Cold. . . !

It's a damnnn cold night! Or maybe it's just me that's feeling it more. Should probably shift my bed away from the window!

Almost feel like cursing the cold right now, shivering in the cold! I said 'almost' coz I still love winters! Hot lemon tea [black!], curling up in bed at night [well, anytime actually!], long walks in the winter sunshine, lunch in the garden, flowers blooming, holding hands [well, if there's a special someone! ;) ], bunny slippers, oranges, wearing bright colors, fogged up car windows, etc etc!

But right now, I'm still sorta freezing. . . ;) Don't know if it's the weather or something else!

Mixed up. . . now flowing!

Tonight I am feeling a whirlpool of mixed emotions. I feel like a romantic, well, I guess I am one at heart! A part of me feels like it is in a dreamworld, surrounded by beauty and poetry. But a part of me is facing a reality that passes by in each humans life and breaks the heart of every single person who falls into unrequited love. And despite these surreal worlds of mine, I feel like the practical no-nonsense part of me stand up and want to know what's going on in the world. Connecting to people, feeling simple emotions like friendship and giving into life's [read: reality] charm.

There is someone in this world who is going to be the one I love and who would love me for who I am. Sometimes I wonder what he's doing right now. . . partying? studying? sleeping? breaking his heart over another girl? or caught in the indecision of what he feels for me? I don't even know if that 'special someone' is in my life right now, and to be entirely honest, I don't even know if I do completely believe that 'someone' exists! I mean, yeah it's possible that there's someone. . . but it's also possible that there isn't! Feeling like I'm drowning in my thoughts . . . . accepting what I usually would not, believing what I usually would not. And all this in my complete senses! Something inside me feels despair, something inside me feels like just giving up. And I think that 'something' is going to win this battle. Coz that part of me is scared of fighting battles, or perhaps just tired of even trying anymore.

I don't know what this feeling is, and nor am I going to try to analyze it. To take apart this feeling bit by bit and weigh the pros and cons, think of the whys and why nots, seems like sacrilege to the feeling I am feeling now. I think I'll just feel it. . and wait for it to bide its time and die. Yes, die IS the appropriate word. And actually, I don't think it'll be so bad! Life's going to move on, and I'm gonna stay alive, with a zillion things to distract me! Yes yes, I know I'm trying to convince myself more than you! ;) There would be a certain feeling of emptiness, I'm sure. But I'll live through it right? Who said life has to be easy all throughout!

And yeah, something inside me seems to reassure me that everything's going to be all right. That life's going to move on, new things are going to come my way, and I would discover other emotions, and other fears as well. Time is a great healer, if you give it enough time! ;) Sometimes I think I'm too positive as a person! Like, no matter how bad a situation gets, there's always a ray of happiness. And hope. It's good to be positive about life, but perhaps I'm a mite too much sometimes! Life still seems good, and pretty livable! With a lot of things to look forward to! And yes, this is despite that feeling of acceptance [read: sadness] that I'm having right now.

There was this saying I heard once:
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

I think I can manage the first two pretty well, it's the third that I'm having problems with right now! ;)

I seem to have made my decision. Which is to let go. Because holding on won't help. Perhaps I am trying to consciously take a decision which I do not believe in. What I do believe is that it is a time to go with the flow and see where life leads me. Undercurrents pulling me in opposite directions, but eventually, one will triumph!

I feel the power to do exactly what I want with my life, and I know that whatever I dream will come true. And that power seems a bit too much to handle sometimes. Wondering if I should make an extra effort. . . probably not now.

Decisions . . .

Been thinking about the art of decision making. . . . haven't always been the best at it, but have improved greatly during the past year. Interesting thought struck me today, which I knew of before as well, but had more of a. . . uhmm. . . practical experience with it this time. NOT taking a decision is a decision in itself. Even though it is taken sub-consciously and it's not always the best decision, you do decide to not make a decision about anything at that particular moment! And because of this decision, sometimes you wait so long, that it gets too late to take any sort of decision at all, and all you're left with is thoughts which you contemplate about and have no power to change then.
However, if you DO take a decision, there's always a chance that it may be wrong, or may come back to haunt you for the rest of your life. So is going with the flow, and letting life decide what's right, the correct way to tackle situations or should you take a risk by taking a decision that may be wrong and you may regret later on? In fact, it also depends upon what the situation is and why there could be regret in the first place. I don't believe too much in regrets though. Learning from mistakes, sure! But holding on to the past and regretting something to the extent that it affects my present is not something I could do!
Sounds like I'm the kind of a person who goes with the flow right? Well, usually yes! But I also can't stand back and not decide where my life is supposed to go. Drifting through life is painful. It feels like you're asleep and have no idea about what is going on in your life! And controlling everything doesn't work for me either. It's a delicate balance that a person needs to maintain. And no, I'm not saying that I've achieved that state of balance because I have NOT! But I do know that it needs to be there. And I never knew that there is actually a time when it's 'too late' to do something about a situation, but yes, there are times! An appropriate decision needs to be taken, and taken on time! And even if that decision is to not take a decision, it's okay!
Oh, and it's actually OKAY if you do take a wrong decision at times! It's better that not taking any decision and thinking all your life about 'what if's'!

Strong yet vulnerable

My mom always used to say 'nobody can hurt you unless you let them'. And my dad always said 'if you're scared of doing something, then do it while being afraid, but do it!'.
These two statements have made most of who I am today. . and the fact that I don't believe in holding onto regrets.
I think there is a part of me doesn't give anyone the power to hurt me. And though in a way it makes me strong, sometimes I feel vulnerable knowing that one single person can hurt me beyond measure, even if that someone is me! I can get frustrated/bugged/disappointed/irritated with people, but not hurt by them. Just as a person can't choose if a negative things happens in his/her life, but can choose whether they want to keep suffering for it.
There is a part of me that keeps me detached from the world and away from the hurt. . . well, that's what is usually seems like!
It's interesting, knowing that nobody can hurt me. . . but also makes me feel like it's too easy for me to hurt myself. . . coz people do that, a lot, in life!
Somehow I feel strong and in control of my life and situations around me, and yet, something makes me feel like I'm an open book and as vulnerable as a child!
I guess I have a shell around me that protects me but at heart, I'm a total softy! ;)

Being a bitch! ;)

One of my friends sent this. . . and I love it! :)

When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch.

When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch.

Being a bitch
means I won't compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life
MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me..

When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a
bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when
I act a little selfish.


It means I have the courage and strength to allow
myself to be who I truly am and won't become
anyone else's idea of what they think I
'should' be.

I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined. I want what I want
and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame, try to squash
every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.
I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.

Possible! Let's do it!

Conflicting emotions. . . however, the positive side seems to be more 'out there' right now! Going to do whatever it takes to achieve those matches and realizations this year and give some to next year as well! Somehow, it never seemed as important as it is seeming to me right now. Everything I do seems to make me want to achieve those targets. And not just numbers, experiences! And good ones! Almost everything seems to have taken a backseat! Rather, because I'm focusing on this much more, I seem to be able to do other things better as well! Like knowing that I have exams in December, and at least trying to get up early! 325% Growth isn't a joke. . . It's serious stuff and we're going to do it! Internationally, they say 100%, but we're going to do 325 % in Q4 and achieve the targets that we set out at AGM. And yet, I can't forget that I'm still a college student and that I need to give exams in December, listen to my mom-dad, eat better stuff. . . and other stuff you would expect from a 19 year old. And I know I can do it! Just that I haven't before, but I know I can do it very easily! :)
Everything seems possible, even the tough stuff! :) In fact, especially the tough stuff! :)

The 'other'!

Okay. . . so today is the day! 

Today is the day that I'm going to remove that 'other' from my life [if you don't know what I'm talking about, read the book 'By the river Piedra, I sat down and wept'].

Anything that's ever caused me to have negative or sad thoughts is gonna go away. And everything's gonna be possible! 

Everything that I want to be, IS possible! And will be so! So now that 'darker side' is gonna be gone. Sometimes I wonder what's going to be left after that. . I think that is going to be who I truly am! I wonder why we even let that 'other' into our lives anyway!

Also, about love. . . Well, it's okay to not be in love. . . and okay to not even reallyyyy like someone in that special way. Coz that's the way I'm planning to be from now on! Simplifying everything. Trying to anyway! One step at a time is gonna make much more sense!

Also, if I'm thinking of 100% growth, it should happen with a set process. ..  of self and learning as well! :) Growing 100%. . . everything! 

Making space in my life to make sure that I'm there as well! :)

Chandigarh Freeze!

Whao! Like, seriously!

Imagine being in the centre of a shopping plaza, and just freezing in place! 70-ish people I think. And we just FROZE! A paper bag in everyone's hand, saying paper bags are COOL! and frozen for a couple of minutes! It was sooo cool!  :D

So yeah, there I was walking with someone, unsure of the exact moment to freeze, and suddenly see these people freezing into place. And in mid-step, I froze! Suchhh an obvious pose! ;)

People loved it though! We gave out almost all the bags, though they were damm nice! And the media nl were there. . . and everyone so totally loved it! We definitely wanna do it again. It was so much fun! :)

Happy to achieve!

Hehe hehe. . . . feeling just sooo happy-ish! :) Life seems good, everything seems possible! Not easy, but definitely possible! And I love it! Knocked out of the reverie that I seemed to have got stuck in. Now it's time to just go out there and do it! :) Targets will be achieved, the organization will grow, 100%!
Feeling very positive about life in general as well. But especially about AIESEC. Knowing that it has the kind of value it does in my life doesn't leave any doubt about the future! Whether it's another leadership position, or exchange, or even as an alumnus, I know that it's something that will stay with me forever! It feels like it's in my blood now! :)
Have the faith that AIESEC is over and above anything that's happened in my life and also have the faith that even though I've given more to it than anything else in life, it's gonna give me back more than anything else ever has!
In fact, until I think about it, I don't even notice the kind of security I feel while being in the organization. With the freedom to be who I want, knowing that people are guiding me along, having friends, learning, working and having fun, knowing it's leading you to an amazing future. . . everything! :) So yeah, feeling pretty happy with everything!
Visualizing December 31. . . talk about mixed feelings! Having given a year of my life and achieved a lot. . . and still, the end of my EB term! But hey, that's not what I'm going to think about just yet! There are still 1 and half months left! A person can live their life in that much time! :)
Right now, loving each moment, and wanting to push away all mindsets and go crazy to achieve what I have to! :)