Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with anyone, living or dead. It is about what's happening within. . . and a muddle of memories of the past few years. . .
I don't really know where to start, or what I feel just about now. Re-living the past (something tells me that I'm letting go finally, of fears and attitudes that needn't have carried on till now), sorting most of it out, and thinking about the future too. Completely not living in the moment. But it's only so that I am able to let go of things that will let me live in the present moment.
Missing a few people. A few relationships that have changed, a few dreams that came true. . . but perhaps the magic was there in those times because it was the first time. . . the first time I felt love, the first team, the first conference, the first close friends, the first time I went to school. Perhaps the magic of those moments was because it was the first time. . . and only logic and unreasonability seem to exist right now. Living in complete contrariness. Believing that people are meant to be loved, and made to feel special, yet, not doing it for anyone; not even myself.
I believe that it's time to let go of past relationships; to hold on to the love, but let go of all that stops me from being free. Cutting all cords, while feeling the love too. It's a universal kinda love. :)
Sometimes, wishing I mattered more to some people, then realizing that probably that's what some people think about me too. It's time to just be more real, to at least be all this to myself, before trying to help others.
Today, in the evening, I shall destroy all old documents that don't serve any purpose and lower my energy. I will clear up the files on my laptop so that it doesn't remain random data.
I know everything's completely getting mixed up and merging into everything I'm trying to write about right now. . . but that's ok. :)
Just reviewing a few times and special people. And wondering if I do matter to them still. . . perhaps. . . and perhaps not. Either way, it's gonna be ok.
Mostly thinking about out-of-home experiences, because home always had stable and loving mom-dad, who I still love the most in the world. Fluctuating good and bad things wrt other household members.
Year 2000, new school, not feeling like i fit in. Trying to manage somehow. Messing up integers, not preparing for a geography test, and the history teacher telling me to tie up my hair. A year of adjustment, and completely no clue of who I was, or wanted to be. Where black and golden marks mattered, and the chapters and lessons were (mostly) the things to worry about Learning french, and being completely horrible at it. Went to Rajgarh, and loved it. Sitting on rocks, amaing food, camping out, icy water in the morning, being the first to wake up.
Year 2001: Jeez, I stopped growing tall. :( Remember Long Jump during PT. Divided skirts on some Saturdays. Friends shifting school. Completely lost. Teachers tell mom-dad during the PTAs that I'm too quiet. Trying to figure out who my friends are, making some wrong choices along the way. Talking to myself. Playing Solitaire, and randomly learning during the computer classes. Hiding out during break, not taking tiffin because I didn't want to eat alone. No school trip due to riots in Gujarat. Fabric painting. Learning to march. :P
Year 2002. Class 8. Awesome class teacher. Loving Biology. Only person to pass in a particular History test. 2/10 in a Himdi test on the same day. Jallianwala Bagh presentation. Still continuing with 1 wrong friend. Cooking and clay modelling. Still quiet in class. And absolutely terrified of speaking to any guy. Chemistry. French Classes. Still a lost person, but a bit more aware about what's going on around me. Chocolate cake on Founder's Day. Marching.
Year 2003. Somewhat tough. Studying on the basketball court. Still not taking tiffin. No Hindi, doing French instead. Actually scoring well in French! Proper set of 4-5 friends. With Politics! Some Project to be done in Pkl, and English Worksheets. Smooth sailing, externally. Internally, better than before, with people I knew. My first penfriend, who was from Switzerland. I still have her letters. :)
Year 2004. One of the best years of my life. 2008 being the other one. :) Amazing friend, who I miss terribly. A boyfriend, and the most loving relationship I could have dreamed of. Growing up. Studying (10th Board Exams!). Science, maths tuitions. Beautiful year, discovering myself, and learning to truly love others. A birthday party. Winter. A PTA on Valentine's day, and a series of coincidences. The bus ride back home everyday.
Year 2005. Doing well in 10th exams! :P Going to 11th, unsure about commerce, but doing it anyway. Lots of mistakes. Losing out on the 2 most special relationships I had. JA Company. Production of kathi rolls. Cold winter mornings, binding books. Kneading kilos of dough on Founder's. Board Meetings. My second boyfriend. And it didn't work out. Sometimes carrying tiffin. Feeling grown up, yet immature.
Year 2006: Class 12. Board exam prep. Liquidtion of the company. Rs 36. Integration and matrices. Accounts Project. Fear of the future. Missing my best friend. Single, and coping with the break up. Figuring out orkut, emailing, and msn. Hugeee crush, on a person who turned out not to be worth it. But amazing time while we were friends anyway. Really. Trying to grow up. Unsure of what's going to happen next year. Pre Boards. We don't celebrate festivals anymore. I don't know why.
Year 2007. Good board exams! Application to amity. Delhi in June, hiding under the blanket waiting for the board result. Terrified. Hugeee scene about wanting to go to Delhi, and mom-dad saying no. Crying. Radisson Hotel. SD College, bunking classes, and. . . of course, AIESEC. And NLDS. Sawai Madhopur. Insects, snake pits. Amazing people. @ Baroda. The plenary. The sugarcubes (I still have them!). Crazy week! Then back to college, and TN. And LCong, and the Chair and Alumni. And the LCP. NSC in Bangalore. Travelling! Soup! No recollection of closing plen. But it's awesome being in the OC! Then becoming OCP Akshar. Kinda lost, but getting more info each day and for one crazy moment, deciding to apply for a VP. And of course, the LCP Elections. And the trainee house chillouts. Life revolves around @. And my third try at being in a relationship.
Year 2008: One of my favourite years. Awesomeee LCP. Messing up more than I should, but learning too. Third try didn't work out in the relationship. Break up + trainees is a bad combination. ASK. Movies. GCG Workshop. Some more mistakes. Running through life, not making the best of it, but imbibing that which stayed much longer. GBMs at home, football in the rain. @ Office decor. :) Not going to college - BAD. LCongs, and national conferences. NatCong by us in Parwanoo. JNC in Pondicherry. NSC Lonavla. Random memories, good ones, from them all. Mentorship Group. Falcons. Lots of first times for a lot of things. Jagrata. Archers everyday.
And now, year 2009. Statistically good, according to what has been done. Empower. OC. Feb recs. August OCMs. NatCong in Silvassa. Awards night. Jhula in the balcony. MCP elections. MC selections. On the EB. Architects. ET. And missing The Archers. builing a few friendships, making some mistakes, doing a couple of things right. Dropped a year. :( New college now. Empty within somehow. @ Chandi making history. Red hair. :P Love Story. and a million more things. . . which have led me to this point.
Realizing how simple and innocent life was. And that it does not need to be as complicated as it seems right now. Emphasis: 'seems'. There's still a lot to learn. And a lot of times I should follow my heart. And a lot of people I should just stop holding on to. Rather, trying to hold on to. Something tells me, that as soon as I let go, everything will fall into place, and things would be better with them.
The best thing about this entry is that no1 would be patient enough to read it anyway! :P :P
Anyway, I'm off to study and clear up clutter. :) And sleep. :)
