing about this entry is that no1 would be patient enough to read it anyway! :P :P

Anyway, I'm off to study and clear up clutter. :) And sleep. :)

Learning a bit

I feel like living for myself. . . and doing the things that I want to. They will probably not give me the direction for my life, nor will they provide me with any profound life-learning. Except for learning that sometimes I should just go ahead and do what I want to. . . simply because I want to, and not because I'll get something out of it.

So yeah. . what do I want to do??A bit of it:

Clutter clearing! A LOT of it.

Study [yea, I actually WANT to]

Paint [I used to be okay at it, and then i just stopped. :( Reclaiming what's mine]

Watch a few documentaries

Go swimming

Paint the wall!

Plan out for the new house

Go for a movie

Finish ALL pending tasks

Read some good books

Meditate

Go to Amritsar. :)

Dance

Yoga/pranayam

Like life, and be happy. :)

Mmm

Sometimes there's a simple way to make things work. Just go ahead, blindly if you must, and do them!

No matter if you think you don't have time, or that you cam't do it. . . or are just feeling plain low! Just go ahead and DO it!! At least something will happen. . . which is in fact, a zillion times better than nothing! :)

Went and actually studied today! Not too much, and it was a bit monotonous, but I really did like it. I think I should start doing it everyday [they say that if you can keep it up for 21 days, it becomes a habit!].

I know all that I should do, and perhaps doing it [even when I don't want to] is the only way to get myself unstuck from this space!

It's not sometimes, it's usually the simplest solutions that work best. Especially when they've been staring at you for weeks, and all you've done is stared back at them! :P

Wanted: a simple everyday miracle

Arghhh!

Can't seem to get out of this rut! Feeling stuck and unable to do anything, think anything!

This is NOT the way life is supposed to be right now. . . this is not ok ya. . .

I need a miracle right now. . . a simple, everyday kinda miracle when suddenly everything changes! Yet, nothing changes too! Mmm. . . I don't think I can explain it, but I don't think I need to anyway!

Instead of moving up to the next spiral, i feel like I'm stuck on the same one, and spiralling down instead! Darn!

Stuck stuck stuck!! I haveee to change this! And nowww! I reallyyyy want to do all that people around me want me to do. . . It's completely aligned and all that! But I just can't seem to be able to go ahead and DO it! :(

Uh. . . can't talk much more. Going crazy anyway! :(

Order from Chaos

After a long period of feeling drained and completely energy-less and fearful, today seems to be a turning point. :) And for more reasons than one. . .

Read one of the most amazing books ever! Dan Brown's new book, The Lost Symbol is so much more than just a story. Of course, that's true for all his books, but this one, specifically, could not have come to me at a better time.

Humans in a god-like form? Connected consciousness? The power of the mind? Answers? Whoa. . . it's opening a myriad of possibilities. In truth, it doesn't fee like I am learning something new, or something that's difficult to grasp; rather it feels like I have known all this forever, and at this point of time in my life, where I am completely empty, I am re-discovering this information which is filling me with energy! I have read a number of times that a person needs to empty a cup before they can fill it. Something seems to be stirring at the very base of my being.

Somehow, I realize that the fear within me was because I just wanted to be 'ordinary' and of the repercussions that greatness brings along with it. However, 'ordinary' is not what is normal, it is merely what the majority are following. And simply because everyone is doing it, does not give it the seal of being good/normal/ordinary. . . just. . . common!

And to harness the power of the mind, to practise this power, one needs to learn how to focus, how to meditate and how to cultivate the mind with the right information and attitude.

Whatever I am writing right now is what the book has induced within. The secred lies within.

It feels like I am ready to move to the next level of consciousness, and that the stagnation that had arisen due to being at the top of the previous spiral is evaporating. Endless possibilities seem to lie before me, and endless energy for the same. The desire to learn is building up from the hidden spark to the flame that it should be. :)

Very interesting day indeed. . . after having been seemingly enerygyless and drained for so long, the current state of mind is not only refreshing, but also like manna from the heaven. It feels like all the buried dreams are within reach since the mind can manifest it at will. And the most amazing part of it is that we increase that power exponentially when we are together. Think of how well an ideal team would work!

And also thinking about the world, about how the people will react to the truth. About whether they will bring about a change, or just read the book, feel cool, and then forget all about it? Are humans actually ready to start taking some responsibility and opening their minds? Are they ready to believe what seems to be a myth and to come back to the universal truth and actually do something about it??

It seems that in a normal day, people forget what's real and important. They get stuck in the little things in life, because the society makes them believe that those are more important. The actual things a person needs to change, and work on are all within. . . and not at a meeting or in a document. Sure, meetings and documents are important, but to give them such imporantance that we deviate from our life path and re-discovering our learning, source, enery, purpose. . . well, that's not too right, is it??

Also today:

Met a warm, loving, intellectual and enlightened individual. Learnt a bit, and drew some energy in order to start meditating. . and soon! :)

Making the change happen such that it seeps into all parts of my life. Craving to learn more, do more, be more. . . not just as an individual, but as a part of a universal consciousness. :)

Order from Chaos. . . how true!!

Aaj Din Chadheya

Ajj din chadheya
Tere rang varga
Ajj din chadheya
Tere rang varga
Phul sa hai khila aaj din

Rabba mere din yeh na dhale
Woh jo mujhe khwab mein mile
Use tu lagade ab gale
Tenu dil da vaasta

Rabba aaya dar digaar ke
Sara jahan chod chaad ke
Mere sapne sawar de
Tenu dil da vasta

Ajj din chadheya
Tere rang varga

Baksha gunaho ko
Sun ke duwao ko
Rabba pyaar hai
Tune sab ko hi de diya
Meri bhi aahon ko
Sun le duwao ko
Mujhko woh dila maine jisko hai dil diya

Aasmaan pe aasmaan uske de itna bata
Woh jo mujhko dekh ke hase
Pana chahun raat din jise
Rabba mere naam kar use
Tenu dil da vasta

Ajj din chadheya
Tere rang varga

(Maanga jo mera hai
Jaata kya tera hai
Maine kaun si tujhse jannat maang li
Kaisa khuda hai tu
Bas naam ka hai tu
Rabba jo teri itni si bhi na chali) - 2

Chahiye jo mujhe
Kar de tu mujhko ata
Jeeti rahe saltanat teri
Jeeti rahe ashiqui meri
Dede mujhe zindagi meri
Tenu dil da vasta

Rabba mere din yeh na dhale
Woh jo mujhe khwab mein mile
Use tu lagade ab gale
Tenu dil da vasta

Rabba aaya dar digaar ke
Sara jahan chod chad ke
Mere sapne sawar de
Tenu dil da vasta

Ajj din chadheya
Tere rang varga
Ajj din chadheya
Tere rang vargaaaa…
Ajj din chadheya
Tere rang vargaaa..
Din chadheyaaaa..

happy!

I should make one of these! :)

http://docwhisperer.files.wordpress.com/2007/05/mm_happiness.jpg

Focus

Been troubled by this fact a lot lately.

Why do we, as people, pay so much attention to the outer world and obey their whims and fancies? Why do we run for a meeting and never give time to the ones we love? Why is it that we can take for granted the people who love us and are truly meant to be with us?

Tsk tsk. . . we as a species need to re-think what's important, and to follow our hearts much more than just logic. I'd rather spend an hour with the people I like being with than keep work the top priority everytime! Yeah, work is important, but there is a time and place for it. And it is very rare that work is actually more important than spending some time home. We never know how much time we have in this lifetime to love and learn from the few people we can call family and friends. Feeling sorry for messing around so much for things that won't last, and wondering how the love seeming eternal, has survived through it all, and just got stronger each day.

Changing my view. . . rather, unearthing what I already knew. Bringing the focus to where it should have always been. Me and the ones who I love!

T Sign!

Need time off. . . not like I have been doing too much lately, nor too good. . . but a time for rejeuvenation and coming back to the centre has been long overdue. . .

Taking some time to clear everything around me, within me. . . and just breathing. :)

Going to follow my heart. . . in everything. Everyday.

Looking forward to being reborn, to being someone who believes in the purity of love for all beings. .. and becoming the being i was meant to be!

Now that I know why this happens, it still doesn't make things better. I know why it is the way it and and what to do to change it. . . but. . .

And yes, I am still missing you! Even though I may not know what to say to you if you were here, but missing your presence. . . much more than I should.

Not unhappy. . . just. .. not happy!

It's one of those days. . . yet again. . .

Down and out, least bothered about what people think and what's right.

Just not liking anything. Not able to feel happy, if you know what I mean.

Can't put it into words, but quite simply, I'm a bit tired, angry, bottled up, frustrated, and unable to move forward. And this leads to the simple feeling of being not happy [not unhappy. . . just, not happy! like, I can't be happy!]. And I don't like it. And I don't like the attempt to be strong and appear happy no matter what. And to have nobody know the whole truth of it all. :(

Feeling wordless. Not speechless, not quiet, not silent. Wordless.

And missing you. Yet again.

Well, unhappy right now.

Really wanted it, but perhaps not enough.

Taking it's own time to sink in, and hurting every inch.

Won't say anything else, still not sunk in. Probably won't at all. . .

It's not ok. . . but well. . it's ok anyway.

The more I think about you and start to like you [even if it's about the kind of person you are. . . and not like as in likeeee], the further away you seem to go and colder you appear!

Wondering 'what's up'!

Conversations end up being more candid than they should sometimes. . ;) But I like it!!

Me: Blah! I don't care! I don't care if he doesn't meet me! I don't care if he doesn't have the time or inclination to! I really truly don't care!

Mom: Hmmm. . . Do you actually not care, or are you just saying that you don't?

::pause::

::thinking::

Me: I'm just saying I don't!! I know I'll still care no matter what! ;)

Realizing I've come a long way. . . and still have a long way to go.

Not okay with giving up my personal space every single time. Not okay with being dependant on others, because I know now that I can be the one to change it all. I can be the one who shall do it. And I will.

Losing a few things, gaining a few too. Gearing up to change the world.

And being selfish [and happy about it] enough to think of myself in this whole process.

I love you. . . completely and truly. And I miss you more than anyone else right now.

I met a person who prayed for me. . . and gave me strength and focus. :)