HIV/AIDS

A lot going on!
Had a workshop on HIV/AIDS by SCB yesterday. Pretty awesome actually!
Interesting perspectives. It was amazing to see the way people open up and ask things that they would usually be too conscious to even think about!
For example, I've always wondered how sharing of injection needles would cause HIV to spread. I mean, the virus dies if left in the air for more than 10 seconds right? But yesterday explained all that and much more. It was a time when we all felt comfortable about talking about it. And realized that there is a lot more that we should know! The best was that not for a single moment was it a session that was boring or lecture-ish! I mean, to establish a connect to the people you're talking to and to make them comfortable and yet serious enough to want to attend that workshop is something that I really dream of doing someday! I mean, it's a part of the process of always wanting and working towards being better! :)
It was amazing how people actually started thinking about HIV and really wanted to make a difference.
Motivating? Yes! It was a session not only for knowledge, but also to build the fire inside that wants to go ahead and make a difference! It was a session where you would know that there are certain things that you should do. .
And yes, I am planning to go for an HIV test soon! I want to know what it's like. .. sitting there and waiting! Wondering. . . and to think of all the people living with HIV.

Being me again. .

Sooo. . . Here I am, sitting by the window at 1:30 a.m. and looking into the dark. Music wafting up from my brother's room downstairs. . . I like it. Coming to terms with a few things in my life. And changing some others. Tweaking some parts and pruning others. Through with wondering 'why' for now, it's time to just go ahead and do what I have to! Time to do what I'm here for. The fire was in danger coz it started to rain. . . but a spark is left and it's starting to burn once more. All the unnecessary material washed away by the rain and now it's going to be a pure, clean fire within me. I'm feeling so many things right now! I know I'm not perfect [well, who is?!] but I know I'm becoming better. . . and better of myself with each passing day! I guess there is something about life after all that people love. . . and choose to live it! :)
Everything seems to be so calm. . . and yet, dynamic and hurried! Something seems to have been washed away. . . something that shouldn't have been there anyway!
So here I am, being me. Listening to music coming from downstairs. Feeling the chill in the midnight air. Looking at the empty roads and thinking about the days to come, the things to do!

Thinking about relationships. . .

It's almost 2 a.m. now.
Today was Karwa Chauth. . . Needless to say I kept the fast. And needless to say that mom wasn't cool with it! So yeah, 24 hours of no food or water [didn't eat Sargi in the morning] for the long life of a man that I have probably not even met yet!
There is a part of me that is whimsical, dreamy and starry-eyed. It's this part that makes up my essence but it also makes life unsafe at times because reality seems to escape away sometimes! Anyway, today was yet another day of trying to think of the more normal things that I should be focusing on rather than just being spaced out. I think I'll go to the lake tomorrow morning. Need to get time off alone! In fact, it's time alone with yourself when you learn the most about who you are and what you want from life! It's something I have been thinking of but haven't given to myself. So tomorrow, at least 1 hour is dedicated to me! :) After all, I am the only one in my life who will undoubtedly stick along with me all my life!
People have asked me so many times who I've kept the fast for. . . Well, I think it wasn't for anyone actually! No guy in my life is special enough at this point of time that I would pray for his life and fast for him. I don't think I'm that deeply in love with anyone actually. Anyway, that brings me to another thing that I've been thinking about today! Is distance more important in relationships or closeness? If you can't give another human enough space to live their life the way they want, you're trying to suffocate them. And yet, if you are too far off, you're leaving them alone to fend for themselves!
I think that a balance needs to be maintained, but especially the distance! If the distance decreases, it would bring the two closer anyway! And it would give enough space to that person t breathe at least! I also believe that it's necessary to keep a certain amount of distance from people. Especially people you like in that way and even then, specially when they like someone else! Not just because you may feel like you're coming on too strong to them, but also because you have no right to throw another person's life into turmoil with your love. Because practically speaking, that happens! Oh and disclaimer: everything that I say here doesn't have to apply to me! Most of these are just thoughts and perceptions.
Relationships are complicated, or is it just that we make them so?
We feel guilt for so many things. . . personal and professional. . and of things that are a mix of both. Each day, each hour, each minute, each second is an opportunity. And each time you waste it, you regret it. And in all these years of life, sooo many opportunities come and sometimes, you take a decision that you're not sure of. No, it isn't wrong, just unsure. And eventually you may feel guilty. Not because of whatever happened, but because it may have affected the other person's life in a profound way. In fact, I saw this movie once where this guy left 2 girls mid-way in a relationship. And only because he was at a particular point in his life. What he did could be forgiven, but the manner couldn't. And it affected their whole lives! I think we do it too. everything that we say, or don't say; do or don't do, affects someone else. And no I don't mean that this happens every time in life! It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be spontaneous. Au contraire. . . spontaneity is an essential spice in life! Sometimes, acting before thinking is required as well. Sometimes, things happen directly from the heart. And the more you think before it.. . during it. . . after it; the more turmoil shall invade your mind!
I know, I may sound a bit random, but I'm not! Or maybe I am. .. but I like it!
Listening to soft hindi songs. . seem to have an old-worldly charm to them. But it's just making me feel senti!
Anyway, lost the thought flow after a certain group chat now. . so time to sleep. . and think some more.

Back to the basics!

Well well well. . . a lot has been happening and I haven't been writing!
Feeling a bit unsure and insecure of myself right now. There have been situations that make me feel this way and reactions which prove it. Overcoming it seems to be the biggest obstacle right now. I'm going back to the basics of life these days because somehow, I feel that I started off on the wrong foot. I need to start from A B C if I want to learn to write properly. I need to go back to what love should feel like, what responsibility and work should feel like, what thinking should be like and what behavior should be like. How life should be led in the least complicated way. Because, I now realize, after 19+ years of my life that somehow I started off wrong and have been searching for the wrong things and people all my life! Complicating everything and thinking repetitive thoughts that won't lead anywhere! Now how do I unlearn everything I learnt in 19 years? Umm .. . still working on that actually! But I know one thing: if you go down to the basics, the real, good ol' basics, there's gonna be no problem at all and in fact, you would achieve more than if you would keep trying to innovate on an idea whose base you don't have!
So yeah, I've decided on what I want as my relationship basics: Love from both sides and honesty. Seems like a tall order? Well, it hasn't got the longggg list of things most people desire! And yet, even though it's a simple, straightforward way to go about things, people and situations complicate it! Just when you think that nothing's going to happen, it does! Just when you feel like it's the end, it's actually time for a new beginning!
I'm scared sometimes. Apprehensive, to be politically correct. But not of others. Not of situations. Not of any external factors. Just of myself. Because I'm the one who's going to influence and impact my life all life long! And unless I get the way of living right, there's gonna be a lot of unwanted thoughts in my mind on the day I die!
It's weird sometimes, how I feel afraid of myself. I suppose it's because I've given myself all the power over myself. People [wise ones, if I may add!] say that you shouldn't give others the power to hurt you. Shouldn't give others the power to run your life. Practically possible? Yes! Coz that's the way I live. I choose when to get hurt and when to be affected. And I don't think I always make the best of choices. Yes, I do get motivated and demotivated by lots of things, but at the end of it all, I know that I feel the way I do because of my own choices! Choices. . . they say that it's your choices that make you unique. . . and that you always have a choice. But shouldn't there be a way to by which we can choose a choice? It isn't all that simple to just weigh the pros and cons. Nor is it that simple to just follow your heart [okay, sometimes it is! But only in matters of the heart.]. I'm at a crossroad in my life where I am choosing to walk backward and take a U-turn rather than go forward. Because I can see very clearly that until I know what I've been doing not-in-the-best-possible-manner, and why it's been that way, there isn't any point to go forward right? And somehow, I feel that as I walk backwards, I'm moving forward as well and reaching a different plane of consciousness. There are situations where I'm extremely unsure of what to do. Especially in my personal life. . . especially when it comes to love. Love - a feeling that leaves everyone flummoxed at some point of time or the other. And it's in this unsure tornado that I decide to go forward into yet another storm to find my center of peace. Sometimes, actions before thoughts aren't so bad. Sometimes, going with the flow and just being spontaneous and in the moment is what is best! Sometimes, accepting the other person exactly the way they are is what matters! And no, I don't just mean this in the matter of love. Accepting people needs to happen in every sphere of life. Family, friends, colleagues, team, leaders, mentors everyone! However, don't take this to mean that you bow down and take whatever anyone says to you, no matter what!
I feel like I'm at a point where I'm not questioning anyone about anything! I'm questioning myself and being questioned by others. Perhaps they don't realize it, but it's happening. It's a time to search in the past. It's a time to see which step went wrong that put me on the right path with the wrong way.
Thinking about love. Thinking about change. Thinking about the way forward. Thinking about December. And about the next year. Imagine determination: strong, iron-willed determination. Now coat that with a bit of fear and a bit of I-want-to-know-who-I-am type of feeling. Yeah, so that's the scene as of now! It's 3 a.m. and in 1 hour mom's going to wake up to eat sargi. I guess I will too. Won't be eating anything for the rest of the day. Karwa Chauth. No, not for my boyfriend or whatever. Just. . . want to keep it.
I'm moving away from doing things just for the sake of it. I'm doing things because I want to and because I see a reason to. They're mostly the same things. . . just being lived in a different way.
I also like my little random diary where I can pen random thoughts. . . reallyyy random thoughts!
Right now. . just thinking. You know. . . those type of situations that happen once but you keep thinking about them a zillion times for no apparent reason? Yeah. . . thinking about one such situation. And wishing I could just sleep right now. But I can't! For no reason as such. . . I should write more often! Helps me think and actually make sense to myself more!
Anyway, cheers to life and to being on a track that's gonna put everything in place!